Miyuki, Thespian Extraordinaire
by Tastychainsaws
Summary: Takara Miyuki is a kind, graceful, and elegant young lady. But throughout her high-school years something sinister and dark was lurking behind those bright, bubbly eyes. Currently being polished and rewritten. CHAPTERS 1-7 UPDATED. READ IT. READ IT NOW!
1. Behind A Mask Of Fluff

**MIYUKI, THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE**

**CHAPTER 1**

**BEHIND A MASK OF FLUFF**

_**Author's notes-**_ ((_Thoughts Are In Italics. _As are stressed words. Each chapter contains the events of the corresponding Lucky Star episode as told by Miyuki, so this chapter is episode 1. This version you're now reading is a more polished, more in depth, and smarter Miyuki. I added further explanations to her family, past friends, and how she met Tsukasa and Konata.))

**FORWARD…**

As a final assignment for the class I spent the three years of my high school life in, Miss Nanako Kuroi assigned us an essay. The prompt was vague and simple, 'Describe your overall high school experience'. While I wrote it as anyone would expect Takara Miyuki to do so, it did prompt some thinking on my part. The entirety of those years was spent with me living a façade of sorts, masking my innermost personality and thoughts with the greatest of guile. It was difficult, stressful, and I thought I couldn't keep doing it, but I somehow managed. Now that this is all over…I decided to write it all down for anyone interested in reading to read. By the time anyone I knew from that school reads this, I will be long gone and out of contact with them.

**ENTER MIYUKI**

**YEAR 1 PART ONE OF 24**

Beep beep beep.

_No, shut up beeping noise._

Beep beep beep

_Go away beeping noise. No one likes you!_

Beep beep beep

_Okay that does it. Feel the full fury of the snooze button! _I mashed my hand down several times on the beeping alarm clock with all the fury my tired body could muster.

"Why!" beep "Won't!" beep "You!" beep "Stop!" beep "BEEPING!" _Oops_. I winced as my fist smashed in the casing of the alarm clock and left a sizable crack across the LED screen. The beeping had stopped, so the damage to the 35,000 yen alarm clock was worth it. Pocket change, really. The time was still visible, it was 10am. I was supposed to be up for school four hours ago. I wondered if I could just not go to school that day. The school year had barely started, and I already had perfect grades in every class, so I could probably miss a day, week, month, and not really fall behind. No, then that girl Tsukasa would text wondering if I was dead or not. I could probably say that I was, and she'd believe me. She once texted me out of worry when I was in the bathroom too long.

No wait, I was still on parole. They could _expel _me if I missed a day of school without a doctor's note. This was a reminder of why I shouldn't try and steal computers from my old junior high on the last day. I had almost gotten away with it.

I walked down stairs after begrudgingly putting on my sailor fuku. I hated that thing because of how tight around the chest was. I think they were designed for boys, but I couldn't be sure. It was hard for me to decide what to have for breakfast.

_Toast…alcohol…toast…alcohol… Nah, I'll go with neither. It's a good idea to wait until my parole blows over next month before I start drinking again. All the money in Daddy's massive bank account can't save me if they catch me hauling away computers drunk again. Can certainly take a number off the sentence though, which makes it a worth risk._

Ryouko High made me mad because I shouldn't have been there in the first place. Sure it was a 'nice' school and you needed half a brain to pass the entrance exams, but I could have skipped onto _college_ after junior high with all the exams I aced. See, mother was deeply afraid I was going to become like Daddy. Daddy had skipped high school as well, became rich, but was something of a sociopath who owned the EPA millions of USD for shooting a panda during his trip in China. See, he knew that friends and social development weren't important, and his company had enough money to compete with major global businesses like Shell and that company that makes Etch 'N Sketches. However, Mother firmly enrolled me to go to poor people that I would gladly emancipate via poisonous gas if given the chance. This is why I wanted to study viral weaponry as my major.

It got worse when she wouldn't let me go to school in Tokyo with my cousin Sakamoto. That school had even more poor people! Apparently it was the only school Sakamoto could get into, and Daddy had worked hard to get her in there. Man, it's really hard to find opportunities for someone who was convicted for murder.

_Oh Sakamoto you rascally rascal you…_

As I boarded the late train, which smelled like homeless people, I began wondering why I didn't have an elephant. I was rich enough to get one from Asia or Kenya. Asia was probably a safer bet because those ones would be used to being around a lot of people, especially if I got one from India. If I recalled right, the going rate for an elephant was like 100k yen at least, and that doesn't include the feeding, permit, and cost to get the thing over here. I'd probably train it to knock all those stupid cars off the road as I rode to school on it. The police wouldn't do anything because it's a damn elephant! What are they going to do? It could eat them! I could probably use it to rob ocean liners too. Well, I knew what was going on my Christmas list this year. Last year I had mother get me a porcupine named Prickly Pete. We don't talk about him.

_Yeah, I could get to school so much faster on an elephant_.

I made it to school after a quick stop to get some churros and coffee since lunch was about to start anyway. I could only wonder if anyone even noticed that I showed up for school a couple hours late again. I know my parole officer wouldn't like that, but I could just say the train derailed on the way to school again. That Narumi would believe anything.

On my way to class I passed an open door to a club room.

_Oh no, not those people again. Man, what are they doing in there?_

Inside I could see several students in a kimonos sitting around a low table and drinking tea from stone cups. I stood there for a minute, covertly watching. Nobody said anything. It was class time too, and these people were doing…something…

_Tea Ceremony Club, who knows what those freaks are up to._

So I managed to wander my way into class without a school bag, or anyone even noticing me being late. There I saw the two girls who had made their way into my 'friend' crowd. My friend crowd in junior high had been another rich girl named Tsumugi, this girl who never talked named Sakaki, and this girl who I thought was literally retarded named Run.

Here we had Tsukasa Hiiragi- The younger of the two Hiiragi sisters who were apparently twins. This little girl confused me because I couldn't tell if she was just a pants-on-head retard, or creepy sexual deviant. Everything she said either made me feel tired, or kind of sickened, or confused because I couldn't decide which. Either she was a master of sexual innuendos, or I had a warped mind. It was probably the former since I was pretty much a genius with an IQ of nearly 180. Tsukasa had short lilac haired with this adorable yellow ribbon in it.

_I wonder how I could get that ribbon without her noticing…I could probably take it off her when we're alone and strangle her with it. I don't need to kill her, just deprive her of enough oxygen to give her brain damage so she can't say it was me who did it. Wait, no, that only works on babies. Damn it, this is going to be harder than I thought._

Next was the growth stunted Otaku, Konata Izumi. If there was anyone who ever needed a brick thrown at her, this was it. Now, Konata was something of a 'sociopath' in my eyes. I had only known her for a short while since school started and she had found it in her liking to routinely harass me about my wealth and breast size. She was flat chested and poor, and therefore deserved less rights than I did, but that didn't mean she had to be rude about it! She also had blue hair down to her ankles and lips shaped the English number 3. Both of which bothered me.

Lunch had just started and I had managed to avoid detection. My teacher, Kuroi, waved at me, but didn't come throwing rocks at me for being late. From my desk, I could hear Konata eating her chocolate cornet. Not see, but _hear._

_Oh no, she's doing that thing when she bites into one end and the chocolate spills out the other, so she licks up the chocolate. This goes on for like ten minutes until the chocolate stains everything. I hate it when she does this because she slurps so damn loud!_

I walked over and went to amend this situation.

"Um, you know…" I began in the most innocent voice I could muster, she glared at me with what could have only been menace in her eyes.

_No hello Miyuki or anything like that. Ungrateful prick. You should be jumping with joy to see me._

"…There's another way to eat it. Tear off the thin end and dip it into the chocolate cream on the fat end."

_You know, in a way that doesn't make everyone around you grit their teeth in annoyance._

She bit down on the coronet and made a disgusting noise like she was trying to say something. Tsukasa giggled in the background.

"Good idea!" She praised.

_Damn right it's a good idea, took me three years to figure that out. In fact I should charge you each 50,000 yen for that, but I'm a nice person. Man, the things I do for people around here._

Not even a minute later I learned she also drank liquids like a child. Soon she was jugging away at a bottle of milk as loudly as she could. "It figures you'd know that…" She began while smiling at me.

_What do you mean it figures! It that's a remark about my weight then I swear to god I'll hit you with a brick. Sakamoto got away with murder, I can to. No, wait, she had motive to do it since she claimed that tourist was trying to rape her… Also what the hell is wrong with your lips? It's like they form an upside down three. I guess generations of inbreeding pay off. I'm in a pissy mood today…_

"…You're so smart Miyuki-san."

_Good to know you figured it out. Also don't call me "san". You haven't earned the right yet._

"Well not really." I said modestly, _Yes really actually. _"Everyone has their own way of eating one."

_Just yours is incorrect._

"How about cream puffs? How do you eat them?" Konata asked.

_How do I what? I knew I was getting set up for something, now's she's going to drag me into some endless conversation about nothing. And I know this is going to end in some bad Haruhi joke. Konata LOVED The Melon-derpy of Haruhi Suzumiya and hailed it as the most ingenious piece of audio visual ever. _

"How do I eat a creampuff?" I repeated and held up a creampuff that miraculously appeared in my hands. _Okay, I wasn't holding this before…that's not creepy or anything. Today has just been weird with a size order of strange. This probably has to deal with those Tea Ceremony kids. Freaking cultists._

"…That's easy, I split it in half horizontally then I take the top half and dip it into the cream in the bottom part. Then when most of the cream is gone, I start eating the bottom. I find that if I eat it that way it stops the cream from spurting out and I can have equal amounts of cream and pastry in each bite."

"Huh…" Konata said in amazement. _That's right, bask in the glory that is my cream puff eating._

"What do you do about the ones that have both custard and cream?" Tsukasa asked. "Do you have a system to eat those? Do you mix the flavors together?"

_And of course neither of you could let this subject go. "Hey let's all interrogate Miyuki about her food eating habits, then maybe her greatness will rub off on us!" Sorry, it doesn't work that way. See, I use this thing called common sense and a heavy regiment of over the counter drugs. Neither of which you two have readily available. _

"No, I don't have a system for those per say." Then I realized a fault in Tsukasa's question. Which by no means is a difficult task for anything this girl says. "Wait…how exactly does one mix the flavors?"

"Uh…Just asking." She replied happily. _Trying to test me eh? I saw through your little ploy. Not only do they interrogate me about trivial things, but test me? Is it any wonder that neither of these girls are friends with anyone else in this class? I wouldn't call them my friends because they just came up to me and started talking on the first day of school. I think Konata wants to have sex with me._

"When do you eat the strawberry on a strawberry shortcake, or a chestnut on top of a montblonc?" Konata asked again. _They're not going to let me leave are they? I'm not going to be able to just go sit down and finish my book am I? I just bought the Da Vinci Code. Let me read it!_

"Let's see now…" I began and held up a slice of strawberry shortcake _I know for a fact I wasn't holding this before…Well that's just great, someone in the class is a goddamned necromancer. It's those Tea Ceremony kids! I knew they were up to something!_

"…It depends on the amount of strawberries that are sandwiched between the layers of sponge cake. With the strawberries, the whipped cream, and the sponge cake; I pace it so I can get a bit in each and every bite. So getting to the strawberry on the top of the cake is always different for me."

_Which is more action than either of you will ever get in your entire sex lives. That's right, me eating a strawberry shortcake. It's like a strawberry adventure with whipped cream surprise! HOORAH! I thought that in the voice of an angry African American man, so you should too._

"Hmm…" Konata hummed, "That's a solid move." _Once again, of course it is. I'm like food eating method Jesus or something. Except I don't want to get crucified for my radical ideas by Romans. Those Tea Ceremony kids aren't Roman, are they? They LOOKED Japanese, but you can't tell with their kind._

"When I eat it, I always save the strawberry on top for last." Tsukasa added,"Sometimes I get so full I can't eat it…"

_Off of one slice of cake? What do you only weigh 70 pounds or something? I once ate an entire rack of dog ribs once by myself since my neighbor and best friend, Minami, refused to have any. What a baby._

"And other times someone in my family comes and takes it away." _Like Kagami, because she's fat and eats everyone's food. That's why we confine her to the OTHER classroom with Misao. That's where she belongs. They're both like dogs when it comes to food._

"That's why you should always eat your favorite part first." Konata interrupted. _Or follow my genius method._

"Come to think of it, I've never seen anyone take Kagami's strawberry away from her." Tsukasa thought out loud.

_I did once, she bit my fucking hand and gave me tetanus. Not. Very. Cool. Or was that Sakamoto's pet raccoon, Ringo? I can't remember._

"That's Kagami for you, she's sharp." Konata agreed.

_Yeah she is, you should have seen the gash her bite left. God forbid Misao ever bites you. Which, judging by her intelligence, isn't that unlikely. It had to have been Kagami that bit me, because Ringo's a raccoon and raccoons have tiny teeth. When did I eat lunch with Kagami?_

"Here's one!" Tsukasa exclaimed _Way to go Konata. You just HAD to include her. _"Can you eat the very last bite of an ice pop without dropping it?"

_Umm yessss. You know what, you just lost another 5 Miyuki Favor Points. That puts you down at 5. Konata is at 12, Kagami is at 13, and I'm at 13,527. In fact I just gained another 120 Miyuki Favor Points, go me! It took me awhile to get a fair system down for the MFP system, but I think it's all worked out. Mother has about 400 points after she lost all of them for enrolling me here. Minami has about 1,200 and is slowly climbing after she let me ride Cherry around her backyard interrupted for about four hours. I love that dog._

"Wait you drop it?" I asked kindly trying not to laugh at her. It was a good thing I took that acting class last year. I made a good Romeo though, even if I wasn't actually supposed to kiss Juliet in the play. To make it more real, I tried to put poison on my lips, but ended up swallowing it all. It didn't make me sick though, just hallucinate.

"I you don't eat it the right way…" Tsukasa answered and held up an ice pop with only tiny bit left in the middle. She took a bite of half it and the other half slid off."…It falls off doesn't it?"

_Wait, where did you even get that? Are you part of the Tea Ceremony Club? And how did you even drop that too? Only you Tsukasa…only you…_

"Yes." I pretended to agree.

"How do you it Kona-chan?" She proceeded to ask the blunette. _That word is copyrighted to me, Miyuki._

"I suck it off the stick." Konata replied matter-of-factly.

_Huh, I bet you do. I need to get my mind out of the gutter._

"Oh!" Tsukasa said in amazement. I doubted that her answer was giving us both the same mental pictures.

"Or maybe you could turn it around while you eat it, like this." I suggested and twirled my fingers like a spit roast.

_But then Konata couldn't live out her desperate fantasies with Frosty the Snowman. Speaking of which, just how the fuck is that a kid's movie? The snowman comes to life through Tea Ceremony witchcraft from magical hat, which I'll remind everyone was STOLEN. Then he kidnaps this little girl and takes her to the NORTH POLE where she nearly freezes to death. Frosty melts, comes back to life, and demands more birthdays. What a movie, Romeo Muller, what a movie._

"That's a good idea!" Tsukasa said again. _Once again, of course it is._

"And then there's soft serve ice cream which I'm not very fond of." I added, this was my first real chance to rant about something in a long while.

"What's wrong with it?" Tsukasa asked, she was perplexed by the fact that some things actually bothered me. _Most notably you two!_

"I hate how you're always left with an empty cone at the end of it." I answered. _At least I can just give the empty cones to my neighbors dog. It screws up her diet but I don't think Minami notices. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck._

"You're right. There's never any ice cream left, just an empty cone." Tsukasa agreed and held up an empty cone. I also seemed to be holding one.

_The Tea Ceremony cultists are going to receive a little visit from the 'vandalism fairy' when I learn their addresses. My bricks have been itching to be thrown through a window for weeks now._

"I try to push the ice cream further and further down as I eat it." Konata added and started making an obscene gesture with an ice cream cone of her own.

_Really Konata, really?_

"But how in the world do you do that?" I asked with my palm against my chin.

"While I eat I do a push and shove thing." She told me and motioned her hand like she was doing some questionable act to an invisible person.

_If you weren't a lonely basement dweller, I'd be sure that you were the schools biggest whore. I mean, it's one thing to do a hand motion like that, but to say 'push and shove motion'? _

"A push and shove thing?" I speculated. _And Tsukasa is friends with you why?_

"You try to balance everything out, don't you?" Tsukasa asked cheerfully.

"I suppose." I shrugged._ That was arguable, but I believed it was more of trying to be the absolute best at everything I needed to be. I was still worried if I could get into a good university with a school like this on my resume. _

"Here's another one, how do you eat curried rice? Do you mix the curry with the rice?" Konata asked. _Now's is the point where I tell them that I'm bleeding profusely from my lady-bits and need to be excused, because this just getting stupid._

"No, but I do try to have equal amounts of curry and rice left over for my last bite." I explained.

_Seriously, curry and rice Konata. CURRY AND RICE? Next she'll be asking me which shoe I put on first. _

"I like mixing it up, how do you like to eat it?" Tsukasa asked Konata.

"It all depends on the curry, if I pour some sauce on it or drop a raw egg on top, then I mix it up."

_Christ, I HATE it when people do that. At our last family outing, Sakamoto dumped her sister Satsuki's plate over for doing that. Satsuki was cool, but she thought she was a Viking sometimes and was really weird. She was only a year younger than us. But in all seriousness, raw egg on rice is about as disgusting as it gets._

"You put sauce on curry?" Tsukasa asked like Konata had just admitted to statutory rape. _Wait a second…You question the sauce but not the raw egg? Am I the only sane person around here?_

"Yeah it's tasty." Konata replied.

_Yeah sauce is just fine, but eggs? And just what kind of sauce are we talking about? Oh…god…Okay I'll just ask if she puts the "sauce" on the "fried eggs" , she's an otaku, she has to know that that means. I go on 2chan, I know the innuendos._

"Do you put sauce on fried eggs too?" I asked barely managing to keep a straight face.

"Nope. I put soy sauce on fried eggs." She answered.

_So now I know for a fact that she is indeed the schools biggest whore. Figures that one of the three girls who talks to me is a massive whore, and the other an idiot. This further escalated my theory that God personally hated me. I mean, I DO support Varg Vickernes and his endeavors, but does God have to be such a douche weasel about it? I hate most of the stuff in his agenda, but I don't interfere with his life._

"Oh…" Tsukasa said, obviously not understanding Konata's horrible confession. "When I do that I use mayonnaise."

_Tsukasa do you have any idea what the hell you just said? Wait, I was wrong you do know what we were talking about. You know what, I'm telling Kagami about this. Kagami will tell her dad and we'll just see how well she works as a Miko after that! These two…the Tea Ceremony cultists… I've barely been here a month and feel like I'm surrounded by freaks._

"Mayonnaise on fried eggs, but not hard boiled eggs?" I asked, it was time to see just what kind of stuff Tsukasa was into.

"Mhm." Tsukasa admitted"You know mayonnaise is good with pretty much every egg dish."

_Does she have to pay people to do that or just find junkies so whacked out on heroin they don't know what they're doing? This stuff makes me wonder how fetishists are able to get their fixes from videos. Like 2girls 1cup for example, perfect example. How long did it take the director to find a cast of girls willing to do that? Did he have to bribe them drugs and candy? Come to think of it, I'd totally do that for drugs and candy._

"You put it on curry too?" Konata asked. _At least she knows what's going on. Man Tsukasa probably has no idea that we caught on. She probably goes around telling people this and it goes right over their heads. Not me imouto, not me._

"Mhm, I put mayo on white rice…"

_Wait that doesn't mean anything…Hold on is she talking about food again…Who the fuck puts mayo on white rice? Forgive my English use of vulgarities but that's almost as bad as the thing with the raw egg. I hope Sakamoto and her don't ever meet, because Sakamoto would probably kill her over that…Huh, making a joke about someone who has actually killed someone before feels kind of spooky._

"…on beef balls…"

_And your family just lets you smother everything with mayonnaise, enjoy having clogged arteries at age twenty. When Kagami stops monitoring her diet, she is going to get so fat._

"…it goes good with that sweet broth. Oh, and on parent bowls too!"

_No it doesn't go good with any of those! Why not just eat it straight of the jar?_

"…You know how the chickens the parent and the eggs the child?" She kept going.

_This is why we don't include her Konata. You see? YOU SEE? _

"…and how mayonnaise is made from eggs too? I just put but a little blob of it on top and I call that the relative bowl!"

_So this is what Tsukasa does on her free time? And Kagami is related to her? Kagami talks about normal teenage crap, like how much of a fat monstrosity she is. Tsukasa on the other hand babbling on about having a threesome in the snow with a koala bear and smothering mayonnaise on whatever her little fingers can find. _

"…and I used to really hate nato beans."

_Don't diss the beans fool! _

"…but if I put some mayonnaise on them I can eat them.

"_How DARE you pervert my beans!"_

"Ugh, I can't image that." Konata bleched. _At least you're still slightly sane. Or at least not retarded._

"But the tastiest thing has to be when you put some mayonnaise right on top of some soft boiled eggs!" Tsukasa finally finished.

_Do you get naked and slather yourself in that stuff? You do, don't you? Then you put pictures of it on 2chan's /b/ and let all the forty year-old neck beards get off to it. Because if you don't, you should, because there's a market for it. Heck, I'd pay to see that._

"Even the fried eggs are half cooked at my house." Konata said out of nowhere. _Wooptydoo? What do you want, a medal? Enjoy your salmonella. _

"Really?" Tsukasa asked like it was her mayonnaise fetish was perfectly fine.

"Yep that's just how my dad likes his eggs." Konata answered, _Gross. _"I guess it's because he always liked to suck on the yolk. So if you fry the egg to much then the yolk gets to hard, then my dad can't suck the yolk out."

_I doubt he does much yolk-sucking these days, if you catch my drift. Oh that's right, Konata's mom is like, dead. Huh, I wonder if she blew her brains out with something like .45. If she did, I could bribe my parole officer with cake and lies and then maybe she'd let me see the photos. Police keep records of this stuff because it would have started an investigation when they found her corpse. Enough murders are staged as suicide so they have to. _

"So, how do you eat chicken skewers?" Tsukasa asked, bringing us further down this downward spiral of a conversation. I really wasn't paying attention.

"What do you mean how?" Konata replied. _Once again Tsukasa asked another vague question._

"Do you eat it right off the skewer? Or do you pull it off with chopsticks?" Tsukasa explained.

_Why the hell does it matter, I hardly ever eat those anyways! Why does any of this matter? When I enrolled here, they asked for my religion. I couldn't put 'nihilist' so I checked in Scientology. I think that made Mother cry._

"Let me see…" I began to reply pleasantly. My sanity was draining and I was doing my best not to show it. "…When I'm alone I'll eat it off the skewer, but when I'm eating in public or with company, I'll use chopsticks to pull it off."

_Just like everyone else who has a shred of decency. Not like you Tsukasa, you dirty koala fucker. Those are two words I should never have to use in the same sentense. Kind of like 'tea' and 'cultist'._

"Yeah and don't you feel weird when there's only one piece left on the plate?" Tsukasa added in.

"Yes the last bite certainly makes things awkward at the table." I lied to make her feel better. It was all part of the act…all part of the act.

_I should have stayed home. Getting expelled would have been more preferable to this. I could probably just pay my way into those university exams and pass. Viral weaponry is a fledgling field, they need all the scientists they can get. Only problem is my outstanding juvenile criminal record. I think that goes away when I turn 18 though._

"And then it gets later and later and no one eats it." Konata grimly relayed to us. "It gets all dry and stale and it's not looking so tasty and no one really wants to eat it, but they don't want to say anything. Then the waiter comes over to take the plate and then you're like 'whoa we're still eating that!' In the end we all go home without eating that last bite…"

"Oh, that's such a waste." I said quietly.

_Seriously Konata there's starving kids in Indiana or something. Doesn't matter though, because poor people aren't actually people._

"I feel sorry for it…" Tsukasa gloomed.

_Too bad it's not a living creature anymore. Idiot. Tsukasa is probably the one who feels bad when she sees wrapping paper torn up._

"Oh! With Korean barbeque, I feel sorry for the meat that's left on the grill that turns to charcoal." Tsukasa blurted out randomly.

_Once again, it doesn't have feelings. Your sympathy is wasted. If anything you should feel bad for the food you choke to death with mayonnaise. I'd be pretty unhappy if you dunked my beautiful pink hair into a vat of mayonnaise. In fact, I would promptly drown you if you did that. Nobody would suspect me because you're stupid enough to drown in some like that._

"Well at a Korean barbeque you're always eating and chatting at the same time. So you get a little distracted." I explained, maybe that would make Tsukasa shut her little mouth for two seconds. _If she goes on another spiel about her disgusting eating habit I'm going to crack her head open with a brick. Bricks are the only friends I need._

"And when you're grilling beef tongue with green onions that cooks really fast!" Konata said happily. _Another random bit of stupid trivia? Is this all you two do? Just say random things then agree with each other?_

"Oh you're so right! It's already done cooking by the time you flip it over, isn't it?" Tsukasa cheerfully agreed. _Yep, I was right._

"Wait you flip it over?" Konata asked skeptically. _Is this another innuendo? If so I don't get this one; and I get everything._

"Huh?" Tsukasa said in surprise that Konata called out her horrible food habits. _Although I don't get Konata's issue with this…_

"You flip it over?" Konata asked grimly again. Tsukasa nodded happily. "You should never flip beef tongue with green onions."

_Then the other side doesn't cook. Enjoy your salmonella. I get the feeling that Konata has spent more time vomiting from food poisoning than the combined history of universal vomiting from everyone in this room combined._

"Why shouldn't I flip it?" Tsukasa asked curiously_. Because that would make sense, and in the world of the Otaku nothing is allowed to make sense. Or have conflict or plot._

"Because if you flip it over all the green onions will fall into the grill!" The little thing explained.

_Yeah, too bad those are a condiment you put on afterwards. _

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Tsukasa realized glumly. _She isn't right, god you're such a tool Tsukasa!_

"You don't need to flip it over at all!" Konata said trying to justify her pathetic stance, "You roast it on one side and the heat cooks it all the way through."

_Except one side is nearly burnt and the other is half cooked. Yeah, sounds pretty damn yummy to me. _

"I get it, I guess I'll do that from now on." Tsukasa said giving in. _Jeeze you can be convinced to do anything can't you? "Hey Tsukasa, climb up and tie those electrified telephone wires around your neck. They'll make you taller!"_

"Absolutely, positively never flip it." Konata repeated.

_You're flunking like every subject so I'd sooner take advice from Cherry talking to me on an acid trip than you. Which that did actually happen once, except it wasn't an acid trip. It was after that time I cannon balled into my upstairs bathtub and fell through the floor. They gave me some painkillers and I took way more than I should; then I had this creepy dream where Cherry was telling me to kill and eat my family. I declined though, but it seemed like something Sakamoto would do._

"Never flip it…" I said like what she said was smart.

"Ever."

"Huh…" Tsukasa breathed out.

"Oh!" Konata said after a moment of silence. "Which end of a Chocolate Coronet is the head? The fat end or the skinny end?" For some reason Tsukasa jumped like she had been subjected to a surprise cavity search.

I don't remember all the details after that but that was the gist of 90% of the conversations I was dragged into. In a way it was fun being all nice and elegant but it took a toll on my sanity after awhile. However, they would never leave me alone! I remember another case where I was just looking at my standing in the class. I believe I was at number three, behind two basement dwellers who spent their lives studying. I would have been number one if I hadn't returned a pile of ashes to Kuroi for my test. Protest through fire. The test was stupid, so I refused to do it and made a statement. She didn't understand.

"You're amazing, you're always at the top of the class." Konata complimented. She was making fun of me.

"Huh?" I murmured then turned to meet the blue haired parasite of my class.

"Don't you have any faults Miyuki-san?" She asked.

_No, no I don't. Once again don't call me Miyuki-san, you still need another 8 Miyuki Favor Points to address me by my name. Until then I am to be called Miyuki, Grand Dragon Master of the Five Seasonal Winds._

"It's a little embarrassing, but I tend to think about things a little too much." I said modestly and eye-smiled for an added cute look. _Because thinking is all I really have at this point. _"So much that I end up spacing out." _Occasionally, not as bad as Tsukasa though. _

"I sometimes cut my finger using the veggie-slicer." I added.

_Which hurts. And bleeds. A lot._

"…Sometimes I'll trip on my feet and fall down…"

_That's because these school uniform shoes hardly count as shoes. More like encumbering foot weights. And I thought the point of corsets was to make my boobs look bigger, not compress them!_

"…Or a corner of my tote bag will get caught in the train's door."

_Because that conductor does that to me on purpose. I'm going to find where he lives and break all his windows one day…one day…_

"Wow!" Tsukasa said sympathetically.

_Maybe that you know I'm not superhuman you'll leave me alone._

"Whoa hold it!" Konata said sternly and held up her index finger. "Miyuki-san, those aren't faults. People call those moe points!"

"Moe points?" I said trying to get the word right. That was the first time I had heard that dreaded word.

_I don't want to know what this means. I really don't want to know what this means because I know I'm not going to like it._

"Clumsy is sexy." She added.

_Great, you're an idiot who wont leave me alone and you're also horny for me. Why exactly did my Mother force me into this school? If Konata gives me some STD, I'll make sure Mother gets it too. Wait, that came out wrong._

"Kona-chan, what have you been thinking this whole time!" Tsukasa gasped.

_She's been fantasizing about a four way beaver bump between us and Kagami. Once again. Not. Very. Cool._

"How come you wear glasses?" Konata asked out of nowhere. "I mean you're really pretty but you can only feel to a tiny section of the fan base."

_Because I have poor vision. Sorry, but I refuse to believe you're THAT stupid._

"Feel to…" Tsukasa giggled.

_Shut up you. _

"…Besides the whole popularity thing, don't glasses actually make your vision worse?"

_What popularity thing? There is no popularity thing going on! And yes I know it makes my vision worse but I like my glasses, you don't see me criticizing your stupid bow! Hey Tsukasa besides the whole popularity thing, don't bows give you AIDs? Konata's give you AIDs too! In fact, I'm sure that the Tea Ceremony club is finding new ways to give EVERYONE AIDs. Wait, wasn't my dream to become a viral weapon designer to do just that…Those bastards are stealing my ideas!_

"…How come you never switched to wearing contacts?" She finished.

_Because sticking a thin piece of gel in my eyes is painful._

"Well it's a little embarrassing to admit now that I'm in high school…but…" I turned my head and said, I turned back to them and placed my hands on my chest. "…I suppose you could say I'm afraid of contact lenses! Actually I'm pretty scared to put anything into my eyes. I can't even open my eyes underwater."

_Pool water at least, but that's hardly water, more like bleach with some traces of H2O. Especially here after all those radiation scares popping up lately in the water. Bleach doesn't filter out radiation though._

Konata stared at me like she was frustrated somehow. Probably frustrated at how awesome I was.

Besides stupid conversations, these girls would even stalk me. Not kidding either. I expected it from the Tea Ceremony cultists, but friends!

Later that day I was passing through town to buy some new guitar strings. I passed by Yoshimizu Optometrist, the place where I get my eyes checked, when I noticed some hornets were tailing me. Keep in mind hornets are not so much of insects as they are tiny gods. Merciless gods with pointy stingers that hurt and make you itch really bad.

I paced quietly and tried not to make any sudden movements. My hope was that they would loose interest and fly off. They were getting a little too close for comfort and I accidentally walked into a mailbox. That hurt…really bad. I glance over and guess who's watching me from across the street? Tsukasa and Konata with stupid little grins on their faces. At that point I broke moral and made a run for it.

Then the next day they walk up to me in class like I didn't know they were stalking me. They started asking something about the difference between colds and flu's. More stupid stuff they could have just looked up on their own…or bothered Kuroi for once.

"Oh? The difference between influenza and a cold?" I said, repeating the question. Because that's what you were supposed to do on essay questions in tests.

_Flu's are like colds on steroids._

Konata nodded her head up in down in excitement.

_You get excited over this? Seriously, I hope no one ever gives you coffee. I want coffee._

"Let me see now…" I began. I needed a second to get my wiki brain working. "Influenza is a viral illness with many symptoms such as fever and muscle aches. If not treated there's a risk of more serious complications. On the other hand the symptoms of a cold are a sore throat and runny nose, and the fever doesn't run as high. Those are just a few of symptoms that differ from the flu's."

"Huh…" Konata muttered, clearly not impressed.

_I just gave you the kind of answer that gives me such a high standing in class. What more do you want from me! Besides sex and coffee, because I can't have those either. Okay Konata, you provide the coffee and I'll provide the sex. Deal?_

"So to answer your question, yes they are different illnesses." I finished.

_How could you not have known that?_

Konata looked even more pissed off now.

_Yes you're wrong. Everything you say is wrong, get used to it. Minami is used to it, Cherry is used to it, so why can't you be used to it?_

I then thought of a way to make this little crybaby feel better. "Oh, but then again, colds and flu's do share many common traits! I guess one could say that a flu is sort of a scaled up version of a cold." I said cheerfully.

Her proverbial rain cloud disappeared and her eyes shined like stars. "I knew it!" _Then why did you come to me. What's the third rule of dealing with Miyuki? Don't bother Miyuki! While we're at it, let's go over rules one and two. They're both "Do not talk about Miyuki." Which I see you doing in the halls!_

At this point you're no doubt wondering… "Okay, enough about them Miyuki. What about Kagami? Where does she fit into all of this?" Kagami was the lesser of the three evils. She certainly had her faults but wasn't nearly as irritating as her sister or Konata. Her main issue was her constant bitchiness about everything Konata did and her weight. I never understood why her and Konata were friends if they just argued all day about stupid stuff. At least Konata and Tsukasa agreed on things.

My parole hearing could not come soon enough. I felt stupid for getting caught trying to steal those computers, but they were brand new machines that the school had just bought. Everything was harder when I tried to steal stuff. Everything.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	2. What I Can Get Away With

**MIYUKI, THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE**

**CHAPTER 2**

**WHAT I CAN GET AWAY WITH**

**Part 2 of 24**

At this point you're probably wondering. "What about Kagami? What do we know about her?" Well, I have a little story about that too, not as bad though. I considered her to be the lesser of the three evils. I was sitting on the train waiting to arrive to her part of town, and wondering if any of those Tea Ceremony cultists were trailing me. A few days earlier this week, I had passed their open clubroom during class and they had a stereo going. They were listening to Billy Idol's _Rebel Yell_ which was a weird thing to listen to while drinking bitter green tea in a catatonic state. Seriously, cultists.

In all fairness, I had done some creepy things in my time as well. Most notably was that time I convinced my friends to go with me on my birthday to dig up skulls in the local cemetery to add to my collection. I realized that a human skull is a difficult thing to house as a trophy so I dumped them all into the various overnight bags of my friends since it was a sleepover. I think Tsumugi got called into court over that. That was a good birthday…

Anyway, I had purchased a few 'sicky' gifts for Kagami since she was down with a flu or something. Or dead. She was the class representative for her class, as I was to mind. It was only natural that was my role, since I was the only one who could actually represent the class in a way that didn't make us all look like mentally deficient animals. It made me wonder why everyone who wasn't me was such a god damned failure. Being me was easy! Why couldn't other people do it?

"Kagami!" Her mother called up when I entered. Kagami's mother looked surprisingly young and pretty for having four kids, two of which in college_. _"Miyuki-chan's come over to visit you!"

_This woman is awfully friendly for just meeting me. I mean, l love the due respect that I deserve, but it's a bit awkward. Chances are that Tsukasa and Kagami never have friends over, besides Misao; who probably eats the upholstery. From what I know about Kagami, her being friends with Misao is kind of senseless. I don't understand anything._

"Okay!" Kagami called back.

"May I come in?" I said and just walked in anyways. Her room smelled like her, I didn't like that smell. Smelled like amido black, which I had a particular fear of. I know the police have no reason to dump that stuff on my walls, but I'm still afraid of them doing that since the stuff is so powerful.

"I hope this isn't too much trouble." She modestly replied, looking glad to see me.

_It was, because I was going to steal movie posters from the cinema, but we're even since you get to deal with the Tea Ceremony Club's budget. Why do they want a plasma TV? What possible use could this club have for that? They're not even requesting money for tea and…wait…it says here that they want to make a long term financial plan so they can afford airline tickets to go to Indonesia. What did I say? Cultists!_

"Not at all!" I lied. "You should be resting though. Here's a little something."

I handed her the gifts I purchased on the way there, which was standard sicky relief stuff. Well, standard for standard people, not for me. My best tonic for flues was two shot of gin and half a bottle of Advil. I wondered if I sounded stupid for insisting she rest while already in bed. I wouldn't know much about being sick since my white blood cells where like predator missiles. When I got my degree in viral weaponry, I would make every bodies white blood cells whither and die!

"I'm feeling a lot better now, I took some medicine so my fevers down." Kagami replied and accepted the gifts. "Wow! You brought me flowers and fruit, you shouldn't have."

_But I did because I'm awesome. Now do me a favor and tell your sister to keep at least five meters away from me at all times. Konata too, yesterday she came to school smelling like crabmeat. That had me wondering all day, because I couldn't understand what you had to do make your entire body smell like that. It would be a good trick to learn if I needed to get rid of the smell of acid lime from my hands. That stuff was overpowering, but it dissolved flesh really well and covered the smell._

"Come on, sit down!" She nearly demanded.

"Thank you, I will." I obliged and took a seat next to her bed. "I had though of coming by with Izumi-san. Unfortunately, I just couldn't seem to find anytime. I'm sorry." _Actually I'm not sorry and I didn't want to be near Konata because she smelled like crabmeat that day. Crabmeat coincidentally smells like cat piss. Wait, maybe a bunch of cats peed on her. No, cat pee is way more rancid then that._

"No really, it's fine." Kagami said happily with a wave of her hand.

"I almost forgot, I brought you the minutes from the committee meeting." I said and retrieved a few papers. All anyone did during that thing was talk about anime and their 'waifus'.

"Thank you!" The sick girl exclaimed.

_Like I said, you get to deal with the Tea Ceremony Club thing. The Tea Ceremony Club at my last school wasn't like this at all. They were actually kind of nice and I think Tsumugi was part of it. That girl may have been a complete and utter tool, and almost as weird as Sakaki, but she played a mean piano. I got her to play a few Children of Bodom covers, so that was pretty cool. Looking back, I miss those three…_

"Have a look at it when you can, but only when you're feeling up to it. There's no rush." I urged. Kagami just nodded. "There's that and I have the budget requests for each club here…what else was there? Let me see now…"

_No wait I didn't bring anything else along, now to execute plan "Use Sympathy and Kindness to Excuse Oneself". I always use that when grandfather decides he wants to start telling war stories again. He someone finds a way to make a story about stabbing an American soldier with a bayonet -something which is inherently awesome- into a four hour rambling monologue that puts you to sleep. But if you fall asleep then he hits you with that leather belt he always carries around. I feel like I may be not just the only sane person in this school, but in my family as well._

_Why is everyone who isn't me so god damned messed up in the head?_

"Oh! But you're not feeling well right now, I should go home so you can rest." I kindly excused myself.

_That and I want to play that new Silent Hill game I got. Man I wish something like that would happen around here. Pyramid Head raping everyone would be COOL. I'd definitely survive, he'd trap you in a room and you'd just sit their and waste all your ammo. I would know not to shoot at him since you can only kill him at the end of the game. Then you'll be out of ammo when a creepy nurse beats you to death with a crutch. And how will be laughing in the end? Miyuki will, that's who. I'm positive I could survive any disaster scenario. Like a tsunami…or earthquake… or both at the same time! _

"Now this is what a visit should be like!" Kagami nearly shouted looked me in the eyes. She had a look of extreme gratitude and happiness.

_That's right…worship me._

"What do you mean, what happened?" I asked.

_Wait, Konata was hear a bit before me. That little thing probably threw up on the carpet and stole stuff. I mean, I stole some wall art her home phone on my way up here, but that's different. Huh, I wonder if she has any video games to steal._

"Well, you know how Konata came by yesterday?" She began. Kagami ended up telling this very non-fascinating tale of how Konata came over and watched her sleep for an hour or two. When Kagami awoke Konata tried to steal her homework or something. So it was so god damned lame that it had offended Kagami. I understood, because Konata screwed up by not screwing up more. If she had gone just tried to make off with Kagami's computer after eating her out in her sleep, then the story would have been much more interesting. But no, Konata has to make sure that even potential stories are ruined around her.

"…That's what happened." She finished.

_Good to know Konata doesn't reserve her behavior for me. Actually I kind of wish she did, then I could get a restraining order. I wonder if I could lead her onto thinking I want to date her or something, and when she makes the first move- BAM! Restraining order. It's a good thing that restraining order Tsumugi put on me is over. Man, some friend she turned out to be. Anyways…time to play Super Miyuki._

"Maybe that was Izumi-san's funny little way of showing you she cared. Perhaps the bit with the homework was her attempt at cheering you up, Kagami-san. And maybe she was trying not to wake you up, but couldn't help noticing as you slept, and that would certainly explain how she saw you sleeping." I explained to her.

_But that's all if you wanted to look at it an optimistic light. Which I certainly do not, chances are Konata was smelling your hair while you were asleep too. Or your armpits. I've done that with Minami when she isn't looking. Only got caught once, then promptly head butted her so I didn't come off as weird. Just violent. I can handle people thinking I'm violent._

She looked at me with extreme surprise, she was sweating profusely.

_I don't blame her. Oh yeah, you may want to double check everything you own, chances are not all of it's there. Hmm, I wonder…I could probably steal some stuff while Kagami wasn't looking then blame on Konata. I wonder what Kagami has that I would want? Maybe Tsukasa has some stuff…speaking of her…_

"Oh, I just realized I haven't seen Tsukasa-san today." I thought out loud.

_And let's keep it that way for now._

But OF COURSE she opened the door at that time. "Morning…are you feeling any better today onee-chan, you need anything?" She saw me and gave me a look of terror, like she knew about my plans all of a sudden. Then she somehow slid back into the hallway and closed the door.

_Wait, how did she do that without moving her legs? Hey Tsukasa, are you a Tea Cultist too? Man, you can't trust anyone these days…_

"Look at that, my sister isn't even sick and she's more relaxed than I am." Kagami noted.

Tsukasa peered her head through the door and replied, "Well it's not like I'm always sleeping in this late, really…Today's like sleep-spring-dawn-something-or-other. Oh, by the way good morning!"

_Spring sleep what? You just made that up! I would know because I know everything. If you're going to come up with an excuse, at least make a cool one. In your case, I would say that I was out running errands last night, got locked out, and had to break through a window to get back in. Then I would say that I somehow managed to break into the wrong house, and the neighbor drew a gun on me for doing that… I know those were only rubber bullets, but CHRIST those hurt._

"Oh, I know how that is. Lately even I'm having trouble waking up in the morning." I said, pretending to relate to her.

_I'm always up by ten. ALWAYS. Maybe if I convinced them that I slept in until 4 on every break they would never bother me during them. Seriously Tsukasa. Stop_sending_me_text_messages._

"Yeah I know and I've been so sleepy lately."

_No, no, NO. She's dragging me into a downward spiral conversation. Abort mission Miyuki, ABORT MISSION! Okay, I just need to hold my breath until I pass out. That's what Sakamoto does when my aunt and uncle start questioning her about why she smells like alcohol and gunpowder._

"Me too, and it's especially warm out today so that doesn't help either."

_That won't stop me from wearing this awesome outfit I bought though. Speaking of outfits, what's with yours? Are you supposed to be a mage or something? Because only a mage would wear more than their body weight in fabric. A mage would also summon 150 shotguns and leave them laying around for people to just find. I wish I were a mage…_

"Isn't it though?"

"You really can't help it." I replied without thinking.

_Great now I'm stuck in a conversation with Tsukasa. Note to self, buy cyanide capsules. I need to learn to hold my breath better too._

"Wasn't it warm a couple days ago during our break?"

_Another extremely vague question. Since every day that week was around the same temperature, I'll just answer with yes. _

"It was."

"When I woke up it was just starting to get dark. I spent the whole day sleeping, can you believe it?"

_How in Cthulhu's name are you not fat? Since all you do is sleep you metabolism must be moving at an almost immeasurable speed. Not to mention you slather mayonnaise on everything you eat. Since I know you don't stay up late, you must sleep like 18 hours a day on breaks. God, you're like Cherry except you don't do cool dog things to make up for it._

"It's a good thing when you can rest up when you have the day off."

"Yeah but the thing is I was in my pajama's the whole day. Oh, like today!" _So those aren't wizard robes…those are your pajama's. I hate them. _

"I had no idea those were your pajama's!"

_Do you sleep in blankets too? I have silk sheets and sleep naked with the air conditioner set on full power. Knowing her, she probably sleeps next to the heater. No wonder she isn't fat, she just sweats all the extra weight away. Enjoy your malnourishment and fatigue._

"Oh yeah, they're my jammies."

_Words like that make me want to hit you with a sock filled with rolls of change. Or the Ambassador to Miyuki Land- Brick-chan._

"I think they're adorable, why they don't even look like pajama's."

_They look like mages robes, and I think cosplayers are about as cool as Muammar Gaddafi. Come to think of it, that guy dressed like a wizard too. Damn it, cosplayers keep showing up everywhere I look._

"You think so?"

_No._

"Yes."

"Do you think it's okay if I wear them all day?"

_No._

"I think you could even go outside in them."

_I couldn't do that because I sleep naked. This reminds me of that news story where a police officer shot someone in the head in the U.S. state of Florida because they thought he was a zombie. People would think Tsukasa was a wizard, and since wizards are to be feared for their powers, panic would ensue. Basically, Tsukasa is the reason why people (like me) sleep with a gun._

That conversation dragged on for an unknown length of time. Eventually Miyuki autopilot mode turned on and I just nodded and said "I agree" at the right places.

**LATER…**

Looking back on high-school, I wouldn't say I was perfect. I was just better at everything compared to everyone else. I was even better than those three girls on our physical exams. The following day we had a physical exam, I was told that I was perfectly healthy in everyway. Except for my eyes and teeth though, but we don't talk about those. So not only was I a certified genius, I was also in fit shape incase of the apocalypse. Now all I needed was more gun training.

"How dare you look happier than the rest of us, damn you!" Kagami literally shrieked at me after I exited the medical ward. Medical ward sounded so much cooler than 'clinic'.

_Sigh… Let me guess… Kagami, you have an allergic reaction to Pocky, your favorite snack, and it doesn't digest correctly. So now all of that food is sitting in your stomach rotting, effectively poisoning you from the inside out. So now you're taking your rage out on me, very mature. _

_Tsukasa…you look unhappy because you were just diagnosed with Downs Syndrome._

_Konata…you look unhappy because you were just told you have syphilis. Those are all perfectly logic conclusions._

Moving on now, what sucked the most about high-school was until I got home, there was no escape from these people. Luckily I managed to appear boring to them so they left me alone for the most part during school. It felt like I was fast becoming their personal encyclopedia who sometimes hung around for the rides. Speaking of ride, another snippet of conversation occurred during that last part of the day where I parted from them at the station to go home.

"That's crazy, I haven't ever heard of anyone using a case of may sickness as an excuse before." Kagami said with her arms at her side. We were waiting for the train and Konata was going about how she fooled Kuroi with a made up illness. That somehow didn't surprise me. I tried to tell her once that I was dead and couldn't come into school, but that required a doctor's note. Stupid parole.

"I understand where she's coming from though." I said, this time I wasn't completely lying.

_It's extremely easy to fool Kuroi. If I wanted to take the day off, I could tell her that I bit off my own foot and she wouldn't question it. That doesn't help the doctor's note thing. That guy hates me after I snatched up a whole bunch of pills when he was looking and stuffed them in my tote bag. The receptionist somehow managed to catch me though, but after I casually explained in detail on how to make a pipe bomb that could level the building, they didn't press charges. I think that makes me a terrorist._

"Well they call it a sickness though, so the excuse is totally legit isn't it?" Konata asked.

_No…no it's not. Take Cabin Fever for instance, not an actual disease. It's just a stupid mindset. Along with being a pedophile._

"Do you honestly think that's true?" Kagami asked skeptically.

"What exactly is the may sickness anyways?" Tsukasa asked from the far side of them.

"Miyuki, do you wanna explain it?" Kagami said, selling me out.

_Why are you dragging me into this? This has nothing to do with me! Stop distracting me, I need to be thinking about how to stop those Tea Ceremony cultist from getting into my house. They're probably onto me, so I'm thinking I'll rig my yard with nails on buried shotgun shells. No, that'll just blow Mother's leg off because she'd probably forget where I buried them. Sakamoto used to do this to hunt wild pigs behind her house, and it worked like a charm._

"Well, by definition may sickness happens after you've accomplished a major goal, such as a college entry exam. Or if you've just gotten a new job, it also happens when a relationship that started in April doesn't workout. Or when you can't reconcile the life you wanted versus the life you have. The symptoms include lethargy, apathy, and even a mild degree of depression. You see, if you just feel lethargic I don't think you can call that the may sickness."

"Besides all of us are still in the 11th grade, so it doesn't even apply to us yet." Kagami decided to add.

"I like the change of pace in spring, I always do my best this time of year" Konata said pretty much randomly.

_Weren't you just complaining about may sickness a moment ago? Now all of a sudden spring leaves to pumped and energized to do your best? Nothing any of you say makes any sense!_

"Oh yeah, I guess I can see your point though…" Kagami replied,"…I tend to feel a little blah around this time of the year too. I dunno it's like sometimes I don't even feel like doing homework and stuff when I get home."

_But did Konata just say that spring made her do her best? And you just agreed with that…or were you agreeing with the whole may sickness thing? Please address the statement to who you are to replying to._

"Yeah I'm the same way." Konata said happily and pointed at herself.

_We know, that's why she agreed with you. Great now we're stuck in an endless spiral of agreeing with each other. Please have the grace and courtesy not to involve me. Hm, they're not really looking at me… I wonder if I could push Tsukasa in front of the oncoming train. It would look like suicide, and they'd suspect Konata over me._

"Huh, I'm skipping the snipe remark. I'm exhausted." Kagami muttered.

_Snide remark? Oh about how she doesn't do her homework? Yes that's been established that she never does it, it shows in her grades. Pointing it out doesn't make your grade raise any higher. Your grades aren't much better though. Still in the double digits in terms of percentage. I'm part of the triple digit master race._

Since I now have the chance to rant about high-school, I'm going to take this chance to get nearly every opportunity vented out of me. Thinking back on it, those girls chose the strangest times to interact with me, usually when it was most inconvenient for me. But I have to give Tsukasa SOME credit, at least she had good intentions. She was an idiot, but a nice idiot.

"What's wrong Yuki-chan? Why are you sighing and stuff?" She asked nicely, it was a day when my cavity was being especially painful. I knew drinking 4 cans of Dr. Pepper a night would come back to haunt me, but I couldn't stop. The dentist could go die for all I care, the only Dr. I needed was Pepper and his PHD in tasty.

_No harm in telling her I guess…I doubt any bad can come of it._

"Well I'm a little embarrassed to talk about it, it's like my phobia of contact lenses. I'm afraid to go to the dentist's and I've put it off for so long that my cavity's gotten worse. And now it's so bad that it hurts when I drink water." I explained to her.

_If she goes on spiel about how I should brush my teeth and floss more then I'm going to flip my desk over and walk out on her. I really don't need a lecture from someone below my intellectual level. Last time I had a friend tried to lecture me, I let them know that an accident could happen. As in their house burning down._

"But…isn't that sort of normal?" Tsukasa asked after a moment of thinking. "I mean I'm afraid of that too."

_Getting cavities that bad? No, that's why we have dentists…I just tend to avoid them and their evil drills of pain and suffering. You don't count because you're afraid of everything. Me on the other hand, I'm not afraid of a single thing in the world. It's simply because I have a contingency plan for any bad event that could possibly happen. Like if that kid over there in the Tea Ceremony drew a gun and finally snapped, I knew what to do. This is why I always came to school with a Kevlar vest under my fuku…Which may have been why my breasts got so compacted, even if this was a female model. I understand that some people would call wearing a bullet proof vest everywhere I went 'paranoid', but it was a pretty smart safety precaution._

Konata popped up right in my face right after Tsukasa said that. "But if you knew it was going to get this bad, then _why _didn't you take care of it earlier?"

_I…I don't even know how to reply to that. Here I am spilling my guts out to nice sweet, caring Tsukasa. Then you pop up and lecturing me on this. I'm resisting the urge to just start choking you in front of everyone here. And that would cause sooo many problems that I'm just not prepared to deal with. First they would expel me, so then I would have to come back and steal everything. Second, stealing everything is exhausting work, I'd probably have to bring a wheelbarrow and those things are heavy. Then I would just HAVE to kick Misao in the teeth, and then you know she's the kind of person to hit me back. I really don't want to have to plea self-defense after killing her in a fight either. There would be witnesses too, and I don't know how well liked Misao is. If people hate her, then no one would testify against me if I killed her. No, wait, fuck, there's that Ayano girl that always hangs out with her. Okay, okay, I could kill Ayano THEN kill Misao. There. God, this would be so much easier if I brought a gun with me._

Konata just stared at me, looking judgmental.

_It's not your words that upset me. It's how my IQ is literally twice yours and you're trying to scorn me. You just don't do that!_

"Well even though I knew it was going to be tough for me when my teeth started hurting…" I began.

"…but for some reason you still don't want to go to the dentist." Tsukasa finished. _I think that Tsukasa is genuinely smarter than Konata at this point. She just doesn't know how to think correctly. Hm, maybe she could by my sidekick or something. I could always get her to be a character witness for me if I do kill Misao._

"Even after the pain starts you still don't want to go near a dentist. You just put it off and try to bear it for as long as possible." I explained, mostly to Konata.

"Are dentists really that scary? I never had to deal with them, so I don't know." Konata said to us.

_How do you like having metal tools pry apart your mouth? Then having metal pointy things scrape away at your teeth…then they begin the drilling. At that point you just have to hope that they remembered to use Novocain. But judging by your icky teeth you wouldn't know anything about it. _

"You've never been to a dentist? I'm jealous." Tsukasa replied to her.

_I don't think it's because she doesn't need it. It's probably because she neglects all forms of medical examination, most notably the mental kind. _

"There's that medicine you smell in the office, and then the tension as you wait in the lobby." I added, at least there were some things Tsukasa and I could agree on. _Seriously, that lobby is like death row. You can hear the screaming of other patients as those drills drill away at their mouth in a showery fountain of blood and carnage. _

"I know, and the sound of those drills drilling away in the back!" Tsukasa agreed. _If there was a zombie apocalypse I would go for an electronic drill first. If they can drill through teeth they can drill through skulls. I would sneak around then ambush zombies while screaming, "SURPRISE DRILL TO THE BRAIN!" But then again that would probably take a long time to accomplish. Man, I wish I knew how to snap necks, then zombies wouldn't be a problem at all. But OF COURSE they only teach how to do that if you're part of SAT or something. Come on, I'm a trustworthy person! Give me the power to kill!_

"So scary!" Tsukasa shouted and clutched her book.

_Oh you're still dwelling on dentists. Hmm, maybe a drill would make a good murder weapon…then there would be a lot of screaming and blood though. I was thinking about testing that on Misao but she's loud enough without having a spinning piece of metal carving out her stomach. There's just no simple way to kill anyone with drills these days. I envy the Danish. It would be interesting to see what would happened if I did stick the drill into her gut. It would be like twisting spaghetti around a fork._

"Maybe guys like going to the dentists more than girls do." Konata decided.

_I don't even want to know how you came up with that conclusion. _

"Why's that?" Tsukasa asked.

_Because she wants to make an anime reference or something, that's why._

"Don't they say that a drill is kinda like a guy's…" Konata said then screamed some anime she got all sweaty and made two fists with her hands. "I hear guy's go totally nuts for battles between robots with drills for weapons."

_And the reason why you're single is revealed. Guy's like four things and four things only- Video games, beer, guns, and lesbian porn. Drills seldom interact with those…especially the last one. Although that would be kind of cool…Hmm, I could probably get Minami to try that that with me. She's open to new things, like drills and passionate stuff. Come to think of it, mixing all four of those wouldn't be all that hard._

"Heh, yeah but I think they'd hate to have their teeth shaved off." Tsukasa said wisely.

_Probably, but who knows? There's someone who probably has a drill-to-teeth fetish…maybe Minami? Nah, she doesn't even like being naked around other people._

"Know that? When you go to the dentists have you ever noticed how pretty all the dental assistants and receptionists are?"

_This isn't going anywhere is it?_

"I come to think of it, they are." I realized.

_Because it makes more money than being a host or stripper. Not much more dignity though. Being a host would be pretty cool though, I would just carry around a taser and bottle of mace. Guy starts trying to get close to me I just mace 'em and scream "RAPE!". I'm a cute girl with glasses, they have to believe me. That's an unspoken rule of society or something. Maybe I could drag them to court too, Daddy has a good lawyer and I'm already a Thespian Extraordinaire. Wait…this sounds like something Sakamoto would do. Huh._

"I wonder why that would be?" Konata asked.

_Because it's a job you could do with a primary school education and nothing more._

"Maybe the person hiring them has certain aesthetic standard." I suggested.

_Stupid and pretty. Hey Tsukasa I think we just found a new career path for you!_

"Beautiful dental assistants and drills?" Konata thought out loud and stroked her proverbial beard.

_Sounds like a bad manga that Kyoto Animations would turn into an anime then act like it's a gift from god. *Coughcough*Haruhi*Coughcough*. No, that has too much plot and uniqueness. I don't get KyoAni, they either make animes with no plot at all, or animes with too much plot and make it so nobody knows what the fuck is going on. _

"The way you put it, I agree. It does sound more geared towards men." I said, actually agreeing with her for once.

_Then again all the fans of KyoAni's stuff are lonely Otaku guys who will never know what a vagina feels like. And preteen girls. Either way, I still hate them._

"Then what do you think a dentist geared more for women would be like?" Tsukasa asked.

_Fair enough question. Let's see… They let you watch bloody zombie movies and you don't have to wear pants. That. Would. Be. Awesome._

"First thing they'd have to get rid of would be that mediciney smell." Konata answered.

_Too bad it doesn't work like that. That smell isn't just there for the hell of it you know? But no, you don't know. Konata, I don't think I've ever heard you say something even remotely intelligent. Ever. Not even once. Either it's a question or something that's so grossly misinformed or ignorant that I feel tired after hearing it._

"And the chair they put you in should be one of those puffy reclining chairs with a massager in it." Tsukasa added.

_No because when you were sitting there vibrating the dentist would screw up his drilling and drill right through your jaw. I could imagine that sucking a lot. _

"Aroma therapy would be relaxing…" I said as well.

_Plus it wouldn't kill you like Tsukasa's idea. Really, am I the only one who has suggestions that won't kill us?_

"…and you could also have a foot massage at the same time."

_At least for me, I could afford that unlike you two peasants. Speaking of richness…Why does the Tea Ceremony club have a washing machine and dryer in their clubroom? I don't think kimonos are machine washable if they're the traditional kind, and they LOOKED traditional from what I saw. The other day one of them was wearing kabuki make up. That's not normal, that's not normal at all!_

"That sounds good." Tsukasa said dreamily.

"And if you were able to play games while they were drilling on you. That would help to ease the pain." Konata added as well.

_Okay you just took it too far. That's not even a good idea, especially if just vibrating would screw up their drilling. And not only that, what are they going to do? Somehow mount a TV above you and then have the dentist work around at a distance as to not block your line of sight? Konata. Stop saying stupid things!_

"It would be hard to play games then." Tsukasa said.

"It is a good idea to have something to distract us." I agreed.

_Just as long as it doesn't kill me. I'm glad neither of you will ever being positions that will have you making decisions. Even catering, because Tsukasa feels like the type to order cyanide placed in all the cupcakes. I don't know WHY she would do that, but it fits her motif pretty much perfectly._

"Like putting on some headphones and listening to your favorite music." Konata added.

_You're already allowed to do that. Konata, stop being wrong about everything!_

"Good one." Tsukasa complimented.

_No it's not, because it's already been done! That would be like praising me for saying that you can use hot water in the shower._

"That's a great idea." I said too, just not caring anymore.

"Mhm." Konata hummed and bowed her head.

_She's going to go home and blog about this, isn't she? If she uses my name I'm DDOS'ing her site. I know people, I know lot's of people. _

"But in the end I still don't want to go to the dentist." I said finally ending that conversation.

"Me either." Tsukasa muttered.

**INTERMITION **

After reading all of this one would most likely be thinking, "Gee Miyuki if you complained about them so much then why did pretend to be all nice?"

Because I learned that it's best keep those thoughts inside your mind. Back in Junior High I would speak my mind freely, then some tough guy would show up and I'd end up regretting a lot of things I had said. Really it's easier this way, annoying but there's less blood. Now I just silently lament about how awesome I am compared to everyone else. Didn't help that Sakaki and Tsumugi never helped me out in those situations. Run was always too busy with that little girl from a lower grade, who I think was gay for her.

Time for my next little story. The four of us were eating at McDonalds (Kagami's choice obviously), I had left to them to go wash the grease from my nuggets off my hands. I learned that nuggets were one of the least unhealthy things there, since the salads made me gain weight; along crippling digestive problems.

_Man I wish I was a dinosaur. Then I wouldn't have to take shit from anyone, if some douche tried to mess with me then I could just gobble them the fuck up. That's the kind of life I want. I would be one of those really big spiny made up dinosaurs from Jurassic Park 3. Or one of those mutated zombie ones from Parasite Eve, man that would be so cool. No, no, no! I want a PET dinosaur that I could ride around. That's only if the elephant thing falls through, and I doubt it will. I already started talking to Daddy about it, and he still has lots of money left over from the panda fiasco. _

Anyways, I washed my hands and went to rejoin those girls. I noticed that Tsukasa and Kagami were laughing hysterically.

_Ooh, did someone die? Was it Konata? Did she choke to death?_

"I'm sorry I took so long but the bathroom was crowded." I said and went to sit down. "Did I miss something?"

_Wait, where'd my last chicken nugget go? I only got a six piece meal, how could you eat the last one? I bet it was Konata. Okay I'm googling you address because you have a date with a brick. I mean your window does._

"Come on show Miyuki that crazy face you just made." Kagami demanded between laughs.

_This better be worth my loss of nugget. I wonder how well Konata knew Misao, because I could blame it on her. Tsukasa is still my character witness in this, or scapegoat. Whichever works in my favor._

"No, I don't want to…" Konata pouted.

"It was amazing Miyuki, you haven't ever seen anything like this ever!" Kagami kept laughing.

_I'll be the judge of that, I've sat through Two Girls One Cup before._

"Fine." Konata rolled her eyes and made the face. I lost it.

_How…how do you do that? That doesn't even look human! I'd pee myself if I hadn't just gone!_

"Isn't that totally amazing?" Tsukasa cheered.

_I wouldn't say amazing. It's more like watching someone get attacked by wolves at some campgrounds. You know you shouldn't laugh but you can't help it. Except Mother isn't freaking out over me laughing about it. She got Sakamoto to punch me in the stomach over it. Does that count as child abuse?_

"It will come in handy for the special talents section of your college entry applications!" I managed to say between bursts of laughter.

_No one should be able to make their eyes do that. NO ONE._

"Use it…use it to apply to colleges! I'm sure you'll get accepted!" Kagami laughed.

"Yeah, that's not really a compliment." Konata said and looked the other way. _Shut up freak, you don't get opinions from now on. I mean, you get them even less, since you're poor and all that. _

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	3. Two Birthdays One Date

**MIYUKI, THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE **

**CHAPTER 3**

**TWO BIRTHDAYS ONE DATE**

**Part 3 of 24.**

It was July 7th, I remember that day because it was the day I was going to go pick up a copy of _The Orange Box_ for Minami and I. Believe it or not, Half-Life is actually how both of us met. She moved across the street and her mother came over to meet mine, Minami reluctantly tagged along. I was in the living room playing the first Half-Life game and was struggling on some part because I was only about ten at the time and sucked at shooting games. So, out of nowhere this girl who I had never seen before asks if she can try her hand at it. She beats the boss and all of a sudden we're friends. I was good at the puzzle aspect of the game and she was good at the shooting, we would trade off depending on what the challenge was. Too bad the entire game was in English. You didn't need languages for games like that though.

So all these years later, here I am about to leave to buy this game so Minami and I can finally play Half-Life2 when my mother calls out to me. "Miyuki, Kagami-san was on the phone. Today's her and Tsukasa's birthday, I told them you'd be right over. Don't forget to buy them each a gift!"

_But…but I wanted to play vidjamagames with Minami-chan! They've already had like twenty birthdays each! Why do they need another? Fine, but I AM going to loot whatever I can stick into my tote bag when I get there. Looting things is one of the finer things in life, especially if you can get away with it. You can get away with it if you're an attractive young girl with glasses too. Except when it comes to stealing computers at school._

I briefly stopped in the city and bought some matching earrings for the two girls for about 37,500 yen each.

_They match and those two are twins. Good enough for me. But now I'm short on pocket money for that game, why do others celebrations have to ruin my happiness? This is almost as bad as what happened last Christmas with that porcupine I wanted. Poor, poor Prickly Pete…But in all seriousness, those two having a birthday is just selfish. They're going to invite people over, probably Misao included, and this is going to suck really bad. _

I followed their directions to their home and was instantly under whelmed.

_Oh come on, I don't hear music playing, nobody's chilling out in the front yard, and there aren't any cars parked here. There better be at least four kegs of booze here, and it better not be cheap stuff either. If they play rap or pop, I reserve the right to smash the stereo and steal the remaining CD's. Nah, I'll steal the CD's either way. _

"Come on in!" Kagami said theatrically after opening the door. _We didn't even knock and…WE? When the hell did Konata show up here? Did she follow me or something? That's weird! Normal people don't do that! Why is everyone but me completely insane?_

"Happy birthday Tsukasa…and the other one with longer hair." Konata said and waved.

_The one with longer hair better not have invited Misao, then I have competition with my looting. At least Misao gave us a good estimate about how much manga you can hide in your underwear. The correct answer is one or less. _

"I have a name!" Kagami barked.

_Yeah, but we're not on a first or last name basis with you. I don't ever see you around to begin with. As far as I can tell, you could be worse than these two combined._

"Happy birthday Kagami-san, and Tsukasa-san." I said as well.

_How many birthdays do these two need? Why are we celebrating birth dates anyway? I wouldn't hate birthdays if they weren't being celebrated for all the wrong reasons. See, you have to understand that millions of people die every year. Some people die from random things, some people die in war, some people die from their own stupidity, and others die when they come to another country and allegedly attempt to rape my cousin Sakamoto. I say 'allegedly' because the details around that whole case are fuzzy. Like, I'm not exactly sure how you drown someone who's trying to rape you in a toilet bowl. Anyways, with how many people die each day, going 365 in a row without dying is pretty impressive. We should celebrate that instead._

"I hope you like the flowers be brought." Konata and I lifted up the bouquet of flowers we each had. _I doubt your neighbor down the street will even notice them gone from her garden. If so we can always blame Konata. Ah, I love blaming others for the things I do…and plan to do. Mine look more professional than hers and I just stole them from someone's garden. Konata is an ever flowing fountain of fail, isn't she?_

"Aww, thank you!" Kagami said and took one.

"Thanks a lot!" Tsukasa said and took the other too.

_Thanks a lot? So by saying "a lot" you're trying to one up Kagami's thanks? I see how it is. I heard something about sibling rivalry, and I know Sakamoto beats up Satsuki all the time. Then again, Satsuki tried to have sex with me once; which was weird. I wonder if Tsukasa ever tried to sleep with her same sex cousin? Probably._

"You're welcome." I replied and held up my bags that had the earrings. "I know it's not much but I saw these and thought you'd like them."

_If only you knew the sacrifice that went into them. I think they're diamond, so they're made from African slave labor. America had it all wrong with the slave thing. Don't just enslave black people, enslave everyone under the poverty line. They won't know the difference and we wealthy people can buy more stuff. It works out for everyone really._

"What is it?" Kagami asked as the two of them took each of the cyan colored bags.

_You don't find it at all redundant to ask what it is when you're going to open it in just a few seconds?_

"Please open it." I insisted.

_The faster we get this out of the way the better. Man if I could control time then life would be so much easier. I know there's that phrase "With great power comes great responsibility." But I would totally abuse that power to no end. I would probably never buy anything ever again, I would just go door to door until I found what I wanted. There would be a great mystery across the land as Dr. Pepper started disappearing out of peoples homes arbitrarily. Not to mention I would probably strip people down naked and put them in poses in public places. They wouldn't be in that pose long when they unfroze time, but they'd be naked. I could see Minami naked too, so that'd be awesome._

"Oh they're matching earrings!" Tsukasa exclaimed as they both opened the small boxes.

_I like that blue sundress Tsukasa is wearing, I wonder if there's any way I could "borrow" it. I could, theoretically, stick around here until nightfall then take it when she was bathing. Getting into the bathroom while she's bathing would be pretty hard to do unnoticed, especially if the door is locked. But I've gotten into tougher situations, like when Cherry crawled under Minami's porch. Now THAT was a difficult encounter. Sakamoto stole a bunch of my clothes that way though, but I can't compare myself to her. That girl is a master of theft. She stole like 10 gift cards by fitting them into her panties and a few into her lady parts. I tried to do that, but the size of those cards is not really conducive to being fit into anything other than a wallet. Like I said, Sakamoto was a master._

"I couldn't decide on what to get, but I thought those might look great on you." I told them.

_Eh, maybe on Tsukasa. Kagami and jewelry do not match. And it was a pretty difficult choice. It was either the earrings or the dog toys, both of which I know you would enjoy equally. _

Konata stepped up next to me and held up two plastic bags, they were each blue and orange. "You two are gonna flip when you see the presents I got you!"

_Methinks you may be incorrect about that. Let me guess… A cheap novelty SOS Brigade armband for Kagami, and a uniform from that show Too Heart. The one girl who has the ribbon that looks EXACTLY like the one Tsukasa wears. Come to think of it, those two look quite alike, more than just a slight comparison really._

"What is it?" Kagami asked skeptically while Tsukasa smiled thoughtfully.

"Go on open it!"

_Actually considering Konata…it's more than likely a dead bird or something that she dragged in. Cherry did that once, but the bird was too mangled to cook and eat._

"What's this?" Kagami asked and held up an orange armband with black kanji on it.

_No way…I was actually right. Why do I not feel any sort of satisfaction from that? This isn't the kind of thing I want to be right about._

"A Brigade Leader armband. I knew you'd love it." Konata answered with a proud smile.

_Yeah, she'll love it the same way I love dentists. They're useful in the end but I'll fight them, teeth and nails, the whole way through. That's what makes dentists even worse, is how they serve a purpose. Just like pigs. I hate pigs so much, but getting bacon from people isn't really a viable option yet. Give us a few more decades, and sure we'll have people bacon then, but who's to say I'll even like bacon then._

"Jeez Konata, why would you think I'd wear something like this?" Kagami scolded.

"Aww come on Kagami just put it on, I think it'd look perfect on you." Konata tried to convince her.

_Maybe on our normal school uniforms…Oh man, what am I thinking? I would get an armband that said "Bad-ass Miyuki" in English on it, but I'm sure I'd run into someone who actually knew the phrase in English. Why were English speaking people such a problem?_

"It's more your style." She replied.

_Come to think of it Konata DOES sound a lot like Haruhi. I still don't know why I even finished that series AND Endless Eight. Does anyone actually like Endless Eight? I mean legitimately like it, not just defending it because they like all the other Haruhi stuff? Also, why is Haruhi such a pain to pronounce. Hah-Roo-Hee. The third syllable just doesn't come naturally at all, so everyone just says it like Harui. _

"Umm…what's this?" Tsukasa asked shyly and held up a red sailor uniform, it looked a lot like our uniforms.

_Too Heart? Really, I got it right again…Still no sense of satisfaction. Why am I always right about things like this? I want to be right about the anthropomorphic frog people living in the nearby creek. There's no end to the uses they'd have._

"It was really expensive too." Konata remarked, Kagami had a look of utter shock on her face. "Take care of it when you wear it!"

"Hey! Stop trying to make both us cosplay!" Kagami screamed at the blunette.

_Or make just make them cosplay as something cool. Like zombies! Hmm, maybe I should organize a zombie walk one of these days. I'm sure I could go online and find a couple hundred people to dress up in fake blood and torn clothes. We could walk down Akiba and bite at all the A-boys. No, wait, that guy in Florida got shot because of that. I wouldn't care if someone got shot that wasn't me, but if I did get shot, then it would be a problem. I'm not an organ donor, so the paramedics would work at saving me if I did get shot in the head; so there's that. I have a decent chance of surviving a 9mm if the shot is angled right. Worst case scenario, I lose an eye. Hell, Simo Hayha took two 7.56's to the head and lived. All in all the chances of me dying in a zombie walk are so astronomically low that's its worth trying._

"Aww, it's not that different from out school uniforms…" Konata muttered trying to justify her crappy gift.

_I bought my gifts as an afterthought and still managed to one-up you. Way to fail Konata, way to fail. I guess its not my fault that I was born with the correct number of chromosomes. Hanging around her is almost fun because she provides interesting examples of just how bad someone could screw up everything they did. _

We then went up stairs to feast upon Tsukasa's cookies. I don't care what mental disability this girl had, she made AWESOME freaking cookies. In their room, I managed to covertly steal five manga versions. I excused myself to the restroom and promptly stashed two women's razors, a bar of soap, and a pair of socks someone had left in there into my tote bag. Cherry liked socks, so they'd be a present for me. She was just so adorable sliding around the tile floor with socks on her paws.

I returned and engaged myself in a rather interesting conversation. I don't even remember how it go started.

"…Well that could be a problem, especially if it's too big." I added in.

_Huh, just like with gift cards. _

"I know, and what if its stinky?" Tsukasa asked cheerfully.

_Is this one of those 'who can say the grossest thing' contests? I could tell them about how Sakamoto would catch fish then rip them in half starting at the mouth. She told he she did that to a cat once too. I'm actually glad I wasn't around to witness that. I get the feeling that something is seriously wrong with that girl._

Kagami turned and looked at Konata who had about six or seven cookies crammed into her mouth. "You know it's our birthday, you think you could ease up on the cookie eating?"

_Just let her keep shoving cookies in there. If we're lucky she'll unhinge her jaw or choke to death. Or at least unhinge her jaw so we never have to hear her speak again. No, wait, that's not as cool as choking to death, which is more probable. If she does start choking, I'll tell Tsukasa and Kagami I'm certified in CPR, then press my elbow down on her neck as I pretend to compress her chest and all that. _

"I can't help it, Tsukasa makes the best cookies ever!" Konata replied and shoved another handful into her mouth.

_Please unhinge your jaw…please unhinge your jaw. Or choke._

"Oh, glad you like them. I actually helped her bake them this morning." Kagami told her. Konata stopped mid cookie.

_Why did you tell her that! Damnit Kagami you sure love ruining every ones hopes and dreams don't you? How would you like it if I told you that Pocky was made from goats blood and orphan skin, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THAT! Wait, no, that would actually taste better since Pocky is made from chalk._

"Yeah, she taught me a lot."

The rest of the party went on like any normal day with those three would have. Sadly when I finally left, the game store I wanted to buy my game at was closed and I barely had gotten any loot. Any loot of value at least. The extra razors would come in handy later for their blades for the floor traps I was setting up in my room. I had to find a way to keep mother out of there though, because these traps were getting kind of deadly. Especially the napalm one that is set to go off if my computer tower is moved too much.

**THE FOLLOWING DAY**

_Am I the only one who sees them?_

The Tea Ceremony Club was visiting a friend/potential sacrifice in our class during our break. They were all wearing their kimonos and make up too, yet nobody remarked.

Then Konata walked over asked how well I could cook or something.

_Great now she wants me to become her maid. I guess Miyukipedia just wasn't good enough huh? This is the problem with being perfect at everything- people make you do things you really don't want to do!_

"Oh, do I know how to cook? Actually I only help out around the house every now and then. So I'm afraid I'm not very good at chores and things. I'm ashamed to say it."

_But I follow a very simple philosophy- Don't make the mess in the first place. And since Mother is always too lazy to cook, I just eat at Minami's house. Ah, without Minami I would probably go crazy and bite some ones ear off. Probably Misao's. She seems like an easy scapegoat for all of my problems…even though I don't actually know her. I wonder if a human ear is edible. I know there's a fungus that looks like a human ear that's edible. What am I talking about? The ear is all cartilage. I know for a fact that the brain and nose aren't good to eat, so why would this be any different. That's the problem with human heads, the only thing worth keeping is the skull and that's just because the thing is so damn hard to get rid of. This is why I hate living in Japan sometimes. There are so many people around that the complete evisceration of a human carcass is hard to do without drawing suspicious or attention for the how much of a mess it makes._

"See, told ya." Konata said triumphantly to Kagami and Tsukasa.

_Told them what? That I'm a failure? That's probably it isn't it? This is why I need to start keeping a list of names around here. I can't even remember all the people I hate, and it's getting so bad that I actually need to write up a list to keep track. It's basically in case society collapses and anarchy takes over. I need to know who I can kill and eat first. Why resort to canned goods that can last years when a human body can feed me personally for weeks. I know how to fillet a human._

"Yeah but Miyuki is so good at everything else that you can't possibly compare her to any of us." Kagami said with her hands at her hips. "She's just been modest when she says she not good at something, that's all."

_I seem to have been seen through, well played Kagami, well played. Come to think of it, Kagami's elevator does seem to go to the top; unlike everyone else. I don't think I've seen Kagami do or say anything staggeringly stupid or incompetent. In the event of an aforementioned societal collapse, I could probably make her my wingman in the wreckage. The only problem is killing and eating Tsukasa without her catching on. She seems like the type to get upset about something like that actually. I don't see why, since I would eat my older brother in a situation like that._

"Hmm, I guess you're right?" Konata said and glared at me.

_No wait, this isn't good. If I give in and start gloating about my awesomeness then they'll see me as egotistical and conceited. I not either of those, I'm just really, really optimistic about how I'm better than everyone else. Okay Miyuki play it cool, act like you're just some ditzy airhead like Tsukasa. You vengeance will come later and the streets will flow with the blood of the unbelievers and heretics. Or they'll all die from an airborne virus created by me._

"Oh that's not true." I lied and looked the other way.

"I just thought of someone else, what about our teacher?" Konata asked.

_What about her? Wait you're not seriously comparing me to Kuroi are you? Konata, that's flat out low; even for you. _

"She lives alone and I always got the impression that she'd be a total slob."

_What does this have to with me? It's already well established that I'm clean and elegant…Oh wait you're talking about that conversation from before. STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT. _

They went off to talk to her but I stayed comfortably at my seat. Next class was track, that one was my favorite because I got to watch everyone squirm and fall under the summer heat. Watching other people be miserable was a favorite past time of mine.

"I can't stand up…" Tsukasa groaned and sat on the ground. Konata was busy washing her hand or something. I was perfectly content, all I needed to do was wipe my glasses down a bit.

_Come on, how out of shape can you be if you can't run a single kilometer? Not only are you all stupid, but you're out of shape too? This probably isn't even a normal high school. Mother probably accidentally enrolled me in one of those schools they keep stupid people and nobody talks about it because they don't want the kids to feel bad._

"Can someone please tell me why our school doesn't have a swimming class? We have a pool don't we?" Konata moaned and wiped her face off.

_Because like twelve kids all drowned a few months ago in the pool after someone dumped WAY too much bleach in there. Then they had to shut the school down for like a week and investigate it because it looked like a murder. That was a good day. Not to mention just about everyone here already should know how to swim. I can only laugh at the people who don't, because how much of a shut in do you have to be to not know how to swim?_

"I hate to admit it but I'm glad we don't have a swimming class." I told her.

"Huh, why's that?" Konata asked.

"Remember how I told you how I couldn't open my eyes underwater?" I reminded her.

_That and the whole lethal levels of bleach and chlorine. I'm surprised the school is even still open when you look up the history of it. Apparently like six janitors have died while on duty here. One locked himself in the freezer, another one got his arm cut off by a fan blade while doing maintenance work and bled out before he could be saved, and like two were fried while doing electric work in the ceilings. The other two died from suicides. It's like this whole school is like some slice of Hell that I got stuck in._

"I can't swim very far because of that. It's so embarrassing."

_Not really embarrassing, nothing can embarrass me. Especially after that incident with Minami's finish sauna, I've never seen fourteen chickens run out of a building that fast. Wait why is Konata starting at me and making a masturbatory motion with her left arm? That's not a normal thing people do. _

On my break, I planned to spend the day with Minami, but Mother insisted that I go with Konata and the others to the summer festival near where they live. Mother got what Mother wanted I supposed. That was why she was divorced, and also on the LIST.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	4. Happy Fun Adventures With Miyuki

**MIYUKI, THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE**

**CHAPTER 4**

**HAPPY FUN TIME ADVENTURES WITH MIYUKI**

**Part 4 of 24**

Have you ever had times where you wished life was like a tv show, videogame, book, or something like that? Well my time at the summer festival was _exactly _like that, the whole time I was wishing for something from an anime to happen. What anime you ask? _Elfen Lied_, that part where Lucy has a flashback to when she's a little girl at a similar summer festival. She goes crazy then cuts a few dozen people down in half. I wanted that to happen more than I've ever wanted anything to ever happen before.

_See, this is why I want to develop viruses that kill poor people. Rich people like ME had their own festivals to go, but Mother insisted I come here to get out more. In my own defense, I think I got out too much. This wasn't like that summer festival I went to last year with Minami and Sakamoto. I can't remember the property damage costs, but they were well into the tens of millions after that napalm fire got out of control. The authorities blamed this local gang and like twenty people got arrested because a police raid found all the materials to make explosives in their homes. That was what I liked to call 'dodging a bullet'._

"This is so much fun, we're all wearing yukatas." I said pleasantly. This was certainly not fun. This thing was crushing my breasts because that guy at the store tied the obi way too tight. Then there was the fact that I hate yukatas to begin with,

_I don't know how I ended up with this over the traditional kimono. Seriously, yukatas are something you where after taking a bath at one of those stupid old fashioned inns. It's a good thing I'm an optimist, because a pessimist would have snapped and drowned Tsukasa over in that little creek. I could probably actually get away with that. I just have to lead her away from the others without them noticing me and shove her head under the water with the sleeves of my yukata covering my palms and fingers. No wait, I could do it barehanded since the water would wash away the amino acids left on her from my hands. So yeah. I could murder Tsukasa if I wanted. _

"Mhm," Tsukasa nodded in agreement.

_You enjoy this because you don't have breasts that can be smushed in. And what is with that music in the background? Would it kill them to get a live band playing, and a decent one at that? I can play guitar semi-what well, and sing. I just got to get that Tsumugi girl here since she plays a mean piano. I wonder if she knows other musicians? Probably not, she's kind of a shut in._

"I know it's kind of cheating, but our obis are the pre-tied kind. They're much easier to put on." Kagami told us.

_I knew you two wouldn't be hardcore enough to have a properly tied obi. Pre-tied obis are just another example of Corporate Japan destroying all our traditions. Bah, I spit on you Kagami and Tsukasa, you are not true Japanese! _

"Yeah, putting on a kimono or yukata is hard enough, you know?" Tsukasa added. _Then stop having your mom do it and learn how to put it on yourself. It takes a whole ten minutes to become a master at it. Not even that long! Why is everyone who isn't me such an idiot? It was like I was blessed with this pool of knowledge while Tsukasa was given a puddle._

"You have a properly tied up obi, don't you Miyuki?" Kagami asked. _Naturally. _"I bet you tied it yourself."

_Of course I do, because I have basic motor skills! No, I better not tell them because they would kiss my feet all night over it. I don't know what's in Konata's saliva and they're not on a high enough standing with me to kiss even my feet._

"Actually no, I had the person at the shop tie it for me. Tying something like an obi would much too difficult for me to say the least."

"I heard that." Kagami said.

"Hey aren't you wearing a proper one too?" Kagami asked Konata, "I wasn't expecting that."

_Me either, personally I was expecting her to show up wearing a Canadian border patrol outfit. She's about as competent as one. _

"Did someone at the store tie it up for you?"

"Nope." Konata answered and did a little spin to show her red yukata off. "I got my dad to tie it for me."

_I would make a father-daughter incest joke here but…Nah, too obvious. Here in Miyuki Industries, we bring you jokes with class!_

"Oh really?" Kagami said uneasily.

_Somebody a bit jealous that your dad never ties your obis? Come to think of it my dad hasn't ever done anything like that before… Way to emotionally cripple me just now Kagami! Then again, I haven't seen Daddy since graduation last year. I wonder if he's still paying the EPA over that panda. _

"Come on, let's go!" Konata cheered and began skipping off, her zori's were clicking off the ground loudly. We followed her and passed the various festivities.

_Now I love Japanese festivities as much as the next nationalist who believes whole-heartedly that every other country fails; but seriously these festivities suck. It's like all the crappy booths of a carnival without someone dying on a faulty roller coaster. And that's like making an action movie without any action! The only reason people go to carnivals is to see someone die, and it's this unspoken rule that everyone rides the rides just in case they'll die and put on a spectacle. At least, that's how I think it works._

"Hey, Konata-chan!" A green haired policewoman called to us.

_Waaaiiiittt…I know this woman. That's Narumi, my parole officer! I'm off of parole, but stealing stuff gets a lot harder when I know she's around. If I remember right, she's he has forced tenure and can't legally quit until she pays off the police force. Her partner told me how ran over another officer at one point and shot herself in the foot at another._

"Who's that?" Kagami asked, "Are you in trouble with the law?"

_Not anymore, since the parole hearing went fine last week. Wait, does Konata have a parole officer too? What could Konata have done to get in trouble with the police? Stealing seems believable since she would have gotten caught easily. Man, I would have so gotten away with that computer if the person who owned it didn't see me leaving out the front door. Nobody else said anything, and I passed like 40 people with it in my arms. That's the thing with stealing, you just have to get past the guy who originally owned it._

"That's Yui nee-san." Konata answered her, "She's my cousin."

_I'm seeing the connection actually. I wonder if I can somehow convince Narumi to let Konata hold her service pistol, then trick her into shooting herself. I could probably do that easily._

"Nice to meetcha!" Yui said and waved to us. _Cat grin, ahoge, that aura that makes other want to hurt her… Definitely related to Konata. What did you do today Miyuki? Well I learned that someone else I know has no hope of ever proving themselves in my eyes. _

We said our greetings in the standard polite form.

_You know, the way that says, "Hey hi, I really don't want to be talking to you?" Without saying so. No, I don't think anyone does because they talk to me anyways._

"I hope you're behaving yourself today, listen to what these older girls say and get home early, okay?" Narumi lectured to Konata.

_Wait she's has a shred of responsibility? Hmm, maybe not violating my parole WAS a good idea. So it was worth it in the end. I think tonight I'll go home and play a drinking game. I'll get a bottle of vodka and take a shot every time an actor botches their line in the third Twilight movie. If you don't see me tomorrow, I'll have drank myself to death!_

Kagami was thinking something because she was making a face and waving her hand.

_Remembering to talk is a pretty cool guy, eh communicates ideas and doesn't afraid of anything. It's like she giving exposition to an unknown audience with her thoughts or something._

"Nah, all of us are in the same grade." Konata corrected and waved her hand towards us.

_Great now she's going to think I had to repeat a grade or six. With the way these three act, I find it hard to believe I'm in the same grade either. Man, to think I could be in UNIVERSITY right now._

"Really!" Yui twitched. "I'm so sorry I couldn't tell, I mean you're so much taller than…you know…yeah."

"No worries." Kagami assured her.

_Wait, does she even recognize me? She knows my age, right?_

"I'll yell ya, kids these days…You sure do mature awful fast, don't ya?" Yui said conversationally. Kagami made a face and did the hand waving thing.

_Sorry Officer Yui, the human species does not evolve to the point where we sexually mature years earlier than the last generation did. This is why you're part of the fuzz and not a scientist. I hear jokes about police being stupid, but is it really this bad? Maybe I have the wrong idea with my plan to euthanize poor people. I should euthanize police officers too._

"Oh look, it's a shooting gallery." Konata said and wandered towards a cheap shooting game.

_I remember that one from last year. 600 yen to play and the stupid gun jammed on me. I wonder if we can borrow Narumi's glock 17 there and use that. I could shoot Tsukasa and say the gun misfired or something. Or I could shoot everyone but Konata, throw the gun in the creek and blame it on her. No… too many witnesses._

"Hey, Yui nee-san. I bet you're good at this stuff."

_I certainly hope not. The last thing we need are stupid police, nonetheless stupid police who can shoot. This list of people I need to euthanize when I develop my super virus is getting pretty out of hand. At the rate I'm going, there aren't going to be many people left for me to rule when I take over the world. No matter what happens, everyone in Indonesia gets to die. Along with the Czech Republic. It's like those two places exist only to anger me._

Yui chuckled and lowered her hands to her hips. She was still holding a snow cone and corndog. "Well I'm so good that all the guys back at the station call me sharpshooter Yui."

_Another reason that America may not be so fucking off the mark with their "Right To Bear Arms" nonsense. When society finally cracks, I wanna feel safe knowing I can legally own a SPAS-12. Isn't that gun illegal in the US though? If I remember right, they banned it for not being 'sporting' enough, even though the 'S' in 'SPAS' stands for sporting. Wow, you really fucked up there Benelli. _

"In three seconds I can shoot five rounds and blast a peace sign on the face of a paper target." She bragged.

_So we know you're not zombie bate. Unlike Tsukasa here, she's a walking buffet when zombies come. I have to say that zombies have it lucky, since they can eat all the otherwise inedible organs. That's the problem with humans, so little of us can actually be eaten. Only like 10% of the average persons body weight contains edible meat. Then you have to consider how much diseases people carry in them, and other hazardous chemicals. _

"Here, show us how awesome you are." Konata said and held up the cheapy plastic rifle.

"Uhwuh, that's a rifle, I have to use a rifle? I didn't know." Yui yelped and flinched back from it like it was live rattlesnake. Konata gave her a questioning look.

"I only ever use pistols." She whispered to Konata.

_Then use your glock 17 you stupid pig! Do I have to do your job for you?_

Yui took the rifle and held it up to her shoulder, it looked comically small on the adult woman. She tried several different poses as she tried to find a comfortable way to shoot from the tiny rifle. The best one was when she tried to use a corndog to steady her aim, then she ended up holding the corndog over her head.

_Okay never mind, I revoke your zombie ward status. They will quickly feast on your squishy innards. Why is everyone who isn't me so bad at everything?_

"What's with the goofy poses Narumi?" Another, more competent, officer barked at her. "You know you're still on the clock!" He grabbed her by the back of her shirt and dragged her off to the unknown. Narumi was screaming the whole way. "You're still on patrol, so _patrol_!"

_Oh heaven forbid someone steals a goldfish or 200 yen teddy bear. I should steal stuff just to make her look bad now. _

"Okay then…" Konata muttered and turned around and faced the shooting gallery again. She looked up the vendor and talked to him, "Hey mister, how does this work? If we hit a target can we pick one of those prizes?"

_What do you mean we? I'm not exerting any sort of effort on something that will fall apart on me before I go home. Especially since I don't get to use that glock. Maybe I could crack a skull with the butt of the rifle… no, it looks plastic._

"Anything you hit, you get." He told her. "It's all good."

_Nice system you have there. The buckshot destroys the prize beyond recognition, that makes up for the fact that it was shoddy to begin with. Well, they have to find a way to sell teddy bears made from rat fur and sawdust somehow._

"Anything?"

"Yep, anything you hit."

Konata placed her finger on her lips and looked around. With a quick draw she had it so the tiny rifle was aiming at the poor vendor.

"Whoa, lady I'm not the prize. Lower the gun and back away." He said with his hands up.

_If slavery worked that easily then I'd have people carrying me around every where. All I have is a housekeeper who shows up on the weekends, and I already know that woman gives crappy piggyback rides. Then again I probably should have warned her before leaping off the top banister of the stairs. Ah well, she made cool noise when I landed on her. KASPLAT! The amount of problems that could be seemingly solved with an elephant was growing higher and higher. If I had an elephant, it could carry me around and stop incompetent housekeepers._

We moved and continued browsing aimlessly through the festival, she sun was just disappearing beyond the horizon and I just _knew _Minami had started playing Half-Life 2 without me. I didn't blame her, I often times forget me too.

"At a festival you can't forget the shay dyes." Konata said as we continued our festive death march.

"It is hot, let's get some." Kagami agreed.

Konata walked over to a stand that had multiple flavors displayed in jars. "Okay here we are, I'm looking at all these flavors._. _They got strawberry…"

_Tastes like piss and cough medicine. _

"…lemon…"

_Tastes like piss and citrus. _

"…melon…"

_Tastes like broken dreams and piss. _

"…but wait, what the heck's a Blue Hawaii? What kind of flavor is that?"

_It's the manufacturers way of making a "tropical" flavor without just calling it "tropical punch". Luckily I can see through their evil marketing ploy. Take THAT Corporate Japan!_

"Well it's Blue Hawaii flavored I guess." Kagami suggested.

_Another example of your brilliant mind at work. Hey Kagami, Hawaii isn't a food and it doesn't come in a shade of blue. It's an island chain that belongs to America, and if you're born there then people question your legality when you run for president. I don't know why that Obama guy cared so much about people questioning about his birth certificate. It wasn't like showing them it would actually make them believe otherwise._

Konata nodded then turned to me. "What do you think Miyuki-san?"

_What's a Blue Hawaii? Uh, let me see…perhaps it's a song? Bluuee Hawaiiii, no that's not it…Bluuee…Wait didn't Lamb Of God do a song about Blue Hawaii?…no wait that's the song Laid To Rest, that song could totally be about Blue Hawaii though. _

_Opening guitar intro, then it goes dununuhhh, dununuhhh PINCH HARMONIC then the part where the guy talks all seriously comes up…_

"_If there was single Blue Hawaii I could drink. A single sip I could take…I'd trade all the others away."_

_Guitar part again with all the pinch harmonics then the guy starts screaming…_

"_THE BLUE HAWAII'S ON THE WALL SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST ADMIT IT…AND BLEACH OUT THE BLUE IN THE HAWAII, COMMIT TO FORGETTING IT!"_

"_You're better off without any Blue Hawaii. Than left with a single pathetic trace of that melon flavor…"_

_Cue part where the guy makes that metal clanging sound with drums. I don't know what he does but it sound awesome. Tinktink ta ta tink tink ta ta tink!_

"_Pour me another cocktail…"_

"_I NEED BLUE HAWAII!"_

"_CONTROL YOUR BLUE HAWAII, YOU'RE BETTER ALONE!"_

"_DRINK YOUR BLUE HAWAII, SEE WHO GIVES A FUCK!"_

"_ABSORB YOUR BLUE HAWAII, YOU'RE BETTER ALONE!"_

"_DRINK YOUR BLUE HAWAIIIIIIIIIIIII…"_

_*At that point I would start choking since I can't hit that pitch. But that doesn't matter since I can't sing metal._

_Now we move onto the next verse…_

"_I'LL MAKE YOU DRINK BLUE HAWAII FOR BLUE HAWAII WILL SET YOU FREE!"_

"_I'LL TURN THE SCREWS OF VENGEANCE AND BURY YOU IN BLUE HAWAII!"_

"_I'LL MAKE ALL YOUR BLUE HAWAII COME TO LIFE. THEN SLAY IT AS QUICKLY AS IT CAME!" _

_Awesome drum thing there again…_

"_POOR ME ANOTHER COCKTAIL…"_

"_I NEED BLUE HAWAII!"_

"_CONTROL YOUR BLUE HAWAII, YOU'RE BETTER ALONE!"_

"_DRINK YOUR BLUE HAWAII, SEE WHO GIVES A FUCK!"_

"_ABSORB YOUR BLUE HAWAII, YOU'RE BETTER ALONE!" _

"_DESTROY YOUR BLUE HAWAAIIIIIIIII!"_

"_SEE WHO GIVES A FFFFUCK" _

- _Repeat several times. Then move onto next part of song after guitar solo thingy…_

"_BLUE HAWAAIIIIIII!" _

_You have to scream that part until your gag reflex kicks in._

"_IF THERE WAS A BLUE HAWAII I COULD DRINK…IF THERE WAS A SINGLE SIP I COULD TAKE!"_

"_I'D TRADE ALL THE OTHERS AWAY….I'D TRADE ALL THE OTHERS…"_

"_AWWWAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" _

_Once again scream that part until you choke._

_Well…_

"I don't really know, sorry I didn't know the answer to that." I told her modestly. _Seriously, how did I get Laid To Rest out of Blue Hawaii. Whatever, when I get home I'm writing down those lyrics and making that into a song. Number 1 hit here I come. _

"I'll look it up when I get home okay?"

"Mmm, yeah sure." Konata said, she sounded distracted and was staring at Tsukasa who was fidgeting.

_At least you know that I'm not actually going to look that up. I'm Miyuki Takara not Miwiki Firefox._

I gave a unremarkable answer about how it was possible that it was named after a cannibalistic ritual where people were disemboweled.

_I remember when my neighbor from down the street got arrested after his hot tub disemboweled one of his relatives. That was good day, you could hear their screams from down the block. His intestines left his body like a snake leaving its hole._

"Uhh, I think I might know about that Blue Hawaii thing." Tsukasa said, the lack of self confidence was dripping from her voice.

_If you say something about balsamic vinegar then I'm going to take of my zori and hit you with it. Mines the one with the thick wooden heel too, I could probably dislocate your jaw with a swift stroke._

"Yeah, I heard somewhere that…" Tsukasa began,"…the name and the flavor from this blue colored cocktail. I also heard that it's called the Blue Hawaii 'cuz it's named after the movie Blue Hawaii."

"So that's where it comes from. That was a good reference." I said patronizing her. Tsukasa giggled like the child she was.

_Talking to her feels like talking to my little cousins. My mother insists on me being polite to them, why do I have to be polite to people who don't deserve it? Why can't I just carry around a shovel and decapitate rude people? Why is Konata staring at me, stop staring at me sweaty. See, I should decapitate her! Just SWING, and bam, no more head. At least Sakamoto beats up her sister's in my stead because she's awesome. How kids does Aunt Mai have? Six now? Whatever, Sakamoto and Satsuki are the only ones worth remembering._

"Oh, I just noticed that I only have a little bit of money left." Tsukasa said sadly after looking at her wallet.

_That couldn't be because you insisted on buying every last stupid key chain we passed. Of all the thing to collect._

"Tsukasa…" Kagami groaned in her naggy matriarchal voice. "…be careful, nothing is cheap around here. Think a little before you spend your money, I swear…"

_You swear to what and who? I really don't care actually, as long as you're not involving yourself in the cult worship of Haruhi like Konata. She behaves like that character is responsible for our existence, and if that's true then it means that Kyoto Animations is responsible for our existence. I am certainly not the product of some guys imagination in KyoAni. Scientology is almost as bad, with the religion Indonesian people worship. I don't know what it is, but it can't be anything good._

"Come on Kagami, it's a festival. You spend a lot of money here because you get caught up in the buy." Konata said to Tsukasa's defense.

_The only thing I bought here so far is a 1-leter of Dr. Pepper. I can trust that since it was created in a bottling plant somewhere, everything else here though? Well needless to say that the three of you are probably all going to die of food poisoning by the end of the week. Who knows where they get the meat for those kabobs! Probably from the local raccoons and pidgins. _

"Yeah I guess." Kagami shrugged.

"Same thing at Comiket." Konata added.

_No, nothing like that place. Here we don't have to worry about being trampled to death by hordes of frenzied otaku on their way to see the original voice cast of Sailor Moon. Seriously, one of my old friends had an uncle die that way. Sakamoto says she goes there and steals people doujinshi from one hall, then sells it for a jacked up price on the other. That's pretty hardcore, I don't think I could do that. Apparently the place is so crowded that security can't find her. She just finds an empty table or one that's been sold out and sets up shop there. She made like 80,000 yen from that one year._

"You think you're spending a lot of money on doujinshi but that's just the illusion of it. Then you're like _whoa I'm broke_. You get up early to get in line but the journey to east hall from the west hall is like a hike and a half."

_And many otaku perish on the journey and are eaten by their brethren. It is an endless cycle as old as Comiket itself. Natural selection in practice right there. Okay, Otaku are going on the LIST. Man, why can't people not be such a problem that I have to invent some super virus to get rid of them. I mean, I'M not Indonesian, and I'm doing a good job of not being one!_

"Cotton candy is so fluffy and sweet, I really love it." Tsukasa said after getting large thing of cotton candy.

_Since when is my name…Oh she actually means the food. Tsukasa you really need to clarify whether you're actually referring to the food or not. Because when you say "fluffy, sweet, and I love it" the first thing that people think of is me. Well, not really fluffy since I tend to go Brazilian, but that's not what people mean when they use that word._

"You're not a little kid anymore." Kagami giggled and stepped in front of Tsukasa. "Slow down or you'll get sick." With that she took a piece of cotton candy off of Tsukasa's nose and ate it.

_Okay I'll admit that was really cute. How come Minami never eats food off of my nose? Cherry does it! This was just another in a long line of examples as to why dogs were better than humans._

"I dunno, I never thought doing that with another girl was that much fun." Konata muttered.

"Don't go there." Kagami sighed.

"Would it be too much to ask for a little romance in our lives?" Konata moaned.

_With the way you behave? Yes it is too much. I, on the other hand, could get ANYONE I wanted at our school. It turns out, though, that I hate everybody and will gladly die alone. That wouldn't be the case if Cherry wasn't a dog…why do dogs have to die early? WHY? A better questions was why couldn't I find a man who wasn't just an obstacle in my life?_

Konata spun around and quickly changed her outlook, "We're at a festival wearing yukatas, if this were a dating sim chances are one of us would trigger a flag somewhere." _And stupidest thing said tonight award goes to…KONATA! Comparing real life to dating sims is like thinking Call of Duty accurately portrays the military. _

"Flag?" Tsukasa asked.

_It's those things we have to capture when its rainy during gym class. It's the only time I can elbow someone in the jaw without anyone giving it a second thought. I love capture the flag. I use all the stuff I learned in my old self-defense class against people when they come after me, which makes me an MVP in the game. I once tripped someone and broke their jaw. _

"There would also be an event scene, cuz we're outside. _Wearing yukatas!_" Konata continued.

_An event scene…as in sex? Konata, that sounds like the plot of a really bad doujin. Like, REALLY bad. Not that doujins have good plots to begin with. Except for Black Time, that thing is a piece of gold. _

"Whoa, okay horndog we got it." Kagami stepped in quickly put an end to Konata's spectacle.

_Probably not Tsukasa though. She has yet to learn the ways of the birds and the bees. I actually wouldn't be surprised if Tsukasa didn't know what sex was. Hmm, if I do follow up with my plans to kill her, I could probably lure her into sex and kill her then. Her guard would be down and… No, that's a fucking stupid idea. The amount of trace evidence the fluids from me would leave would have me incarcerated instantly. I would have to do a good job cleaning up the body before disposing of it if I really did do that. I'll ask Sakamoto for help. I wish she'd let me get in on her role-playing games though with her friends. It's not Dungeons and Dragons they play, but some other game…forget what it's called…_

We kept on walking in our never ending circle through this place, "Is there anything you want to play Kagami-san?" I asked.

_So you know, we can finally get out of here._

"Hmm…Now that you mention it, I'd kinda like to do some goldfish scooping." Kagami replied dreamily.

Turns out that Kagami failed pretty hard at gold fish scooping, either that or those were super goldfish. They swam away as soon as she even looked at them.

_There really isn't an end to the things these three can't do. Is there?_

"I haven't even tried anything and their running away!" She complained.

"Maybe because deep down in their fishy hearts they know you're totally vicious." Konata suggested. "The ugly truth has been revealed at last. Mhm."

"Oh look, there's one. You see it?" Tsukasa said and pointed to one lone goldfish in the center of the pond.

"Oh yeah, I see him!" Kagami replied and readied her net. "Okay…

"_Gotta catch 'em all!_" She yelled and scooped the poor fishy up.

_Judging by Kagami's responsibility when it comes to housework and chores… I'd say that thing will be dead before the week is over. I could drop by, snatch it up and feed it to Cherry if I don't eat it myself._

"Right! I got one, I got one, yeah!" She cheered.

_Settle down Beavis, that game was made for kids in primary school. If you want a real challenge try catching wild dogs and bring those home as pets. Minami and I almost got one, but as soon as you let go of that thing it just bolts down the road instantly. It's a fun game, but nobody really wins. It's a good thing I got my rabies shot when I was young though, because I've been bit so many times now._

"Yay sis!" Tsukasa cheered too.

Kagami closed her eyes and held the fish bag close to her.

_Thinking of good ways to cook it? Well you're going to need to catch quite a few more to make a full meal. Especially for you._

We were on our way out, _FINALLY_, when one last surprise came our way.

"Hey, I knew I'd see you guys!" Our teacher, Nanako Kuroi, said and walked up to us. "I heard there was a festival thing going on around here. So I'd thought I'd swing by and check it out y'know?

_You had free time and you came here on your own free will? Are you masochistic or just stupid? _

"…I really love festivals."

_Okay so just stupid. Another one gets added to the LIST. The list of people I'm going to eat in the event of a societal collapse. Not that other list of people I'll kill with viruses. _

"So…did you come here with your boyfriend or something?" Konata asked.

_How does she have a boyfriend? Does he like having to take care of an oversized toddler? Maybe it's Konata's dad since he seems to be thrilled to have to take care of an oversized toddler of his own. So why not add one more to the mix since the old one died? That is not a man I want to meet._

Kuroi burst into laughter. "Of course not, I don't have a boyfriend!"

_I could have figured that out on my- Fuck shit jesus fuck is that smell coming from her? Fucking shit fuck it's like she rolled around in the collective pool of a dozen other people's sweat. I didn't think body odor COULD smell that bad. Do the other three smell it too? Or are they just being polite and not saying anything. My eyes are watering she smells so bad. _

Behind her Narumi walked up to us. "Well, well, we meet again."

_That's it isn't it? We're trapped in this hellish festival forever… No no no, is that the Tea Ceremony Club over there? They're carrying armfuls of stuff from that shooting game? How much money did they spend to get all that much? Not to mention how many good shots that they would have had to make. Normal people don't do that, it's weird! _

"Looks like you're having fun with a new friend."

_Talking about Kuroi huh? There's like four things wrong with that statement. One- We're not having fun. Two. She isn't new. Three. She's not my friend, Miyuki doesn't have friends (Aside from Minami and Cherry). Other people just water down the experience. Four. We're not having fun with a friend. I don't think I've had fun with a single person in my entire life. Being around Sakamoto is scary because she always swings this butterfly knife around._

"Howdy." Kuroi said to her with a bow. In return Narumi stared her down intently with a determined look on her face.

"Wow, this girl looks like she hit puberty super early." She said after a moment of examination.

_How can you tell that from looking at her, she's like 27. _

"Girl?" Kuroi gasped.

"Nope, wrong. She's our teacher." Konata corrected.

_Way to be a lulz killer Konata. That had some serious potential. We could have been allowed to take her patrol card for a spin even. _

"I'm so sorry, I totally jumped to conclusions and thought you were there classmate." Yui admitted all embarrassedly.

_Great now it's all awkward, way to go Konata. Not to mention we now have no hope of shooting Tsukasa. It's like she's going out of her way to ruin my night._

"Nah, it's okay."

"This is my cousin Yui nee-san. She's a cop, but I guess you figured that out." Konata said and introduced her.

"Yeah, and because today's the summer festival they have me on duty, pounding the pavement out here." Yui told her. "Can you believe they make us work in heat like this? Are you working today too? Like making sure your students don't cause any trouble?"

_No, that's supposed to be your job. And you're not doing a good job because I have a dozen little jade statuettes that I stole stuffed into my yukata. I heard stealing those is supposed to curse your family with bad luck or something, but hey what the heck? After Mother spoiling my chance of making it into university three years early, I really don't care any more. I just don't._

"Nah, I was bored so I'm just wandering around." Kuroi told her.

"Oh, I'm so jealous! If I were off duty, I'd be wandering around and having fun too." Yui said enviously.

_Fun? Here? I think we're thinking of two very different places. I'm sure HELL is more fun then this._

"So are you on your own today?" Kuroi asked after a second of making strange faces at her.

"Yeah, just me, myself, and me."

_You lair, that's three people! Oh wait…That phrase always messes me up._

"That makes two of us." Kuroi replied flirtatiously.

_I thought Konata said her cousin was married last month? Who knows, maybe she's a polygamist who swings both ways. I can respect that. Sakamoto does that a lot with her boyfriends, then makes them cry when they confront her by yelling and waving her knife around. I couldn't do that, she's hardcore._

"Huh?" They both bursted into random laughter and we took that chance to finally slip away out of one of the most boring nights of my life.

Nothing else happened because I'm a random teenager who never did anything of consequence…yet.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	5. Just Because You're Paranoid

**MIYUKI THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE**

**CHAPTER 5**

**JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE PARANOID**

**Part 5 of 25**

"Summer time beach time!" Konata announced as if we didn't know where we were going. Let me clarify, I somehow managed to get dragged along by her and the Hiiragi twins to the beach. It hasn't been establish yet, but I hate the beach. I hate the sand that burns the bottom of my tender, tender feet. I hate the salty water that burns my eyes, I hate the people who gawk and stare at me too. I don't think there is a single reason for to like the beach, it isn't even pretty. Not to mention that people can't handle seeing me in a two piece swim suit. Sakamoto had made that very clear with all her flat chested jealousy.

"Before we leave ma'am…" Konata began saying to Kuroi. She and Konata's cousin, Narumi, were the ones taking us to the beach. "…I want to make sure that you and my cousin are okay with driving and supervising us."

_Supervising? It's the beach, we're not going to die. Well, maybe Tsukasa, but she risks dying everywhere else just as much. I'm actually kind of surprised she's even lasted this long in a world full of freak technological accidents and sexual predators. Our school has had like 40 students die in its whole 15 year history from accidents. _

"That's interesting, you guys must have a lot of time on your hands." Konata mused out loud. Kuroi and Narumi both shot her an angry look.

_How was that in anyway offensive? Well I'm not a good standard for empathy like that, especially since I'm pretty hard to antagonize I believe. I don't think anything can upset me._

We climbed into each of the cars. By some strange divine alignment I ended up with Kuroi and Konata.

_No, how about I trade places with Tsukasa. I can handle Kagami and Narumi since they might have something interesting to talk about. I could ask the latter if she ever shot and killed anyone in her line of work. I bet she has, because I know she shot herself in the foot during a traffic stop. The guy took off running because he thought she was shooting at him, and she charged him for 'resisting arrest'. That's pretty hardcore, like something Sakamoto would do. She talked about being a police officer once, but she also wanted to join the American special forces too. Anything that gave her a gun and an excuse to kill people. I was beginning to think my cousin may have been a bit mentally unsound._

"…She goes nuts when she's behind the wheel, she's out of control." Konata explained to us about Officer Narumi.

_That raises the risk of me dieing in some horrible car wreck or everyone dieing around me. I doubt I could survive a wreck, knowing my luck I'd go the way of Cliff Burton, and they'd drop the car right back on me after listening to it. That would suck because this high school would be a lot less cool without me, just like how Metallica was a lot less cool without Cliff. No, I think Cliffy was just the tip of the iceberg with Metallica's problems. When you're a metal band, and pop stars cover your songs, I think that's a clue that it's time to stop. Not the other way around though, because metal covers of pop songs are almost always better. I should do a cover of the Nyan Cat song with the NO IT'S STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN!_

"And we just sacrificed Tsukasa and Kagami to her."

_. NO GET OUT OF MY HEAD!_

"Oh come on now, she's a police officer right?" Kuroi replied.

_Notice how Narumi just drove off down the road at 60km over the speed limit? Okay, so the Hiiragi twins are going to die in horrible flaming accident. Maybe this trip won't be so bad after all. I wonder if I could collect their skulls from the wreckage, polish them, and them to my collection. I'll give Sakamoto Tsukasa's. _

"Hey that's weird, they were there a second ago!"

"No sensei you're going down the wrong street, it says one way!" Konata shouted and leaned forward next to her.

_Now we get to play every ones favorite game- "Dodge oncoming traffic"! Why did I come along again? I knew I would die with something giant and metal coming at me at full speed, but this early in life? Okay, if I just open the door here, I can roll out onto the road and possibly not get splattered by oncoming traffic. The road burn will skin my arms, but that's better than dying._

We ended up getting stuck in a back ally way and ended up running over a cat. On her way out of that ally, Kuroi ended up driving through the field of a primary school and just managed to avoid running a group of kids over.

_So driving with Narumi or Kuroi was really making a choice. Drive with Narumi- Kill yourself. Drive with Kuroi- Kill everyone around you and end up in prison for life. Wait, do they incarcerate the passengers of felons during a police chase? I need to know this if Kuroi does actually run someone over. _

We ended up parked up in a mountain as Kuroi desperately tried to make sense of the road map. I had the feeling she was holding it upside down or something, she was driving the wrong way the whole time.

"Nanako-san, you're a good driver." Konata complimented.

_A good driver with a terrible sense of direction. So now we're going to drive around in these mountains until dark and end up at some creepy inn. I'm probably going to take my chances and just walk home, it's only like a four day hike back it looks like. As long as some horrible mountain spirit doesn't show up demanding me to exchange my soul or something, I should be fine. It's not like I couldn't offer up Konata's soul in place of mine. I'll pretend we're best friends, so the demon will think I'm hardcore for betraying her. _

"A really good driver…" Konata continued

"Huh, ya think?" Kuroi replied and looked up from her road map.

"It's funny, I always get motion sickness when riding in cars." Konata told her. "Today I brought along some medicine that would keep me from getting sick…but you see Nanako-san? You're such a skilled driver that I didn't get sick at all!"

_Come on Kuroi, a little disregard for Konata's safety is alright! I have no regard for her safety and look where it's gotten me! Maybe we can convince her to overdose on her medicine and it'll burn a hole in her stomach or something. _

"Huh?" Kuroi glared at her. "What am I doing talking to you! We gotta get outta here!"

We eventually made it to the beach, just after the sun was going down though. The fading sun reflected off the water and caused it to cast off an eerie orange glow against the horizon.

_Oh too bad, now let's turn around and go home. That or play a rousing game of Pickle-Ball, I bring my Pickle-Ball gear with me everywhere I go. Too bad no one ever wants to play with me, I'd like to think it's because I'm too good, but we all really know it's because Pickle-Ball is a stupid sport to begin with. _

"Okay…" Narumi muttered to herself.

_Shut up, this is your fault. Do us all a favor and go drown yourself over there in the water. Now. This is why I need to be able to control peoples minds. And it can't be half assed, like one person at a time and only while making eye contact, I would want to be able to control entire cities with my mind. Or be able to blow people up with guitar solos. Either one would solve most of my problems._

"I guess we should go and find a hotel." Kuroi suggested.

_Make sure it's AT LEAST three stars. Anything lower than that gives us the risk of toilet AIDs, which is one of my deepest and darkest fears. Oh yeah, people with AIDs are on the LIST. The virus one, because eating them would give me the disease. I shouldn't have to actually make that clear, but still. Actually, no, since only poor people have AIDs I don't have to worry about it. Okay then entirety of Africa is on the LIST. And before anyone calls me racist, this includes all the rich white people in South Africa. Your accents may be cool, but sorry, you're included in my mass euthanization of all the problem people in the world._

We spent the night a cheapy two star place that was pretty old fashioned. Luckily I wore my swimsuit under my normal clothes so I didn't have to change in front of any of them.

_Mainly Konata, rape seems like a legitimate threat around her. Especially since it has yet to be confirmed what her gender is. Girrrllll? Can't say for sure really, probably just a very effeminate man. Yeah, come to think of it, it's never actually been clearly established by her if she's a woman or not. I know that's something I should have picked up on by now, but… I really can't tell. Good thing I keep around my home made stun gun. My old friend Tsumugi had a real stun gun that her mother insisted she keep on her, and the thing went off in class once. That was a good day…_

"Wow!" Tsukasa gasped after looking out the window of our hotel. "It's so sunny outside, it's perfect for swimming."

"I swear, yesterday I didn't think we'd ever get here alive." Kagami replied.

_Wait, they had problems too? Knowing Narumi, she probably accidentally brought her service pistol in her tote bag and the thing misfired and shot the driver of a passing car. The guy would have either died on the spot or swerved into other cars and cause this massive 14 car pile up with at least five people dead; children included. Man, this Narumi girl is actually pretty awesome._

"I'm going to put my swimsuit on and wear it down to the beach!" Konata cried from another room.

_Do I even want to know what she plans to wear? Probably a strip of duct tape or something, that seems about her style. Actually, that would be kind of bad ass. I think Sakamoto did that, no wait, she made an entire outfit out duct tape. I couldn't do that._

"Sometimes you can be so childish Konata…" Kagami muttered, she turned around and looked at Konata standing in the door. Then she screamed, not just like a surprised yelp, but an honest _Help I'm being stabbed in the neck repeatedly _kind of scream.

_Wow, I think that broke 135 decibels. Congratulations Kagami, you can officially scream louder than a pig. I wish I could scream that loud, because I could break eardrums that way. It would be a good ambush strategy. Just scream and deafen them. _

"Hey aren't you a little old to be wearing your school swimsuit in public?" She asked nervously, I turned and saw that Konata was wearing a tiny navy blue one-piece bathing suit.

_Wow I thought I was cheap by stealing batteries from Minami's house to power my own stuff, but keeping your swimsuit for five years? Konata, that's why the global market is suffering. See, consumerism is good for the economy (except if you're America and you literally outsource every last possible manufactured good you can), and here Konata is destroying the value of our currency. We're pretty well off in an economic sense as a country, but that doesn't mean that a lack of mass consumerism could ruin it now._

"Not if you're catering to special interests, Kagamin." Konata replied with her head raised high.

_Special needs? Ohhhh, she means pedophiles. Now I hear that argument from rapists saying, "Well, if she's dressed like that, she's totally asking for it". I kind of understand what they mean when Konata says stuff like that. If she actually finds a guy willing to sleep with her, this hotel room is going to get really awkward tonight. I'd just walk home then. Wait, what am I talking about? I could hotwire Kuroi's car and ditch near some train station then ride that home._

We hiked down to the beach and the rest of us changed into our swimwear. Kagami went with a red one-piece suit and had her hair up, Tsukasa had a striped one-piece one also. I went with a simple white and blue stripped two piece.

_So, when Tsukasa's sleeping tonight I could easily steal that suit. I could wear it when I'm in Minami's Finnish Sauna. That thing is awesome by any standard. I don't know why she insists we hold those silly little bush things though. Wait, is Minami Finnish? Like, I know this is something I should know but…Iwasaki doesn't sound Finnish at all. If her name was Finnish it would be something with the letter 'J', but you would pronounce it like a "y". Western languages confuse me._

"…but why are you wearing a swim ring when you're good at sports stuff?" Kagami asked as we were walking down the beach.

_It's because she KNOWS Kagami, she knows…It's a Anti-Miyuki defense, I was having another dream where I strangle her with barbed wire and I tend to talk in my sleep. If she thinks that an inner tube can stop me, she's dead wrong. _

"The ocean doesn't exist solely for wasting effort on swimming. You should take it leisurely." Konata replied.

_Strangely wise words. Instead of coming here and taken it leisurely, we should have just stayed home and saved the trip. Yeah, I should just drive home tonight in Kuroi's car. I could probably go off roading with it too, and I know Sakamoto knows some good places. I'll call her up and see if she wants to take this thing for a spin with me. I hope she's not in jail again._

"Leisure time." She said once more to emphasize her point. "Plus to meet those special needs you have to wear a swimsuit with a swim ring."

_People with special needs = Pedophiles. Earth to Konata, those people don't want to date you for your personality. They want to do unspeakable things to you in their basements. I wish I had a basement._

"People with _special _needs won't be coming to the beach." Kagami told her. _Because their mothers can't make them ramen and wipe their asses outside of their homes. The only cool thing those otaku have ever done was that bug death matches that got posted online. I really thought the camel spider would do a lot better though…I wonder if I could do that same thing, but with people. No, real life doesn't work the way it does in movies. I couldn't convince two random people to fight in an arena, then move onto the next round to fight more people. The Roman's did it and it worked out fine for them, so I don't see why I can't. Those Roman's had a lot going for them, but of course those religious guys have to ruin everything._

Konata peered around the beach like she was searching for something.

_Knowing her, she's probably looking for someone to "trigger a flag with". Pretty soon one thing will lead to another and Tsukasa and Kagami will both pick some guys up and then I'll be a seventh wheel. Plus it's really difficult to read at night with a sixway going on right next you. I know this from experience. _

"Watermelon crackin' is the usual event in manga and anime, but it doesn't happen much in reality." She noted.

_Cracking watermelon? I cannot, for the life of me, fathom why anyone would want to do that. That is neither fun nor recreational. Maybe if you had a shotgun, but the buckshot would ruin it._

"I've seen it before…" Kagami replied,"…but people probably feel like it's a waste."

"That's true." Konata agreed. "Plus if you shoot a watermelon with a gun you'll end up covered in watermelon."

_It's hard to find people with guns nowadays, since our gun control laws are so strict. I have that .357 at home, but that thing only has like 12 shots to it. That's only 12 problems I can deal with right there. Now if I had something like, oh…say… an MP5, I could deal with 50 problems a clip. Submachine guns take clips right? I don't know. Those things have surprisingly little kick though, and I was able to get a few headshots with it on that firing range. _

"You watch too much anime." Kagami scolded.

"Have you ever played it before, Miyuki-san? Since you're rich." Konata turned and asked me.

_You're asking me if I've ever shot a watermelon just for the hell of it? I don't know Konata, do you collect ferret tails? Where do people come up with these stereotypes anyway? Man, if I were in university, I could have probably developed that super virus by now. Then I could deal with millions of problems with the push of a button. It's all part of my 12 step plan to rule the world._

"I haven't." Was my reply.

"Well, on a second thought it doesn't seem like something a rich person would do." Konata decided.

_You wouldn't know, you're family has to eat precooked eel. We have our PERSONAL chef cook live eel for us. Too bad that guy quit after I kept demanding him to remake my meals because they weren't up to standards I made up on the spot. Why are people so whiny these days? _

"You have a point." Kagami said from behind Konata. Konata reeled around then stared up at me with her stupid little grin.

_I swear to Cthulu if she bites me then I'll rip out her intestines from her belly button. I have witnesses, she bit me first. I'll probably get parole for killing her, but that's it. I've survived parole before, I can do it again._

Instead she squeaked then took my glasses.

_No, bad Konata! You're smudging the lenses! You have ten seconds before I take them back then use them to gouge out both your eyes. _

"It was obvious…" She declared.

_Ten…_ "…but I guess you eyes don't end up like in manga."

…_Seven…_

"I'm sorry to disappoint you." I replied.

…_Two…_

Unfortunately she gave me back the glasses. I would have actually killed her.

_No, she smudged the lenses!_

After a little while of senseless wandering I decided to just relax and lay down under the sun. The other three went into the water and were leisurely floating together, all using Konata's swimring to stay afloat. I wondered if I could swim up underneath them, pull Tsukasa under, then drown her all in one breath of air.

_They're talking about me, I know it._

Kagami said something than pointed at Konata.

_"Man, did Miyuki look soooo stupid without her glasses. Isn't it funny how she thinks we're friends with her when all we do is talk behind her back?"_

_Oh, so THAT'S how it is? Just pretending to be nice eh Kagami? I didn't think you'd stoop so low, come on who does that! I know they're up to something, I just know it… Wait… is that… IT IS. The Tea Ceremony Club is over there drinking tea on a picnic blanket in their kimonos. It's one of the hottest days this year and they're dressed like that? Who drinks tea at the beach anyway? That's not normal! Normal people don't do that! That's weird!_

After a little more spying, we regrouped and decided to go out to eat at a nearby restaurant.

We all noticed that Tsukasa was squirming left and right on her seat as we were waiting for our food to arrive.

"Wazzup?" Konata asked and leaned forward to see why Tsukasa was squirming.

"Well…It feels kind of icky to sit down when I'm still wet." Tsukasa answered.

_A good thing I didn't go in the water. All of you maggots can squirm while the great Miyuki sits upon her dry throne! This place smells like wet dog, but at least Kuroi put on deodorant this time._

"I understand how you feel." I lied.

"Then you can use an air chair." Konata suggested.

_Then she would slide right off. On second though, yes, let's do that. Tsukasa breaking her head open on the ground is A-OK in my book. Wait, isn't that what pregnant women sit on? Is Tsukasa pregnant? I'd like to see Tsukasa pregnant, and other such stories._

"You're pretty extreme." Kagami retorted.

I noticed Konata had been spending the last several minutes staring up at the menu on the wall, Kagami noticed this too so she asked, "What is it?"

"My neck is tired."

_I wonder if that's how turkeys feel when they stare at the sky for too long. I wonder if Konata would taste better than a turkey… No, she hardly has any meat on her to even eat. I should probably stop thinking about eating people, because knowing me, I'll actually make a comment about it aloud and the people will think I'm insane. I talked to Sakaki about it before, and she was surprisingly okay about it. I swear there's more in her mind going on than she lets on. We both agreed that eating Tsumugi would be a good idea in the event of a societal collapse._

"Really now?"

We were served our food which was…subpar at best.

"Just as expected!" Konata yelled.

_Food that will give us ringworms?_

"What are you so happy about?" Kagami asked.

_Ringworms._

"Because I got something straight out of a storybook beach house. Look how the curry is sauce and nothing else. This is true beach house fare!"

_And that is exactly why I don't ever eat at these horrible, horrible places. I should get my stomach pump when I get home after eating this. When I get into university, I should become a med student too. That way I can get a dialysis machine in my dorm and get piss drunk every night. I could wire it to my arm before I go to class and flush the alcohol out of my body and never be hung over. _

"That's true." Tsukasa agreed. _Sellout. _"Usually; you wouldn't be willing to eat stuff like this, but here it actually tastes good!"

_No it's just as awful as anywhere else. It's about as great as Kagami's cooking, maybe a bit better though. Seriously, Kagami's cooking is so bad it makes m really wonder just what she does. I think she just reads what ingredients she needs, then tries to make something with them without following the recipe or measurements._

"The beer they got at the beach is the best!" Kuroi screamed from the far side of the table.

_A pint of bourbon with homemade lemonade would like to disagree with you. _"Generic beer isn't too bad every once in awhile."

_Yes it is, see this is why you are doomed to die a virgin Kuroi. You were probably the girl in university that NO ONE wanted to touch…because you drank generic beer. I remember her talking on the way here about her old roommate. Some metalfag who got drunk and broke her stuff a lot. That's pretty cool, I guess. That's the kind of roommate I'd be. In most universities, the people complaining about ME would get moved to another dorm, so I could just keep harassing people until I got the place to myself. See, I have enough money that they couldn't possibly expel me, especially with my grades._

"I find it odd that they're charging 300 yen for a single frankfurter." Yui remarked. _What's wrong don't have enough money? I wouldn't know what that's like! Poor people, always complaining. That's another group that's getting added to the LIST. People who complain too much. Well, there goes Canada it looks like._

"Yeah! Maybe they're only half cooked, but we'll eat it anyways." Konata suggested.

_Food poisoning AND ringworms. We just eat at the best places don't we? Christ, only one half of these noodles are cooked._

"I actually like how their chicken is dripping with grease and over spiced." Tsukasa announced.

_It makes up for the lack of mayonnaise doesn't it? Knowing what you do with mayonnaise, I'm deathly afraid of what you'll do to that chicken. I think the Beatles summed it up in their song "I Am The Walrus" at the end where the chorus in the background sings "Oompa oompa, stick it up your jumpa." The Beatles were pretty cool, and I liked their policy for making music. Go to India, do all the drugs they could find and just record them playing their instruments while they were sailing with angels. Time for Miwiki Firefox to add to this conversation. _

I held up my bowl of noodles for all to see.

_Please someone takes this, I do not want it. _

"The plain fried noodles also seem to be much more delicious here."

_Yes so please take it, the smell is making me gag._

"Hey." Kagami said sternly, the lively conversation that went on between everyone instantly came to a standstill. "Does the food here really deserve all the hype?" _It does not, notice how you're the only one eating too. Everyone else is talking because they don't want to eat! Your fatness is making your brain not work correctly. Why is everyone who isn't me so bad at basic inference and deductive reasoning?_

"Uh-huh, but it's not as cool as runnin' down the beach in a loincloth!" Konata replied.

_What was that I don't even_

"That supposed to be another anime reference?" Kagami sneered.

_No, loincloths just beat normal clothes any day. Think about it, what's more comfortable. Being in your neighbors Finnish Sauna with all your clothes on? Or being in one with nothing but a loincloth made from the hide of neighborhood cats. Don't ask how I know. Didn't Takotsuboya have Yoshika and Mio wear loincloths in Witches No Pantsu? Man, that guy writes doujins like a boss. It takes some serious brass to write a doujin where someone gets their hymen broken with a block of wood. That's pretty metal too, but at least it's a cool way to lose your virginity. I should lose mine in a cool way too, instead of normal romance… but how?_

After spending the rest of the day doing unremarkable beach things, we eventually walked back to the cars and I was eagerly anticipating my return home.

"Ugh, I'm so hammered." Kuroi moaned. "Looks like we're spending another night here."

_No, no, NO! This means we'll all have to go to a bathhouse…Which means I'll be naked…around Konata…and I don't have my anti-rape stun gun with me. I have my makeshift camera-taser, but I don't remember where I put it._

"Is that okay Yui nee-san?" Konata asked, I could hear the lustful longing for me in her voice.

_Aww, I don't want to be touched by Konata in my nether areas…Okay, don't panic. I can always kill her._

"I had another day of vacation, it's cool, I'm fine." Yui told her.

_So after every thing I do for you people, you just go and send me out to the wolves! Or THE wolf, should I say. _

We gathered in a bathhouse that was sadly devoid of other people_. _I heard the sound of water rushing from a showerhead than Kuroi screaming.

_It wouldn't be so much to hope for sulfuric acid right?_

_Wrong. _

"The water's really cold…" Kuroi shivered.

_I believe you, not because of your word but more so from the pointy parts of your bathing suit at chest level. That's pretty indecent. _

Konata put down her swimring and walked over to the other showerhead. "Oh come on man, it can't be that cold. You're just exagura- Aeeighh!" Her last word was cut off as freezing water bombarded down upon her.

It wasn't before long that we were all stripped down to the nude, I tried to try and hide my fear but I could tell it was showing. I mentally recited where all the pressure points on the human body were, then I tried to remember were the best parts to rip some ones organs out were.

We lined up in a row of four and washed our hair, luckily Konata and I were on the far sides so she would have to go through Kagami to get to me. I think Kagami would defend me if need be, or act as human shield.

I heard her muttering, "Scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub…"

What I really knew she was saying was, "Rape, rape, rape, rape, rape, rape, rape." I knew to be on my guard.

"Why is your hair all squeaky after you've been in the ocean?" Tsukasa asked to no one in particular.

_Is this the kind of stuff you end up wondering? Look, there's stuff I don't know simply because it isn't worth knowing. How much does the printing of DVD covers cost? I don't know because I don't care. The point is, I don't care and neither should you. Who cares if you hair does that?_

"Dunno…" Kagami shrugged, "Maybe it as to do with the salt or something, right Miyuki?"

_No, no, no. That's not what causes it, not JUST that at least._

As I was going to reply, I heard Konata change her chant. "Wash, wash, wash, wash, wash, wash, wash…"

Which really meant, "Sex with Miyuki, sex with Miyuki, sex with Miyuki, sex with Miyuki."

_I wish I had said goodbye to my mother more properly…*Sniff* I'm going to die. Well at least I do know for a fact now that she IS indeed a girl. Well, not die, but be…something? I don't know, the chance of her actually being able to harm me in any way are so astronomically low with my background and experience._

"That's right." I replied, _partially_, "The main reason would be salt content and UV rays."

Konata turned towards us, I nearly screamed and jumped backwards. "What's so bad about it? Isn't your hair always getting hit with UV rays?"

"Well…" I began.

_Don't take your eyes off of her, watch for any sudden lunge like movements. _

"It'll take a little while to explain that." The three of them nodded in unison.

"In that case…" I said and coughed into my hand.

_Oh no! Konata's staring me down, she's staring directly at my boobs! It's a good thing I have my legs together or her insane lust would over power her. She's just buying time before she strikes, I just know it. _

"The reason your hair is damaged by a trip to the beach would be the adhesion of salt from sea water and the sea breeze…"

_Despite how I'm nearly blinded by fear, I can't help but feel superior with my elaborate response. _

"…Which absorbs moisture from your hair which now suffers from exposure to strong UV rays."

I side stepped so I was in the center of the room, I wanted to make sure that Konata didn't have any way to blindside me. "Also, whenever you are exposed to strong UV rays outdoors you melanin levels will fade and your hair will become light brown. And if residual quantities of salt or chlorine remain in your hair, they may result in the discoloration of your hair. The usual reason for hair damage in summer would be UV rays and residual substances. The above factors cause damage to the cuticles. When exposed to strong UV rays the cysteine molecules found in strong hair are broken up-"

"Look, look!" Konata yelled and interrupted me.

_Don't fucking interrupt me during my tangent! Guess what Konata. You're on the LIST. The eating one, not the virus one. Or wait, no, both. There._

"Timotei…Timotei…Timoteeiii." Konata chanted and stroked her hair.

_The shampoo commercial? Is Konata being paid to advertise to us? That's weird! Or maybe it's a distraction to keep me off guard, like a feint. I'm not falling for it, or her advertising scam!_

"What's that?" Kagami peered over asked.

_Someone doesn't watch TV._

Konata gave me a lusty stare and moved on to the two adults who were just relaxing in the bath itself.

"Nee-san, nee-san!" Konata cried and jumped over to them. She repeated the Timotei ritual again.

_This funhouse of horrors just doesn't end does it? Is she trying to be funny or something? I don't know anything anymore._

"I remember that, I used to do that!" Narumi shouted and jumped up.

_Reenact commercials when your naked? That's…odd… _

"Yes! That's the response I wanted!" Konata cheered.

"How old are you?" Kuroi groaned.

I ignored them and went to shower myself off. No sense in drowning yourself while not looking your best right?

"Mandom." Konata said from behind me. She was in the bath, scoping me out with Kagami at her side.

_Traitors, every last one of them. This is why you're on the list and Minami is NOT._

"Cut the old geezer jokes." Kagami scolded.

_Oh come on Kagami, 70's references aren't THAT old. It is kind of impressive how much she remembers from that time. Wait, Konata's like what, 12 right? How could she even know about those old commercials? Did her dad tape a lot of stuff from back then? I guess that makes sense. I got the taped concert video from that Children of Bodom show I saw in Tokyo when I was like nine years old with Daddy. Mother was upset because she didn't like the idea of me going to a metal show, but it was totally worth it in the long run._

"What's wrong Kona-chan?" Tsukasa asked, from the reflection in the water I could see Konata in her rape-lunge pose.

"I just triggered a flag." She replied.

_Which means she's going to attack at any second. It's okay though, if I can knock her out with the shower head then I could get away before the rest of them jump me. Kuroi and Narumi are rogue factors, and I don't know how much melee training the officer has. If I can get to her tote bag and grab her service pistol…wait, did she actually bring it or did I make that up? I can't remember now, but it's better than trying to rough it with my fists. I'm all soapy so they can't hold me down either. Yeah, yeah, I can survive this._

"What are you talking about?" Kagami asked.

_Do you not see her staring me down?_

"This is where the event starts."

_Bring it on you little bitch. I hope you like necrophilia, because it's the only way you're getting your little hands one me! _

"In order to see both paths don't forget to save often before a split, no exceptions." _She saved her game too? Great now in some parallel dimension some other Miyuki is going to get it. Sorry parallel dimension Miyuki, but you gotta take one for the team. Except if you're the one who actually lives through this… Then I have to call you a selfish whore. Wow, I can't even trust myself anymore._

Konata stood up and walked…strangely…at me. I readied the shower head to defend myself.

"Picture complete." Was all she did, Konata then hobbled backwards then jumped into the water. "Perfect, bring it on!"

_What…_

"No idea what's going on." Kagami muttered "You being like this is why…"

_How do you think I feel Kagami? At least you're not the target here._

"Why?" Konata finished.

"Why nobody came to hit on us." Kagami explained. Konata apparently made a face or some sort of gesture because Kagami reacted strongly. "Y-you're the one who brought it up in the first place! I could really care less about that stuff."

"Ahh, so Kagami wanted someone to hit on her." Konata cooed.

_Am I the only one with a shred of human decency here? You three just can't stop surprising me with the nonsense you come up with. I get why you don't have any friends outside of each other. Even the Tea Ceremony Cultists have friends, and they're weird!_

I noticed that this was my chance to slip away, I stood up and instantly felt me feet slip from under me. I screamed as I fell into what was surely going to be the arms of a lust filled Konata. Instead I just hit the hard tile floor hard enough to make me see stars.

_Oww. Fuck. Damn. Fuck. Fuck. Fuckin fuck fuckering fuck that hurt. Ow. Is that blood I taste? Christ, I think I cracked a tooth from that. Why are my ears ringing?_

"Phooey, I missed it!" Konata cried from the bath. I felt the back of my head, a bruise had formed and it was tender to the touch. I also saw blood on my hand, and at my feet was a bar of soap with a foot print in it.

_So Konata's whole plan was to give me a concussion out of…what? Spite? Is this some kind of fucking prank? Forgive my excessive English swearing but I'm a little upset here! This isn't even like me throwing bricks through windows, because at least those people did something to deserve it first. Okay, tomorrow I'm filing a police report for assault with a deadly weapon. No, that would be the easy way out. I could just kill her in her sleep. Sneak in and smother her with a pillow. I'd have to wear a hairnet not to leave any incriminating pink hairs or other trace evidence. Wait, Sakamoto has some Molotov cocktails that have homebrew napalm mixed in. She calls them, "Day Ruiners". I could get a few of those and torch her house. No way I would be a suspect. In fact, I could get some soil from Tsukasa's house and sprinkle it to tamper with evidence. That would throw off the investigators a bit._

**TO BE CONTINUED**_  
_


	6. What A Horrible Night To Have A Konata

**MIYUKI, THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE**

**CHAPTER 6**

**WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A KONATA**

**Part 5 of 24 continued…**

I learned something that night, drowning yourself isn't as cool as the movies make it out to be. First off it's boring, I mean you just sit there with your head under water. Two, unless you're unconscious there's no real way for you to do it without forcing yourself up for air. Natural self-preservation sucks. This is pretty much what I do when I get bored, come up with ways to kill myself. I should probably stop though, on the off chance I do actually go through with it on accident. Maybe that's how Narumi shot herself in the foot, trying to show off to her colleagues. No, it was a traffic stop so...I don't know.

Like an alligator, I lurked towards the corner of the bath and waited for any sign of Konata. I saw her ahoge poking out of the water right behind Kagami and Tsukasa; they were on the far side of the bath. Kagami was staring Tsukasa down and had a look on her face that I recognized from Konata. It was that look that Konata gave me when she saw me naked. _That _look.

_Looks like I'm not the only one in danger. Looks like Kagami there is staring Tsukasa down like Konata was doing to me. Huh, maybe they do have a thing together. If they actually were romantically involved, I don't think I could handle that. My brain would probably shut off for a minute or too if that happened. It wouldn't be all that surprising to be honest though, given the way these three act.  
_

"What is it?" Tsukasa turned and asked Kagami.

_How long can Konata hold her breath? I don't know about her but I CAN HOLD MY BREATH FOR A LOOOONG TIME. Referencing music videos nobody knows is fun._

"Oh, nothing!" A startled Kagami replied.

_She was just thinking about how she wants to put the consensual back in nonconsensual. IF you know what I mean. Actually, that doesn't make any sense. I don't know what Kagami wants. Probably money.  
_

"I was just wondering what you did with…unwanted hair."

_So our little Kagamin is becoming a woman, I better not be the person she comes to when she wants to learn how to shave. Knowing these three, I'd be the one they'd ask about learning how to shave pubic hair. I don't get it though, Kagami's clean shaven, I've been seeing her naked for like last half hour. Is she asking if Tsukasa waxes or something? I don't understand anything._

"Well, I'm kind of smooth all over so I don't really do anything." Tsukasa replied. "What do you do?"

_Did she just not hit puberty or something? Judging by her breast size and lack of discernable hip curves, that's completely possible. Maybe she has some chemical imbalance that made it so her hormones never kicked in and she'll forever be a child. I'm the complete opposite, I started puberty when I was only nine years old. I like that because certain stores don't card me when I go to buy liquor.  
_

"Who me?" Kagami asked, she sounded even more startled than before. "I guess I'm kind of normal…"

_Unlike those damn Tea Ceremony cultists. On the way here to the bathhouse, I saw them playing Tousenkyo down at the beach in their kimonos. That's weird! That game was made for Geisha girls, and Geisha girls the Tea Ceremony Club are not. Not to mention half their members are…I have no idea what gender any of them are. Speaking of Tousenkyo, Tsumugi was like really, REALLY good at that game. I don't mean, better than us, but better than the people I see playing during tournaments on TV. She also bowled a 300 once. I miss being around people who weren't completely incompetent idiots._

"Hmm." Tsukasa hummed after a second of silence.

_Everything was almost normal until you started talking about your pubic hair again. Kagami, is it any wonder why no one ever wants to hang around us? _

"Actually today was kind of risky for me if you know what I mean." Kagami told her.

_That's not a normal thing to say. _

"No, I don't."

_Neither do I._

"It was almost time for my…you know what to happen." She clarified.

_You know what? No I don't know what. What are you talking about? I don't like where this is going._

"Oh I get it..." Tsukasa giggled.

_Tsukasa's into some pretty deep stuff. If she gets it then it must be pretty sick. But something sexual doesn't fit into that context at all._

"…But it didn't so that's good."

_Okay, Wikibrain activate, searching for something that could be an innuendo for. What happens periodically that Kagami could be worrying about? Mail happens after a period of time. Bills? Bills are something that poor people get bloody worried about._

_My guess is that this has something to do with the occult. I bet they mail order in children from Russia and then slice them up on top of a stone alter under their house. Then they fill chalices with blood and offer it to Dagon, the god of the Deep Ones. I mean where else would they get blood for it? They don't like doing this so that was why Kagami was worried. Wow, maybe I've been wrong to make fun of them for being stupid and incompetent this whole time. They're too afraid to think rationally every day because of this secret._

"Were you okay with yours today?" Kagami asked her sister.

_Her unhallowed sacrifice?_

"It missed me, mine ended just last week. So I guess you could say it was perfect timing." Tsukasa replied.

_Wait, this ritual happens over multiple days? How do they do that if they have to go to school? Perfect timing, what was that about? Detective Miwiki Firefox is on the job!_

"It's such a hassle when you want to go to the beach." Kagami said.

_Wait, I bet they're branded or something by Dagon after the ritual. That mark is what prevents them from turning into one of the Deep Ones. And if they go to the beach then everyone will see the mark and know their dark secret. Wait, how would people recognize that just from a marking? I would just think it's a tribal tattoo or something. Is this one of those things where everyone but me seems to know about it? Kind of like how everyone but me has played Final Fantasy 7?_

"Yeah, I know. It sucks when you can't go into the water because of it." Tsukasa replied.

_I bet the water has a negative effect on it, I bet it enhances the mutation process instead of nullifying it. This sounds really silly, but honestly, what else could they possibly be talking about? It's not like they're talking about their periods or_

_I…I may not be as smart as I think I am sometimes._

"But you could always use one of those thingies."

_Is she talking about tampons? That would support my period theory. _

"Yeah right, but you still worry about it." Kagami agreed.

_Well that clarified it for me, I am yet again correct. What was I saying about cults earlier? How did I get that out of periods? This reminds me of when Sakamoto got it in her head that I was a vampire. She sharpened a drumstick and tried to steak me with it. All she did was break my sternum though. _

"I've never used one of those things." Tsukasa chuckled.

_Wait, I remember this! One time in class, I saw a few spots of blood on Tsukasa chair. I thought she just had a nose bleed and then I went and… I just threw up in my mouth a little I think. Oh god I hope she doesn't have AIDs._

Konata popped up between both of them like a dolphin coming out of water, the two sisters screamed in unison. "Someone's having a blunt conversation."

"W-what if we are? It's not like you never-" Kagami tried to argue, Konata's pointblank stare stopped her mid sentence. "You're kidding!" Kagami gasped.

"What are you looking at?" Konata replied and stared her down.

"Oh nothing…" Kagami muttered, she sounded scared.

_It's like they're communicating like cats do. That's not really fair to housecats though. Wait, I think Konata is one of those people who lies and says they have no period. All that means is that she's infertile, which I view as being quite a good thing. That's pretty cool I guess._

I was relieved that I survived the bathhouse though, I was almost positive that I was going to have my life ended. No, I survived that but I wasn't sure about my next obstacle. The hotel. Konata was a master of staying up all night. Sadly, I was not. As soon as I drifted off I knew Konata would jump me and have her way.

_I'm a heavy sleeper too. I didn't realize how easy it would be for her to just go at it while I'm sleeping. Okay, okay, I just have to stay up all night. Easy. _

For now she just settled for telling ghost stories.

"The story I'm about to tell you…really happened." Konata began in a low voice. "A man who worked for a video wholesaler left home one night as he usually did. It was especially dark that night as he got on the bus to go home."

I clung on to Tsukasa and shivered in fear, not at her stupid story but at the fact I had to keep up the image I had built for myself. Plus I saw Tsukasa as a possible ally, she didn't seem like one to enjoy occult stuff so maybe I could save her then we could run away to Taiwan or somewhere. That was just in case the Tea Ceremony Club decided to strike again. Taiwan seemed safe.

_No, their version of Mandarin Chinese is difficult to learn. I think I speak enough English to get by in an English speaking country. The UK or Denmark seem to good choices. But in Denmark I'd have to learn Danish since English is mostly a second language there, so the UK it is though. I guess that isn't that bad though, except for chavs…Seriously "Hey lets take that faggoty 'gangster' style from Americans and make it even more faggoty!" Who was the genius who thought that up? I don't understand the west…I really don't. _

"His house was at the edge of town where the bus route ended. One by one, the passengers were dropped off. But the man, he was alone riding through the inky blackness on this especially dark night. The bus was so empty and so quiet now, that the driver thought he was alone…but he wasn't, and _then_…"

_Who was phone? A skeleton popped out. Every body walked the dinosaur. Yawn, I've heard this before._

"HE SANG DANZEN FUTARI WA PRETTY CURE OUT LOUD!"

Everyone screamed in unison, except for me, I was just a little flustered at everyone screaming in my ear at once. I had to give her credit, that was a new one.

"Just a rumor I heard." Konata said and turned the lights back on.

_Terrifying. Can you swallow a hot coal for me? It worked in Julius Caesar so it should work for you. That chick was pretty hardcore to swallow that. I don't think I could do that, that's hardcore. I'm having trouble finding a more painful way to die than that._

"It was nothing." Kagami announced, clearly sounding relieved. Everyone else breathed a sigh of relief and eventually headed off to bed. I prepared myself for the oncoming night though. If Konata attacked I would be ready. I had even found my camera taser. If I accidentally killed her, I could just dump her body in the ocean and be done with it.

I took a disposable camera and stripped it down so the case around it was gone. I then took two paper clips and fastened them into the camera. I wound it up and set it next to me, if I hit the flash button it would electrocute any one who was touching the paper clips. This was not a cheap camera so I could probably knock someone unconscious with this thing. Maybe even kill then.

Eventually tiredness overcame worry and I fell asleep. Not even an hour later I was awoken by Tsukasa screaming and Kagami muttering, "Go to sleep…"

_Sounds like Konata tried feeling Tsukasa up. Christ, get a room you two! A different one I mean, one that isn't near me! All this nonsense is making me have to go the little Miyuki's room._

So I got up out of bed and stumbled down the hall. I had been dreaming about anthropomorphic frog people again, and therefore was on edge.

My hand brushed up against someone and I had to stifle a scream of horror. Without thinking I jabbed my camera into them and hit flash. There was a flurry of sparks and I heard the person hit the ground. As my eyes adjusted I realized that this person certainly was not Konata, it was some twelve year old boy.

_Oops. Well that's it, I'm going to prison for murder. Assuming he's dead. I'm not even going to check to see if he's alive or not. Alrighty, time to do what you do best Miyuki, make someone else look bad to cover up your own mistakes. _

I dragged the kid's unconscious (and quite possibly dead) body towards the circuit box at the end of the hallway. After placing him against the wall in a sitting position, I killed the power to the place. I then grabbed a handful of wires and tore them free, after that I turned the power back on.

_Oh dear, your poor little boy was playing around the circuit box at night and had a little accident? That's so sad, and it is also in no way Miyuki's fault whatsoever. Okay…no hairs left, no surfaces that leave visible prints. Alright, time for bed._

Somehow I managed to survive the night. The morning was mixture of confusion since the power was out for some "strange" reason. We left like nothing happened, but we had to wait a few minutes as Tsukasa stared blankly into the ocean. She then came screaming to Kagami about something.

_She's completely and utterly insane isn't she? Normal people don't stare at the ocean then run screaming to their sister about being scared._

**Part 6 of 24**

I got home and helped myself to a nice meal.

_It's a modern miracle that the beach food didn't give my dysentery. Ahh, now to sit back the rest of the day while browsing forums and listening to death metal. Maybe Minami will stop on by with her laptop and we can have a Team Fortress 2 LAN party. As much as she will never admit it, that girl is like a goddess at games. Her only fault is that she always over thinks all the puzzles and ignores the simple answers. Not everyone can be as perfect as me though._

"Miyuki." My mother addressed and walked up me."Go have your teeth taken care of before school starts up again."

_My cavities aren't that bad! Why can't you be a negligent parent and ignore me? You're cool to hang out with sometimes but you really need to stop caring about my health. It's not like I plan to live past the age of thirty anyway. Chances are that my super virus will end up killing me as well. This is precisely why I need a heir._

"I understand but I just don't like it." I replied honestly.

_See Mom is cool because, like Minami, I can be myself around them without any strange looks and "OH EM GEE you just contrasted your normal personality!" The most I get is the occasional, "Oh Miyuki be nice." From Mom and some, "Settle down there, Miyuki." From Minami. I have the decency to be polite around Mother though. After what Daddy put her through, it's the least I could do. _

"Well, I would feel bad about forcing you to go." She said and grabbed the house phone from the table. "If you can't go I'll have him come. A visit from the dentist."

_No, no, no! Are you trying to get me raped or something? This is how Elizabeth Short died; I think. There are no witnesses here, and how's he supposed to bring all the dental care stuff here anyway? Aren't there machines you need for that stuff? Are we back in the 1800's?_

"Please wait!" I shouted and tried to convince her to just let me go another few months, or year or two without visiting him.

So after spending the night with gut wretching pain in my teeth, I came to school in zombie mode. It was falling asleep at my desk when Tsukasa ran at me.

"Yuki-chan! Good morning!"

_Miyuki need more sleep before Miyuki able to intelligently communicate thoughts._

"Good morning Tsukasa-san." I replied.

_Time to put on the usual act again…I'm like a circus performer stuck in carnival hell._

"You look kinda down, did something happen?" She asked.

_I can't tell if she actually cares, or is just trying to talk to me to avoid Konata. No, Konata would force her way into this conversation either way. She's like a conversation date rapist._

"Actually, I went to have my cavity taken care of." I admitted.

"You went to the dentist." Tsukasa replied."Impressive!"

_Everything I do is impressive given the circumstances. Most people would have killed themselves by now, but I keep going._

"Why are there so many follow up trips to the dentist?" I groaned.

_Seriously, get it done all at once instead of dragging it on to make more money. Not like my family has any trouble with finances. Except with the government tries to regulate our earnings. Not. Cool. I blame poor people for this._

"I totally know what you mean! And it isn't just one or two trips!" When she finished Konata walked up to us.

"Miyuki-san, good day." Konata said politely with a bow of her head.

_What the hell? What are you doing? Why are you being so polite? Did you join the Tea Ceremony Club or something?_

"Ah Konata-san, good day." I replied sounding polite, in reality I was kind of nervous about what she was up to.

"Have you been well?" She asked in that same voice.

_Oh I get it, you're making fun of me! _

I nodded. "Thank you for asking."

"I'm pleased to see you looking well."

_Of course I'm looking well! I always look well. _

"This is the first time I've seen a person say 'good day' in real life!" Tsukasa stated. _Ha ha you're lower caste. That's the one thing India really got right, was their whole caste system. I like how they convinced the poor people that they would always be poor and that people like me should be inherently worshiped._

"Really?" I replied, "It appears to be a regularly used greeting at the girls' school my friends go to."

_I haven't talked to them in months. They're snobby and rich to the power of ten. Just because they're rich and pretty doesn't make them above every one else! That rule doesn't apply to me though. I AM above everyone else around here. Tsumugi was pretty tame though, but kind of weird. I wouldn't have minded going to Sakuragaoka with her, but that would be like a three hour commute. Almost worth it though._

"A real school for rich girls is something else. How refined." Konata said in her mocking voice. Then that kid who smells bad and yells a lot walked up to us. What was his name again?

"Kuroi told me to collect summer homework for her." He said.

_Get away from me, please, please, PLEASE, get away from me. Can you not read the displeasure written all over my face?_

"Excellent work, Sebastian." Konata complimented.

_I thought his name was Mikuru Shira-whatever. And he did not do anything excellent._

"S-seba?" He stuttered.

"Butlers must be named Sebastian, do you not agree?" Konata asked.

_No, our old butler's name was Scruffy. Well that's what I called him at least. I never learned his name, but I don't think it was worth remembering._

"You do get that impression." Tsukasa agreed.

_You're dirt poor, how would you know?_

"Tell us a funny story, Sebastian." Konata demanded.

_I got one. There was that time I took off one of Minami's eyebrows when we decided to have a knife fight. It didn't work the way it did in Biohazard 4, and insurance doesn't cover knife wounds like that. Man it takes your wrist A LONG time to stop bleeding. She was pissy about that for like a month. Why is everyone who isn't me such a baby?_

"Ain't happening." He muttered and walked off.

_You shall bow to your superiors silly man. Like I said, caste system._

Class started and Kuroi began her rambling/lessons. "Vacation just ended but you ain't got no time to be mooching around. Start thinking about your future and put effort into studying…"

_Her Kansai accent is so fake that it offends me. ALL Of MY HAATE._

I fell asleep exactly right then and there. At lunch Kagami came into harass us with her usual nonsense.

_Go bother Misao and Ayano. They don't get bothered enough._

"By future she means choosing a major?" Kagami asked.

_How did you know she said that? You're in a different class. _

"I guess high school is only a temporary stopping point."

_Unless you're Tsukasa, she's gonna be here awhile._

Konata literally slid up to her, "But you probably haven't done much thinking about the future, right?"

"Why? Don't insult me!" Kagami shouted at her

"Because…you chose liberal arts to be in the same class with everyone, right?" _Nice one Kagami. Way to sacrifice your future to be insulted by Konata every day. Really thought this one out didn't you? I just wrote down whatever since high school isn't important to me in anyway. _

"Tsu-Tsukasa!" Kagami screamed at her sister "You blabbed!"

_No, I guess I'm not allowed to have naps. Why would I be?_

"Ah, sorries." Tsukasa innocently muttered.

_There is nowhere else you could be having this conversation? Like outside? Or in the middle of a busy street? Just let me sleep on this cold metal desk._

Kagami pointed at Konata, "And you told HER of all people."

_And you CHOSE here of all places._

Konata slid up being Kagami and rested her head just below the twin tailed girls neck. "Oh come on, you could have just been honest…" Konata cooed and raised her hand over Kagami's head and began stroking her hair.

_H-how is she bending her arm like that! _

"You hate being lonely don't you, there there…"

Kagami threw Konata off her and screamed, "Shut up!"

_I wish people would consider my feelings when they choose a place to have their temper tantrums…_

_Oh fuck me, I just realized that the school sports festival is coming up. This means I'm going to have to do stuff…I don't wanna do stuff!_


	7. Just Another Day

**MIYUKI THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE**

**CHAPTER 7**

**JUST ANOTHER DAY**

**Part 7/24**

"Where are your glasses Yuki-chan?" Was the first thing Tsukasa asked me that morning.

_No hello? No 'good morning'? No greeting at all? Either Tsukasa is intentionally trying to make me mad, or she's gotten so friendly with me that she doesn't think we need greetings. Great, I go out of my way to not be friends with these people and they pretty much fall in love with me. Sometimes being so awesome is a curse._

_However, after what happened over break, Tsukasa just comes off as better company now. Mother took me over to my aunt's house one weekend for dinner, and I ended up hanging out with Sakamoto. She had dyed her hair from its normal black to this crazy blue and pink scheme in a pony tail. Satsuki was off pretending to be a Viking and harassing some blonde girl who she dubbed her 'warrior queen', so it was just us. Sakamoto had been listening to _Cannibal Corpse _and reading along to the lyrics, then got it into her head that they were inspiring. So basically she tried to make me the subject of the song 'Stripped Raped and Strangled'. After her mother wondered just why she was trying to choke me with a pair of used panties, Sakamoto replied with, "She was so beautiful, I had to kill her."_

_And…well…yeah, my cousin is a fucking psycho. She knows how to bake rad cookies though, so I'm totally going back over there. What was Tsukasa saying? Oh right, my glasses._

"Oh, well you see…they broke this morning." I replied, "I had placed them on my chair and forgot about them, it was an accident."

_I can't believe I did that though, because that's never happened before. Ah well, my eye sight and grades are good enough that can get by a few days without them. Now to continue reading _Shadow Over Innsmouth. _God damned it, I forgot my book at home, never mind. No wait, forgot my class notes too, double damn it. This is biology too, I can't remember the names of those stupid little protozoa diseases off the top of my head. _

"I'm terribly sorry, may I borrow today's notes from the two of you?" I asked in my normal polite and modest tone.

"Of course." Tsukasa giggled.

_At least friendship has some perks, I guess._

"You're still as clumsy as ever, keep it up." Konata said.

_You know if I just snapped and killed you right now, I don't think anyone would be surprised. Maybe at first they'd say, "Oh wow, I never expected that from her. Wow!" Then after questioning around they'd say. "Well then again Konata did harass and sexually harass her everyday, she also gave Miyuki a concussion at the beach." Oh yeah did I write that down? No I didn't, yeah when I slipped on the bar of soap I ended up with a concussion. I'm a cute rich girl, nobody would give me a heavy sentence and I'd be tried as a minor too. What's the worse I could get, two years in prison for choking Konata to death in class?_

I reluctantly took their notes and reviewed over them, it turned out that Konata does not know how to write in Japanese. At all. _Konata-san, you're hand writing is so…mysterious?_

Tsukasa actually writes her kanji a lot better than I do, except I can blast away at 30 words a minute while she laboriously does each one as slowly as humanly possible. So she only copied about a third of the stuff down. _Tsukasa-san keep trying!_

In the end I was forced to ask Kagami for her notes. She's the only one I didn't feel like I had to kill out of incompetence. It was a good thing we weren't in a post apocalyptic situation where I'd have to count on them all for survival. Who am I kidding, if there was a situation like that, I would let the three of them run around in the wasteland doing chores while I amass an empire. Sure I wouldn't be the main character, but I'd rather have an empire as opposed to love and multiple spin offs written about me.

"I swear it's like those two are totally useless. Here" She replied to my question and handed me her notebook.

_I like how blunt Kagami is at times. But knowing her, she probably talks about me to the other's when I'm not around. You really can't trust anyone around here._

"Thank you so much." I said and took the notes.

_Wow I never noticed that Kagami had such pretty hands. I want hands like that! When I become a doctor maybe I should get into the dealing of body part and organ harvesting to make my body even more perfect._

"It's a good thing we have the same teacher, or you'd be stuck." Kagami said, I could tell she was trying to make herself look better.

_I would NOT be stuck, in fact with my grades I could probably not even show up for the rest of the year and still easily pass. But nooo, I need a good GPA and the like to get into any decent university. _

"Oh, and could you please keep this a secret?" I asked, "It was such a nice gesture and I'd hate to pour cold water on it."

_And by saying this I make myself look even more saintly. Behold Miyuki, the nicest fucking person on this side of Japan. I mean come on what's the worst thing I've ever done…besides possibly murder some kid? But no one knows that was me so it doesn't count? Right? Oh yeah, I have stolen like 30,000 yen in office supplies here and once drove a teacher's car home. The keys were in it, so I just hopped in and went. People saw me do it, but nobody stopped me because I acted like I totally knew what I was doing._

With Kagami's halfway decent notes, I managed to get by to lunch.

"Are you ready to have lunch with us Yuki-chan?" Tsukasa asked, the other two had assembled with her.

_Not with you, no. I cannot wait until Minami gets into this school. Then I'll have someone to spend time with that isn't a complete waste of space. If only Sakamoto hadn't gotten in trouble for murder or whatever, then I'd have her. Sure she's a complete psycho who tries to copy death metal lyrics and has talked about wanting to cut me open in my sleep and eat my heart, but she was fun to be around. She's also the reason I sleep with a gun in my room._

"Tsukasa-san, Konata-san, here are your notes. Thank you so much for them." I said and gave them both back their useless notes.

_Does anyone else hear the disembodied music in the background? It must be coming from some ones cell phone or something, because I'm not seeing the source. I see the Tea Ceremony Club over there, but they're not doing anything…at all. Not talking, not eating, not anything. That's weird!_

"Not at all…" Konata replied,"…No need to thank us, we're happy to help."

_Yeah, no need to thank you at all._

"I never thought I'd be lending you my notes, Yuki-chan. I was so surprised." Tsukasa said.

_And don't be surprised when it never happens again. Another thing, stop calling me Yuki-chan. I go by either Miyuki, Miyuki-san, Takara-sama, Miwiki Firefox, Miyuki-tan, or Miyuki, Grand Dragon Master of the Five Seasonal Winds. If those don't work than I'll settle for Miyuki- Renegade of Funk. Better than Sakamoto, who just calls everyone who isn't her, 'meat'._

"Doubt it'll happen again though." Kagami muttered.

_Thank you for serving as my voice of pessimism. I wonder if Kagami can read minds._

When we sat down to eat, the first thing Konata did was shove a Chocolate Coronet into her mouth and stare me down.

"What is it? Do I have something on my face?" I asked nervously.

_If it's a leech or something, then I don't think I could handle that. I had one get on my face once while swimming in a river, and it ended up tearing a quarter inch of skin off when it got yanked away._

"In games and anime when characters with glasses come to school without glasses they suddenly become popular. But I guess that doesn't happen in real life." Konata answered.

_Stuff in anime doesn't happen in real life? Fooled me. Because here I thought that World War 2 was fought with the moe anthropomorphisation of air planes and that Switzerland had blown up the whole world with spider tanks. I also thought that drawing on stars on your face, wearing glitter, and dressing like a vocaloid character was metal; that Kyoto Animation knew what metal actually was._

"No I guess not, unfortunately." I replied.

"Does anyone else think that Choco Coronets look like drills?" Kagami asked and peered over at Konata's meal.

_No, they look like beehives. Buzz buzz buzz. I should have been a bee. Not a worker, but a queen bee._

"Drills!" Tsukasa and I gasped in unison.

_The drill…the bee's one natural enemy…_

"That's right, I just

_buzz_

remembered we were

_buzz_

talking about which end of a Choco Coronet is the head, and

_buzz_

how the thin end kind of looks like a butt." Tsukasa announced.

_Okay, I need to stop that before I drive myself crazy._

"Although, if you look again the thicker end looks more like a butt." Konata said and turned the coronet sideways.

"A butt?" Kagami whispered, "Wow…that's a big butt, and a layered belly."

_I love how you three behave almost exactly like ten year olds. All you're missing is the Beavis and Butthead style laughing. And people associate me with you too. Just gonna change the subject here…_

"When you gain weight on the lower half of your body, trying to find a skirt that fits you is really difficult." I said.

"Yeah right!" Tsukasa instantly agreed. "When it fits your waist it doesn't fit your hips, and when the skirt fits your hips the waist is all loose."

_That was surprisingly easy to do. I should keep this in mind for when Konata starts talking about those scat doujins she reads. But if she doesn't talk about guro and scat one day, then she'll just talk about it another. It's like I'm living off borrowed time when dealing with Konata._

"But you can't help it so you buy the one with the loose waist, and then when you're out walking the skirt stars spinning around until it's backwards." I continued and twirled my finger, this gave the image of a twirling skirt or something.

_So after high school I should definitely get into the movie industry. I can keep up conversations I have no knowledge about and make it look natural. With the money I get from that, I can use it to fund getting that elephant._

"I know!" Tsukasa giggled.

"A layered belly on a coronet body…" Konata said and held up her still uneaten meal. "Flip it to the side and it's a sleeping body~ If you sleep too much you'll get a _coronet body_."

_Konata. Wh__at the fuck is wrong with you?_

"Let me know when I'm supposed to laugh, okay?" Kagami groaned.

_Get over yourself Kagami, not everyone is out for your personal amusement. They're out for my personal torment, I thought we'd already established this. I know that sounds paranoid to high hell, but I seriously think Konata does this to personally upset me. Just what is her problem though? Is she jealous?_

"Hey onee-chan, didn't you go on some kind of diet to get rid of your summer pudginess?" Tsukasa randomly asked.

_I like her pudginess, it looks fun to squeeze._

"I did…" Kagami sighed, "But even though I lost some weight, I didn't loose anything from my waist or hips."

_But those places are hidden by the skirt though. I can't even see them. What kind of situation are you in where that becomes a problem. Are you a prostitute? That's hardcore, I don't think I could be a prostitute._

"No Kagami, it did work I can totally see the fruits of your diet." Konata told her.

"Really?" Kagami gasped happily.

"Yep, the difference is crystal clear." Konata replied and began staring intently at Kagami's boobs. "They say when you go on a diet the places where you don't want to lose weight are always the fists ones to go bye-bye."

"Cut it out, don't even go there!" Kagami screamed at her and groped herself.

_So…does anyone here like Konata, at all? I bet Tsukasa and Kagami are just like me and aren't saying anything. Except they each think that the us other two like Konata, so they don't tell her to piss off. At least we're all thinking the same thing. Maybe I could just tell her to go away, and the two of them would actually support me._

The lunch bell rang and I was herded into my next class. The literature one with the teacher who writes his kanji way too small, also I was missing my glasses which made it impossible to read anything. Figured that everyone was out to sabotage me.

"Remember that in literature the idea is to always be thinking about the message the author is trying to convey." Our sensei read out loud.

Y_eah I know the message of all the stories that they make us read. _

_Romeo and Juliet- Romeo is a retard and if you make stupid decisions like that then you deserve to die. _

_Dante's Inferno- Don't go to hell because a Greek poet will chatter you to death. _

_To Kill A Mocking Bird- Black people are great scapegoats. _

_The Adventures Of Tom Sawyer- Mark Twain wasn't a master of satire, he was just a pissed off old guy. _

_Lord Of Flies- Kill that fat kid. _

_Twilight- If your man isn't a sparkly pixy who is godlike gorgeous then you should dump him, or that the book is just the final nail in the proverbial coffin that is America's bastardization of vampires._

Trying to read the text was straining my eyes and giving me a headache so I popped a few Aspirin to ease it. A few being about fourteen oh and one oxycodone for good measure. I don't remember how the class ended up but soon I was sitting with the others, because they seem to congregate around me like flies to rotting meat.

"I heard if your eyesight's bad it looks like you're glaring and it freaks people out, but then again it depends on the person." Konata said

"Hold it right there, you looked at me when you said it depends on the person, didn't you!" Kagami screamed at Konata, Tsukasa giggled at this.

"I heard when you squint your eyes it makes you look pretty." Tsukasa said then closed her eyes half way. I decided to never take that much aspirin again, because now I was seeing a sparkly glow around Tsukasa. "It's because it gives you this wispy far away look…or something like that."

The four of us ended up copying her expression and the room glowed around us as we stared off into that sweet, beautiful oblivion.

I had no thoughts. Nothing. My mind was a blank slate.

"Wait, what are we doing!" Kagami snapped at us. Class started again but I just kept that same expression and just enjoyed being alive.

"Takara…" Kuroi said and tried to get my attention.

_Leave me alone, I'm having super happy flowery Miyuki time over here._

"Oi, Takara!" She called again. Konata giggled something about me being an "air head".

I don't remember anything that happened until I was standing outside near where we got on the train.

_What…the…Okay Miyuki, no more drugs mmkay? Huh, I just realized that I get away with a lot of illegal things. Like for instance, I have three concealed weapons on me right now. But seriously, that was a BAD trip, and oxycodone shouldn't do that. I got these from Sakamoto, so they should be safe, but now I'm not so sure. _

"Yayyy, she gave it back to me!" Tsukasa cheered as she ran up to us.

_What your- Oh wait you can't get that back. But seriously, what the hell happened to me? I hope I didn't kill anyone like last time._

"It sucks that your first call was a spam text." Konata replied to her.

_Oh right, she got her phone taken away. That was when I was daydreaming about fighting ice giants with Odin on my side. See, this is why the Norse had the right idea with religion. Odin promised the end of all the ice giants and Jesus promised world peace. I see no world peace._

Kagami's phone rang so she answered it, "Oh hey dad…Yeah I'm still at school, just hanging with Konata and Miyuki and lost track of time…Yeah, I'm fine. I'll be heading home in a little bit…See yah." She hung up, "That always happens even when I'm a little late."

_Ha ha your dad worries! I haven't spoken to my dad in like three months because…come to think of it, I don't even know what my dad does for a living. For all I know he's a secret agent who battles evil robots with my brother. It would make sense since I never see either of them and they have plenty of money. _

Tsukasa's cell phone rang and pulled me away from my thoughts. "Oh, hello?…Oh, Hiya dad!…Yeah I'm still at school with Kona-chan and the others."

_So that's what it's come down to? I'm now the 'others'. I swear, one day I'll get the respect I deserve. Even if I have to commit genocide to get it._

"You'd think he'd figure it out after calling just one of us." Kagami groaned.

_Knowing Tsukasa, I wouldn't be surprised if he thought that she was stuck in a sewer pipe somewhere with anthropomorphic frog people. Towards the beginning of junior high, this one German exchange girl freaked out and started ranting about anthropomorphic frog people living in the sewers._

"Fathers always worry about their daughters, it's what they do best." Konata said. It was then I snuck away unnoticed. On the train ride home I realized something…The school festivals were coming up…

No, no, no, no, I wasn't going to jump through hoops for everyone's amusement. That's what those events were, just a big lemming test. I wasn't on parole, so I could skip school easily, but Mother would disapprove. I decided to go hide with Sakamoto at her house, living in that really big crawl space under her bed where she kept all those snake skins. First though, I went down stairs and gathered some things.

"Miyuki-san…what are you doing?" Minami asked after walking into my room.

"Staging my own death." I replied, and smeared some more ketchup on the walls.

"Why?"

"So I can hide out at my cousin's house until the school festivals are over." I told her, and added some more ketchup to the mannequin I had 'borrowed' from that small clothing store in town. It was a good think that manager never really paid attention, because I could just walk out with these things like it was nothing. I would lay them in the road with clothes at night an watch cars swerve around them.

"You think your mother will fall for a mannequin that was the word 'Miyuki' written on its head?" She asked.

"Probably." I shrugged, "This is partially your fault too."

"I don't even want to know how you came to that conclusion." She sighed. "But I'll bite, what did I do this time?"

"You won't help me record the single greatest song ever made." I told her and grabbed a pink marker to draw some hair on my Miyuki morphodite.

"That's because I don't play drums and you insist that I play the drums for the song."

I dropped the marker.

_That was why our band never took off. She doesn't play drums…how do I always forget that? Stupid Minami, why can't she be perfect like me? Why is everyone who isn't me so bad at music?_

"Fine, I'll go to the sports festival if you're so adamant about it." I sighed.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	8. Paranoid part 4

**MIYUKI, THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE**

Tastychainsaws here, not Miyuki right away. So far I've kept silent while writing this but now I think I'll say just a few words. First off, just because this is on my mind,- No, the sewer mutant thing wasn't actually a self-advertisement, it was actually a reference to a doujin I read a long time ago. It was really sad, too bad I can't remember the name of it.

Now that we have a more in depth look into Miyuki's mind, a number of questions have arisen, I address them from a neutral angle. Is she insane? Quite possibly. Is she a sociopath? Definitely. Miyuki makes a lot of suggestive remarks about Minami, is she gay or at least bi? Hard to tell, Miyuki seems too arrogant and spiteful to be involved in any sort of romance. What does she do for fun anyways? From what we can tell so far she seems to be interested video games or at least knows about them; she also makes numerous references to internet culture and music which also may be hobbies of hers.

I would also like to take this time to give you a little preview of what will appear in later chapters. Minami/Yutaka pairing, Miyuki isn't pleased about this. Miyuki fights Moby Dick in hand to hand combat. Miyuki continues to try and make Minami start a band with her. The sports festival. The four girls get lost in the woods. And many more exciting things. And I will continue to reference anything and everything from obscure songs to obscure games.

**BACK TO MIYUKI**

I thought long and hard about what kind of skills I had for the athletic contests, and them compared them to what sort of competitions there were. First there was the bread-eating race, I have a fear of that thing either pulling out my teeth or dislocating my jaw…so I knew that wasn't an option. Then there was the 100 meter dash, possibly. Next was the long jump, stupid. That little event where you jump over barriers, too easy to get my face ruined. Relay race, possibly. Obstacle course…

_The obstacle course of course! I'd be really good at that, I have all sorts of training. One time I wanted to build a really big pillow fort, but my home is disgustingly lacking in pillows. So I snuck out at 2 in the morning, and headed down town to that big department store they have. It was easy enough to get in, I herded all the pillows into a pile and made Fort Miyuki. The police didn't think it was as cool as I did, and then the pillow fort collapsed and I had to climb through a sea of pillows and shelves that got knocked over. While avoiding the police the whole time mind you. I went out through the roof and climbed down the wall and jumped into a tree, I didn't really make it out with the same amount of blood in my body. Luckily Cherry will happily lick your wounds with great enthusiasm._

"Okay, does anyone else feel like volunteering?" Kuroi asked the class, she was referring to the obstacle course. Now was my chance to shine.

"Though I've never done that before I'll do my best." I answered and raised my hand, behind me that Sebastian guy was crying for some reason. _Probably sad that he'll never get a piece of this fine Miyuki. Better go kill yourself now, smelly._

"But you can't Miyuki-san!" Konata protested. _Uhh, yes I can. I can and I will._

"Huh?"

"With those curvy-curves you shouldn't be doing the obstacle course, you'll have to squeeze through things and go over stuff!" Konata shouted to the entire class, which all burst into simultaneous laughter at me. _My brain is on fire with the feeling to kill, and it won't go away until my dream is fulfilled. There is only one thing on my mind, don't try running 'cuase you're the one I'll find. Running, on my way. Hiding, you will play. Dying, one thousand deaths, Dyu doo doo doo dooo… Somethiiiiiing, SEEK AND DESTROY!_

Even after publicly humiliating me, she comes up later that day with her two followers and asks me something stupid. She told me about how some douche bag in middle school said she was the object on his scavenger hunt, but didn't say what it was.

"Something about you that's hard to mention, that might be the object in a scavenger hunt?" I asked.

"Mhm." Konata nodded. _Oh man the list goes on. "Something that smells like crabmeat", "Four feet of unwashed hair", "A parasite", "Something universally disliked by all", "Something that makes Miyuki look better in every way when you compare the two". Yeah, the list went on._

"Uhh…" I thought for a moment, _What's the politically correct answer? _"…It's only speculation but perhaps it's the mole on your face. One could consider that a sensitive subject."

Fast forwards to another conversation that stuck in my mind. Let me set the scene here- We were sitting at our desks like always, Kagami shows up uninvited like always, they're all staring at my boobs like always. _Time for me to have another pretend conversation. I think I should take this moment to remind myself why I keep my thoughts to myself. Remember Miyuki- You'll say something you end up regretting then you have like four people trying to kick your ass. Remember that religious shit storm you conjured when you made fun of that catholic kid in middle school by saying that he worships a church that condones child molestation? Yeah we don't need a repeat of THAT incident. I mean I understand trying to cover up your religion but seriously they just let all of those people go._

"I do enjoy the athletic festivals, but after that we still have exams." I said. Tsukasa quickly took the bate.

"I think it's kinda sad because when the festivals over we run out of things to do." Tsukasa replied. _Haha you don't have anything to do outside of school. I, on the other hand, have plans to start an underground cockfighting ring. I already have my prizefighter "El Pecko". He'll never replace the whole that my late porcupine, Prickly Pete, left._

"The midterm proficiency and finals, exams are all we have left." I continued. _The one place where I can openly show my dominance over you undesirables. _

"The second semester is a drain on your energy with events like the cultural and athletic festival." Konata said.

"Right?" Tsukasa replied. _Wrong. Well time for me to destroy their hopes and dreams…_

"Midterms are particularly rough." I warned them. _Actually they're ludicrously easy, but watching Kagami study herself into a coma would be funny._

"They also say that fall is for reading so maybe I should read something." Tsukasa said, obviously trying to change the subject. _Bullshit, you can't read._

"It's also a good season to study for tests." I reminded her. _I wonder if I can get her to study like a fake textbook or something. If I was responsible for her getting removed from the school due to bad grades then I would probably die from happiness._

"And there's a whirlwind of new game releases before Christmas!" Konata shouted at us. _Trying to avoid your fear of tests eh? I will not let this subject go!_

"But finals come first." I told her. Mission success, her and Tsukasa instantly had their enthusiasm die. _Now if I can get the body to die too…_

"Oh yeah-" They said in unison, Kagami kindly interrupted them.

"You two. Could you stop trying to avoid reality?" She said and the two of them sighed. _Yes, let us destroy their will to live slowly. _

I debated whether or not to do OD myself into a coma off of prescription drugs or go to the festival. I decided that if I killed myself now then I wouldn't be able to live to play _Duke Nukem Forever, _which WILL come out one day.

"Today's the big day!" Kuroi shouted at us on the day of the festival. "Show me the fruits of your training!" _I would but you switched me to the event I had no prior experience with. I should just lose on purpose just to piss you off._

"Sensei! I'm the type who does well without ever training!" Konata shouted to her. _Your grades and intelligence say otherwise. Not to mention you suck at the games you play too, yeah I looked up your character on the WoW armory. Level 80 and you still have 4 greens, one of which is a quest reward from Stranglethorn Vale? Shame on you, shaaaame._

"Don't say that out loud!" Kuroi snapped at her. "Anyway, you better show some backbone in the team chicken fight!" _Which I am not participating in. Maybe someone will get trampled to death like what happened at that one school in Tokyo. Please let it be Tsukasa… _"The fundamental strategy is to rush them from all sides and whack 'em good!" _Gross._

"So attack their weak point right?" Konata clarified. _So kick between the legs?_

"But we only need to take their hat, hitting people-" I tried to say _Hitting people is awesome!_

"Don't sweat the little stuff. That's one of the mistakes of youth." She interrupted me. _Let's all copy Kuroi so we can grow up to be like her. A disrespected bachelorette with no friends and a dead end job!_

"So we're just boys." Konata said with her stupid grin.

That was the extent of our pep-talk, now it was off for the real thing. We were led out to the track field where the various events were set up. I was really not in the mood to do this.

"Tsukasa." I said and waved the younger twin over to me.

"What is it Yuki-chan?" She asked.

"You're participating in the hurdles right?"

"Right."

"I've heard that timing your steps is important for hurdles." I advised. I knew this was going to mess with her brain.

"Steps?"

"One. Two. Three." I vaguely explained.

"Oh, now I get it!"

First off was the bread-eating race. Kagami took her place with her two opponents.

"Onee-chan, do your best!" Tsukasa yelled to her.

"Good luck!" I yelled to the bread.

"How Is that anpan attached to the string?" Tsukasa turned and asked me. _Any other stupid questions you wanna throw at me? "Hey Miyuki, how do they get those balloons to float?"_

"It's probably attached to a clip or something." I replied.

"So you can't take it off very easily." Tsukasa concluded. _Sure, why not._

"Bring us victory!" Konata called out to her. "Girls must be elegant!" _Not if they're chasing after wild dogs. Except for me, I can do that and still be elegant._

"Like an eating contest could ever be elegant!" Kagami shouted back. _You're using that as an excuse to take off your clothes while running._

"Ready!" The coach screamed and fired his fake pistol. _In my perfect world they would fire a .45 magnum into the crowd. Then they burn the body of whoever it hit like the torch ceremony for the Olympics._

Kagami fell behind the other two runners, but the first place one couldn't even bite onto the anpan. _Wow, way to fail. _Kagami screamed and lunged at it, she got a big mouthful…and managed to pull the entire bar holding them up down.

"She did it!" Tsukasa cheered, then saw Kagami pull the whole thing down. Then a look of shock was on her face.

"That's Kagamin for you." Konata said as the coach ran past us to fix up Kagami's mess. _Way to break the bread-eating contest. It's like you're part walrus or something._

Between events we took the time to read over the flier that was handed put to everyone, I was skim reading it when I saw a man with a massive camera flashing pictures of the different contestants. "That person has an incredible camera."

"Man, he's so easy to understand." Konata said to us. _You WOULD be associated to the creepy guy taking pictures of underaged girls._

I went and blended in with the crowd since I didn't want this guy taking pictures of me, from there I watched Konata somehow win the 100 meter dash. Then I saw Ayano Minegishi fail the long jump more than I've seen anyone ever fail before. _Oh, Misao let you off your leash?_

Next it was Kagami's turn to do the long jump. I stood next to Konata and Tsukasa and we watched sprint while screaming. She then proceed to dive head first into the sand.

"That's Kagami. Dived straight into the sand, huh?" Konata said. _Yes we were right here. I wonder if it's too much to wish that she broke her nose or something. How come no matter how hard I wish, nothing good ever happens to me? Sure that girl in junior high got pregnant like I had wished, then that other guy got cancer, but I haven't had any recent miracles. I'll make another wish- "Dear wishing star, I wish for Misao to be grinded into paste by a combine harvester, oh and let there be video footage for me to watch."_

Now it was time for Tsukasa and the hurdles. I hoped the fruits of my labors paid off. The gun fired and Tsukasa freaked out, she stood there for a second before running, this gave her opponents a good head start. _Operation Mind Crime- Success._

I watched in amazement as she started knocking each hurdle down, one by one. _Congratulations Miyuki- You win a free internet. _Her spectacle ended after a face plant onto the ground.

Then I was called for the last relay, I didn't want to do this. But if I won I could totally make fun of the other team since I'm the girl who walks the mile in gym.

"Yuki-chan do your best!" Tsukasa cried from the sidelines. _Shut up, now I'm going to lose. _I just did my smile-and-wave routine, behind me the pedophile with camera was being hauled off.

"I'll do my best!" I replied back. _Nope, I'm going to half ass it and lose on purpose to make Kuroi pissed._

The race started and I stood in my cool pose and watched my teammates. They were doing miserably. _Once again I get stuck with the fail-whales. _By the time they were nearing me, we had fallen to third. We were still in third when they handed off the baton to me. I broke out into a light jog and quickly made it to second place. _Wow, I'm trying to lose and still beat you, seriously did I like absorb all the desirable traits from every last person in this school?_

Well, short story even shorter- I ended up winning, by just a few centimeters. In my light jog I passed to first and jumped past the finishing line. My well endowed chest pushed the ribbon out of the way. _Great, I fail at failing…I don't know if that's a double negative…_

So I enjoyed my thunderous applause and roses thrown at me. Nothing really to say about that since I instantly went into zombie mode after the race. I didn't have too much time to relax since I had to go home and practice the recorder for music class. _This instrument is beyond easy, seriously even Tsukasa could master this. I bet she already has all the songs we're supposed to learn down. Right now I'm trying to learn "Sweet Child 'o Mine" by "Guns 'n Roses". That solo is fucking hard to play on a recorder._

The following day it was like everything that had happened with the festival had just never happened.

"I was thinking we should try the cafeteria more often, but it's always crowded." Kagami said after dragging us there. _If I hadn't forgotten my lunch then I wouldn't have to be here. I swear to Yog-Sothoth that if I get dysentery then I'm going to hunt you down and eat your eyebrows Kagami. Then you'll have to draw them on with sharpie after the scabs heal. Then you'll never be married!_

"It's pretty overwhelming, and waiting in line is annoying and exhausting. Sure sucks." Konata added. _Come on, I'm the Loner Stoner and I don't even mind this crowd. You two will bitch about anything._

"Haven't you gotten used to this sort of thing from those events?" Kagami asked. _Events? What events? What kind of events have really long line and are exhausting and overwhelming. Oh…god…_

"When I'm not eagerly anticipating what awaits me at the end of the line, it sucks." She answered. _Judging by Tsukasa's stupid grin, she has no idea what they're talking about. I wonder what Konata's childhood was like. She's a stalker, sexual predator for me, talks about all these whorey things. Maybe she had some deep childhood trauma that makes her act this way and I'm actually the bad person for shoving her away? Who really is the victim here?_

"True to you desires, huh?" Kagami muttered. _Our Konata has deep emotional pain and here you are poking fun at her you…Wait she gave me a concussion. You know Konata, I HOPE you had like a sexually abusive parent or something. Fuck you and fuck everything I just thought. It seems like Tsukasa is the only nice one of the bunch at this point, but she is ignorant to the real threat._

_You know what, Tsukasa, I LIKE YOU. You're not like the other people, here, in this school. Oh don't get me wrong. They're fine people, they're good Japanese. But they're content to sit back, maybe watch a little K-ON! on cable, maybe kick back a cool, Coors 16 ouncer. They're good fine people, Tsukasa. But they don't know… what the queers are doing to the soil! You know that Sacchi Nagato kid, the kid that delivers papers in the neighborhood. He's a fine kid. Some of the neighbors say he smokes crack, but I don't believe it._

_Anyways, for his tenth birthday, all he wanted was a Burrow Owl. Kept bugging his old man. "Dad, get me a Burrow Owl. I'll never ask for anything as long as I live." So the guy breaks down and buys him a Burrow Owl. Anyway, 10:30, the other night, I go out into my yard, and there's the Nagato kid, looking up in the tree._

"_What are you looking for?"_

_He says, "I'm looking for my Burrow Owl."_

_I say, "Jumping Jesus On A Pogo Stick! Everyone one knows the Burrow Owl lives. In a hole. In the ground. Why the hell do you think they call it a Burrow Owl anyway!"_

_Now Tsukasa, do you think a kid like that is going to know what the queers are doing to the soil?_

_I first became aware of this about ten months ago, the summer my half-cousin, Bill Jr. died. You know that carnival that comes to town every year? Well this year they came through with a ride called The Mixer. _

_The man said, "Keep your head and arms inside The Mixer at all times." But Bill Jr, he was a DAAAREDEVIL, just like his old man._

_He was leaning out screaming, "Hey everyone, look at me! Look at me!" POW! He was decapitated! They found his head over by the snowcone concession. A few days after that I open up the mail and there's a pamphlet in there from Pueblo, Colorado, and it's addressed to Bill Jr. And it's entitled, "Do you know what the queers are doing to our soil?"_

_Now, Tsukasa, if you look at the soil around any large Japanese city, there's a large underground homosexual population. Hiroshima, for an example. Look at the soil around Hiroshima, Tsukasa. You can't build on it; you can't grow anything on it. The government says it's due to radiation. But I know what's really going on, Tsukasa. I know it's the queers. They're in it with the aliens! _

_They're building landing strips for gay Martians. I SWEAR TO GOD!_

_You know what, Tsukasa, I like you. You're not like the other people, here in this school._

_I liked that ride, The Mixer._

"That's right…" I said out loud and remembered my own experience with The Mixer, "I went to a theme park once and thought I had lined up for an attraction but it was the line for the restroom."

"It's a fundamental rule to check what the line is for first." Konata scolded. _I did! How was I supposed to know that the word "Mixer" means the same thing as "toiletry"._

"…and I waited two whole hours." I sighed. _The actual Mixer was down for maintenance because another kid had gotten decapitated and they had to mop up the blood. That ALWAYS happens to me, why do people have to die and hinder my entertainment? Well at least I got to get a good look at the bloody mess the kid had left, that was pretty cool._

"I've also gotten into a line a few times and when it was finally my turn the person before me had bought the last one." Tsukasa told us. "Terrible. Don't even want to picture it."

"You're just unlucky." Kagami replied. _Don't you have sand to be head butting? Anyways I wonder what this grease trap has in the way of food…_

"Look everyone, what shall we have today?" I asked and pointed at the menu.

"I guess I'll go with curry, they can't screw that up." Konata shrugged. _Wait until you find a raccoon tail in your food. _

"I'll go with ramen." Kagami decided. _Boring, just like you. I want a mages special- Pie Muffins!_

"Me too!" Tsukasa decided as well. "I was planning on having miso ramen today. With lot's of corn and seaweed too." _I bet Ayano is planning on having Misao ramen today, if you catch my drift. Winkwinknudgenudge. I wonder what Misao ramen would taste like, probably a lot like cat meat. That is if I actually chopped her up and ground her into ramen, not have sex with her like I had implied with Ayano just now. I wonder what Misao ramen would taste like in that sense? I guess I could try and woo her to find out, but she would probably get all clingy after we did the deed so I would be forced to kill her. But then again if I killed her then I could make her into food ramen, or food AND sex ramen if I wanted necrophilia. Never mind, necrophilia is kind of difficult between two woman. Anyways the point is I need to add "Sex with Misao" to my list of things to do. Just after train Cherry to be my epic flying mount, that actually going well. I just can't find a good fuel source to keep get going when I make my transpacific flight._

"Kagami's probably having ramen, pudding, and an éclair." Konata said.

"If I have enough room to eat more." She replied.

"You always have more room." Konata giggled. _Oh I know what that means! Wow, Kagami that's not safe for your health at all. What if you choke to death on your own vomit? I've seen that happen online before._

"What about you, Yuki-chan?" Tsukasa asked me.

"I'll have sandwich. With strawberries." I replied. _Less chance of getting dysentery._

"Sounds like something you would have." Konata replied. _Right…_

Which is what I replied with.

"By the way…" She began. _If she makes a stupid remark then I'm hitting her. _"Isn't a strawberry sandwich considered a dessert? Would it count as lunch?" _Coming from the one that eats nothing but chocolate pastries most of the time._

"T-that's true." I lied.

"You pick some odd issues to be concerned about." Kagami said.

"What about the chocolate cornets you always have? Wouldn't sweet pastries be considered a dessert?" Tsukasa asked. _See this is why I like her more than you two. That and she had tasty looking hair, when she's not looking I'm going to clip off a piece of it then eat it. Or I could just steal her bow and rub it all over me while I take LSD and listen to Dream Theater. LSD is actually pretty cool, I've only done it one other time. I took a bit of it then watched "Apocalypse Now" with surround sound and the volume cranked all the way up, I also was wearing a flak jacket and army helmet. I had to go the hospital to get treated for Shell Shock. Now I can say that I know that 'Nam is hell. I've been there…sort of. Next time I'll do that with "Saving Private Ryan"._

"Anyways, moving on…" Konata muttered. "Unfortunately, Miyuki-san. The line for sandwiches is over there." She said and pointed at a much smaller line. _Thank Haruhi for small favors._

And so ended the slightly memorable events of that. It seemed that Konata had given up her rape campaign so I was off the hook. The festival had passed and winter break was right around the corner. Everything was looking just fine right? Wrong.

It wasn't before long that Yutaka Kobayakawa would show and take away my only true source of happiness. The only person I could go chase wild dogs with, the one person who wouldn't scold me if I made fun of kids in primary school. The girl who never said, "Hey Miyuki jumping off of this persons roof onto their trampoline may not be such a good idea!" Someone who knew how to have fun.

That person was Minami Iwasaki, and she was stolen from me.


	9. Familiarity Breeds Contempt

**MIYUKI THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE**

Tastychainsaws- I decided that maybe I should include my author's notes again. You know interact with the readers, make my self seem more human and not the "Derailer Of Miyuki". Well nothing really to say here, since there was only one review. Which I was surprised, not like in a "I'm a god where is my respect!?" way but in a "Huh, I thought I did a better job". I guess that doesn't mean that people didn't like it, but still it was a tad bit surprising. Oh yeah, maybe I should start crediting the references I make at the end, give the bands whose lyrics I "borrowed" recognition.

One big thing. Let me know what things you guys think I should change, and what I should keep doing. I know what things some people laugh at and I try to keep incorporating those styles of humor, yet I try to mix it up a bit as well. It's a difficult balance and your feedback would greatly aid me.

**BACK TO OUR MISTRESS OF MAYHEM, MIYUKI**

With winter came our wave of exams. Nothing special, except when Kuroi pulls that "show your work" nonsense. When the scale factor is included in the problem there is no work to be shown. There is never any work to be shown for me, I do it all in my head. I don't even use a calculator. For instance- 3265 multiplied by 943 is 3,078,895. Yes that is correct.

My phone rang and my concentration was brutally murdered. I answered the phone, and it was Konata asking for random advice about homework. _Two things. One- How did she get my phone number? Two- I'm just going to give some weird explanation that sounds smart so she'll leave me alone. If she fails then it's a win-win._

_The collar…on my shirt…choking me…_

"You want a trick for studying for a test?" I repeated the question.

"I was wondering how do you study?" She asked. _I read the stupid little book and take notes. You know, like they've been telling us to do since the 5__th__ grade._

"Let's see…" I began, "If you concentrate too hard, you'll wear yourself out. In my case I just follow my usual habits." _Which shall remain secret to you. It's an elaborate process where I get naked and dance while listening to Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band with Cherry. I only had a burned CD of them, and I didn't know that they were The Beatles up until a few months ago. How was I supposed to know? They go around calling themselves by a different name, I seriously thought Billy Shears was a real person!_

The following day I eagerly awaited the results of me misleading Konata.

"But it's so cute…" Tsukasa sighed, Konata was informing us on the terrorizing habits of the dreaded platypus.

"And it's claws are venomous." Konata added. _So are mine. IF you know what I mean._

"My, so it's actually quite frightening." I said. _Actually I really want one, I want like 30 of them. I want a whole brigade of attack platypus'. They could defend Fort Miyuki from intruders. I guess defense duty is the only thing they're good for, since they don't do much._

"Yo!" Kagami cried from the across the library and sat next to us.

"Kagami, how'd it go?" Konata asked, referring to the exams. _She did so bad that they have to send her to alternative school. But I doubt the gods would grant me that fortune. This is why I'm a nihilist._

"This one was pretty bad." She replied. _Yes… _"Though I maintained my standing." _No… _

"So you also do bad sometimes." Konata concluded. _Sometimes?_

"Because onee-chan helped me out, as a result I did better than usual" Tsukasa told us. _Yeah, bring her down!_

"What about you?" Kagami asked Konata. _Now let's see if my most recent mind crime was success._

"Strangle enough, I did bad." She answered. _Miyuki- 1 Mole People- 0. _"And I was so sure I'd do well."

"Nothing strange about it at all. It was inevitable." Kagami retorted. _Kagami, Grand Captain of stating the obvious._

"But you know…" Konata began, _I don't know_. "I was feeling that birds of a feather flock together." _Are you saying that I have things in common with you two? The ONLY thing we share in common is what Tsukasa and I both do with balsamic vinegar. And that secret will go to the graves with us, it's the only thing I can really be honest with her about. That stuff wont give you a yeast infection will it?_

"For example. Kagami and Miyuki-san are both class representatives. Kagami and I both play games." She explained to us. _That's like saying that swans are the same as scorpions because they both have tails and neither of them are horses._

"Well different genres though, you play dating sims and RPGs. And I play shooters." Kagami remarked. _Konata likes hentai games to fill that lonely void in her life. Kagami probably plays nothing but Halo 3 and Modern Warfare 2. And she probably uses the assault rifle in the former, those noobs are the bane of my existence. They're like, "Hurr durr I use the gun that requires you to just hold down the button and close your eyes!"_

"I was thinking that Tsukasa and I were both stupid but there was a significant gap this time." Konata said, Tsukasa jumped at this. _Your self awareness does you credit Alistair._

"Well, I'm not really concerned about doing bad." Konata went on. _What a coincidence, I'm not concerned about you doing bad either!_

"Be a little concerned." Kagami demanded. "If you slack off because everyone else did bad you'll fall behind." _I do not see this as a bad thing Kagami. Social Darwinism isn't completely psuedoscience you know._

"Actually, I didn't make any bets with my dad so I'm not really angry." Konata retorted. _I don't even want to begin to think about what those bets could be._

"You're gonna grow up to be a bad person." Kagami groaned. "If you're going to copy Miyuki take notes regularly instead of waiting till tests are coming up." _Don't tell her how to succeed! Stop being so fucking counterproductive!_

"Miyuki-san is very methodical. Textbook example of a type A person." Konata replied to her. _Classifying people by blood type is beyond gaytarded, there are only like 6 different types._

"Many people have told me that, but I'm actually type O." I clarified. _Mostly cousins I've only talked to once say that. Why do I have so many cousins!?_

"You're type O? I never would have guessed." Kagami said, sounding astonished. _This may sound a little insane Kagami…but people's personality is formed by how they grew up and their hobbies and friends. Not blood type. We're supposed to be the most advanced and industrialized nation on the planet, then people like you come and slander our reputation._

"However…" I said and went to retrieve a book, I found it instantly just by luck. "According to this book I posses many of the qualities and characteristics of type O people." _So you're all wrong. Again. _"For example…It's said that type O people tend to be childish and innocent which describes me perfectly." _I didn't witness my first murder until I was seven. I know people who had people die in their yards when they were four. Man I was brought up in a really sheltered environment._

Konata peered over and kept reading, "Type O people tend to be pushy and possessive. I guess there's another side to Miyuki-san." _What the hell book! I don't go around giving your secrets away. Like how you were printed in a Chinese sweat shop. and the blood of stolen orphans stains your creation._

"You're probably type A." Kagami said to Konata. _And you're probably type F. F for Fail._

Konata nodded, "But a lot of people mistake me for a type B." _For blunette right? Ha, see what I did there?_

"Type A people are skilled in social functions and considerate. They tend to seek peaceful human interaction?" Kagami read out loud. _Social functions and consideration? This is the girl who openly stares at my boobs and gave me a concussion. _

"Does this even match you?" _Sure, if you're a masochist. Which I guess I am occasionally. I remember last Christmas I sat next to my ten year old cousin and said, "Sometimes I take a knife and just starts slicing into my breasts, I like to see how deep I can go before I passed out from bloodloss." He started crying and I had to lie and say it wasn't true. Besides, I've only done that like three times…recently._

"I can be really sensitive to the situation." Konata replied.

"Only when it's something you're interested in."

"I'm gentle and attentive to other people." Konata told her. _Well at least I can keep that in mind when you finally go through with your rape plan._

"When it involves homework." _What? Ugh, what are you two doing with homework?_

Konata raised her eyebrows then waited a moment before talking again. "What about you, Kagami?"

"Me?" _No, the OTHER Kagami. The omnipresent godlike figure. _"I'm type B."

"So you're laid-back, rude, erratic, unconventional, naïve, and insolent, huh?" Konata listed off. _Hey! Just because I've been regularly called those things doesn't make it true! Oh, you're talking about Kagami…_

"What about it?" Kagami said in a low voice. _It's not nice to say those things about Miyuki. She may just snap and leave a horse's head in your bed. Please don't make me do that though, horse spines are a pain to cut through and killing them quietly is a whole other scenario. _

"Then Tsukasa's type AB?" Konata asked. _Okay Konata, time for yer learnins. Tsukasa and Kagami are twins- as in came from same mother, as in have same blood, as in are both type B. Learn to be smarter._

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kagami asked. _It means Konata is missing a chromosome or two._

"Why?" Tsukasa asked as well. _It means you're a "special" child. That's why Kagami puts up with you._

"Just a hunch." Konata shrugged. "If you go by personality Tsukasa would be type A and Kagami would be type B."

"We're both type B." Kagami told her. "And like, we're twins."

"That's right. Brain fart." Konata said, trying to justify her lack of knowledge. _On Konata's defense. Just because they have all the same traits and were born on the same day from the same mother doesn't HAVE to mean they're twins, does it? Oh wait, it does._

"And I'm not as laid-back as you are." _Yeah, you have dreams that will never come true._

"Speaking of horoscopes." I said, "I've also heard of ones for animals and sushi." _If we were animals then Konata would be a mud crab, Tsukasa would be a Murlock, and Kagami would be a silver fish. I'd be a Killer Whale, the ones that play with baby seals for hours before killing them._

I guess I was on acid or something because we instantly appeared in front of a computer, and I have no knowledge of what transpired before hand.

"Sushi?" Konata asked and googled sushi horoscopes. _This is why I should just shut my mouth. Sushi horoscopes go under the category of "Shit no one cares about"._

She entered my birthday and looked it up. "Let's see Miyuki would be…"

"So Miyuki would be salmon roe." Kagami finished. _Salmon!? I don't want to be those wussy little fish who get pwned by sea lions during every spawning run. I remember that story about that sea lion that would terrorize the shipping locks of Seattle, and totally mess up the salmon spawning run by killing hundreds a day just for fun. They shipped the little bastard to California and he was back up there in less than two weeks. The moral of the story is- Don't fuck with sea lions._

"Still high-class, I see." Konata commented. _I better be._

"I love salmon roe!" I lied, _Never had it._

"And what about Tsukasa and me?" Kagami asked. _Whoa, hold the phone for a second. I saw that tiny little stab at my intellect Kagami. You said "Tsukasa and ME" with hopes that I would correct you by saying "Tsukasa and I" so you could brag about your intelligence. However, I am well aware you said your sentence correctly. Stop thinking you're better than me!_

"Cucumber roll." Tsukasa read over Konata's shoulder. _Hah, those are the ones that cost like 100 yen at the sushi bars. You see that Tsukasa, you really are worthless._

"A cucumber roll, huh. Well I guess that counts as sushi. This is pretty accurate." Konata replied to her. _Yeah it's pretty accurate. Tsukasa is cheap, and barely counts as a person._

"And what about you?" An unhappy Kagami asked.

"Me?" Konata typed in her info. "Sliced ginger."

Kagami bursted out laughing while pointing at the screen. "It says sliced ginger!" _Yes, we can read. Keep it up and I'll slice your ginger, if you know what I mean._

Konata turned around and threw her hands in the air in anger. "Don't look down on ginger!"

"Well you can't have sushi without it and the horoscopes description is positive." I said, so she'd stop screaming in the library. _Ginger is like, oh say, wasabi. The world would not mourn its passing._

"That's true." Tsukasa agreed, _You don't even listen to what I say do you? It's all "Jump aboard the band-Miyuki!"_

"And cucumber rolls count as sushi, right?" Kagami asked, _Not to me they don't. _Konata shot her a death glare and made a strange noise.

Now we fast forward…

"So I'm really sleepy." Konata finished after telling us a pointless story of how she stayed up all night playing some cheap dating sim. "You probably don't play games, Miyuki-san." _Konata. Where have you been? Sure, sure, I don't play games. I'm the regional Starcraft champion but I still don't play games, I can five star everything on expert guitar on EVERY Guitar Hero game. My Xbox gamerscore is 65,000. My K/D spread in Counter Strike is 5:1 and I can No-Scope people without even trying. But sure, I don't play videogames._

"I don't have a game console…" I told her, _I have twelve. _"…but I have a computer so I occasionally play some games."

"What do you play? Didn't expect this!" Konata eagerly asked. _Mainly RPG's. I've played nearly every MMO once, and had 4 80's back in my WoW days. I also had a character in FF11 who had seven jobs maxed, I even played Runescape back before it sucked and had two skills at 99. Now I mostly stick to emulators and single player games._

"Games like Solitaire and Minesweeper. It can get pretty intense." I told her and struggled to keep a straight face. _There's no way she'll believe me, she isn't THAT dumb. Come on they have my picture up at game stores that ban me from tournaments. Being too good is a curse sometimes._

"But I know what you mean. It's actually easy to get absorbed in those simple kind of games." Tsukasa said, yet again pointlessly agreeing with me. _No you don't know, I've stayed up 60 hours straight until my eyes were literally bleeding from playing games. _"What kind of scores do you get, Yuki-chan?"

_Hmm, my highest scoring song on Guitar Hero is Operation Ground And Pound, I can get just over a million alone. _"Luck is a factor in Solitaire but I often score over ten thousand." I told her, _Can you even get that much? I wouldn't know, I've never broken 600. _"As for Minesweeper, I completed expert in under one hundred seconds the other day."

The two of them stared at me in awe. _Yeah, better keep my other gaming records a secret._

"There was a lot of sports stuff this year." Tsukasa randomly said, changing the conversation. _Tsukasa, do I honestly look like someone who cares about sports? Now I can truly test how she replies to the vaguest of vague answers._

"That one athlete got gold in figure skating at the Winter Olympics. And there was quite a fuss over high school baseball. There was that incredibly long match." I rambled on, Tsukasa actually nodded in agreement.

"And the Handkerchief Prince." _What?_

"Speaking of baseball…" Kagami appeared out the walls and said, "That one player went to America right?" _And you're expecting me to know this?_

"Is the Japan series already over?" Konata asked. _And where did she come from? Seriously I thought you two had left._

"A long time ago." Kagami replied.

"No way!" _Nothing of value was lost. _"Were there any bargain sales?" _What?_

"This year's Japan Series was between this team and that team so there weren't any supermarket or department store chains involved." Kagami answered her. _This team and that team? Sure Kagami, we can totally tell who you're talking about._

"But they had a commemorative sale." Tsukasa added. _Seriously what are you talking about? This isn't anything sexual is it? Probably is._

"But it was probably just a sale on ham." Konata muttered. _Sale on ham? Tsukasa on Kagami. Oh god!_

"Did they do that?" Tsukasa asked. _Oh so its Misao on Kagami. Sale, because Misao is cheap. Ham, because I had a dream that Kagami was riding a pig and wearing a cowboy hat while chasing after me._

"Anyway, I need to remember to do a check next year." Konata kept on muttering. _Misao and Kagami? Forgetting wouldn't be too bad, trust me._

"Knowing you you're probably just gonna buy snacks." Kagami commented. _Buying snacks… snack in this case would mean rubber fist! This is making me want to play Madlibs, too bad no one ever wants to play with me anymore. I thought my ballad of "Lesbian Seagull" was pretty amazing, especially since the subject was about Halloween candy. I make Madlibs fun._

"I'm not." Konata replied, "I need stuff like salt, sugar, and soy sauce. Those kind of household staples." _Household staples? You wouldn't mean "Objects to sex Kagami and Misao with?" would you? _"Well… Kagami wouldn't understand what I'm talking about, right?"

"So sorry! So I suck at household chores!" Kagami shouted back. _That's why Misao wants Konata instead of you. Haha you're unloved._

After our next period was finished I realized it was time for my eye drops. I hate these things beyond words.

"Eye drops? Want me to help?" Konata asked after she saw me miss my eye with one.

"Thank you so much." I subconsciously replied. _Command Miyuki, I repeat, Command to Miyuki! Abort mission, abort mission!_

She walked behind me, "Okay, lie down." For some reason I obeyed. _Oh god she has her rape face! I think my bowie knife is in reaching distance, can't be sure though. This better be a false alarm because a THIRD court hearing over a knife murder is just going to make the judge suspicious._

"Okay…relax." She cooed and held the eye drops above me.

"Y-yes." I stuttered and awaited my certain death.

"Then here I go…" She said in a low voice, _This is it. I'm going to die. I never even go to go any concerts this year either, that sucks! Then again I'm banned from Budokan and any Nine Inch Nails tours. I swear, you jump up on stage once and they label you an international threat. All I was going to do was kidnap Dream Theater's drummer, Mike Portnoy, and keep him in a cage then feed him granola. I think he'd eat that, and then maybe some peanut butter so the little guy can get his protein. This wouldn't have been such a big issue if Minami could learn how to play the drums._

She squeezed the eye drop container and I quickly shifted my face so it missed.

"Okay, relax your muscles." She ordered and used her hands to move my face back into position. _GAH! DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU'RE UNCLEAN!_

"Yes." _Great, now I'm going to have to spend the whole weekend in Minami's Finnish sauna to get clean again. And Cherry won't go in there anymore so I'll be lonely. That dog needs to toughen up, she only lost MOST of her fur from that one incident._

I closed my eyes and effective evaded another eye drop. Konata yanked my eyelid open. _Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow._

"Um, I'm sorry. I'm not doing this on purpose." I lied. _And if you don't let me go, I'm going to reach up and bite your nose off. This is not a hollow threat. _"Your face scares me!"

At that remark Konata glumly wandered off. _I better get out of here before she tries to screw us all! But really that was close one, and these run-ins are getting closer and closer. I don't know how I plan to make it through the year without at least ONE murder charge. So far I'm doing great, but it's getting more and more difficult._


	10. Insanity 1

**FIRST LIEUTENANT MIYUKI TAKARA. 67****TH**** INFANTRY DIVISION**

Normally each chapter consists of one episode of Lucky Star, but I had to make amends since chapter 10 features very little Miyuki. This chapter will also include some things that did not happen in the anime. Mainly the entire beginning part where I got…er, creative.

**ONWARDS**

I woke up at noon and was ready to start my day. I threw on my bathrobe and stumbled downstairs to get something eat. Aspirin and a shot of spiced rum seemed to be a good way to go, maybe with some leftover eel.

"Miyuki, you're not going through the liquor cabinet are you?" Mother called from the family room. _It is a known fact that the sheep that produce steel wool have no natural predators._

"No mother!" I lied and poured myself a shot, then another…then another. I went back upstairs and got dressed. It was time to see what Minami was up to, I went across the street and was eagerly greeted by Minami.

"Good morning Cherry-chan!" I said and went to open the gate, as soon as I opened it Cherry bolted between my legs and was speeding down the street. _Not my problem. _I invited myself in and found Minami in her room on her Xbox 360, _Ah we see the Minami in its natural habitat. Antisocial and playing videogames._

"What are you playing?"

"Fallout 3." She curtly replied. On screen, her green haired character had her head blown off and her body tumbled down a flight of metal stairs. "Not again, stupid fucking Enclave."

"What part are you at?" I asked and took a seat next to her.

"That part where you have to get the coordinates to go to The Crawler in that satellite place." She answered me.

"Oh come on, that part's really easy." I replied with a condescending laugh. "What do you have equipped?"

"Uh, let me see…" She said and went to her inventory, "Vance's long coat for armor and _Vampire's Edge _as a weapon."

"Why?" I asked and gave her a curious look. "Those both suck and I know you have Operation: Anchorage. Why don't you have the stuff from there?"

"I do, but that would be breaking character."

"Wait, who are you role playing as?" I asked, I assumed it was someone from some game or anime I hadn't watched.

"Myself." Was her reply.

"I don't understand."

"I don't either Miyuki-san." She replied and shook her head. "I just can't _not_ play without this gear. It's like some primal part of me is making use this subpar equipment. I don't know what it is…but it scares me. _Help me._"

She handed me the controller and took it. I browsed through her inventory and found that she had a plethora of useful weapons and armor. I couldn't, however, equip any of it. It's not that it wouldn't let me, it was just that I couldn't. My body wouldn't let me.

"You too?" Minami sighed. "I guess it can't be helped."

I jumped on her bed and found a manga to read, I lost track of time and fell asleep after a few minutes of flipping through pages. After sleeping for two hours I awoke to find Minami sitting in front of her TV playing a different game with a headset over her head.

"Whatcha doing?" I asked and sat next to her.

"Playing Gears Of War 2, horde mode." She replied, on screen one of her teammates collapsed dead next to her.

"Mind if I get a soda?"

"Go for it, just step around me, not in front of me." She replied, I ignored her and stepped in front of her. The cord to her controller came unplugged as I stepped through, then I could hear the people she was playing with through the TV.

"Hey shoot that guy with your shotgun!" Some guy yelled at her. "He's got a lancer!" On screen Minami's generic COG soldier was sawed in half in very, very grisly manner. The game ended and the screen said that she had failed on the 49th wave with only one enemy left. Minami dropped her controller and just stared at the screen, one of her teammates had a bit of a nervous breakdown at that point.

"What. The. Fuck." He said into his microphone from god-knows-where he was playing his Xbox. "Again? I was on the last enemy in Firefight on Halo ODST when this happened. We were only song number 84 on the Endless Setlist 2 when I was disconnected from Xbox LIVE. We only had Thunderbluff left when everyone quit. Why am I cursed? Why can't I just rely on my teammates just once to not fuck up an achievement for me?"

"Wow, that's guy's really mad. Cool." I said to Minami who was still in shock after losing. She went to plug in her controller back in but I stopped her. "Wait, let's hear him go on."

"This is the final straw. I don't know who you are but I'm going to find you and kill you." He threatened Minami from some untold amount of miles away. "Then if you have a dog I'm going to cook it and eat it in front of one of your friends, you have a dog don't you? Probably a big fluffy white Border Collie, Retriever mix named after a fruit. I bet you and said friend are listening too. Listen up said friend, I can run faster horny than you can scared. You better not have pink wavy hair either, that enrages me."

"Uh…" Minami and I said in unison. We just sat there in awe and listened to this guy go on for nearly an hour until his ramblings became completely nonsensical.

"My heart was a war drum by jugular cults in eerie jungle vaults…" He kept going in his abnormally calm and monotone voice, "When number thirteen fell in my lap lips and skin like sin, a Venus Mantrap. My appetite whetted, storm crows wheeled at the blurred edges or reason 'til I was fulfilled. Whors d'oeuvres eaten, I tucked Her into a grave coffin fit for the queen of spades. She went out like the light in my mind, her face an avalanche of pearl, of ruby wine. Much was a flux, but the mouth once good for fucks came from retirement to prove she not lost her touch. I kissed her viciously, maliciously, religiously. But when has one been able to separate the three? I know I'm sick as Dahmer did, but this is what I do. Ah, ah, ah, I will let you sleep when I am through."

"Did he just say he was going to do unspeakable thing to your face?" I asked her.

"Okay I'm reporting this guy." Minami said and brought up the correct screen. She went to file a complaint and it asked for the guy's name. "What was his gamer tag again?"

"Uh, hold on I know this…" I replied and thought for a moment, "Tastychainsaws! That was it."

"Right." Minami nodded and typed in his name. "God, what a freak."

"Yeah, I bet he writes fan fiction too. Probably sitting in his grandparents basement alone with a slice of birthday cake and Dr. Pepper while writing fan fiction and including himself. God, what a loser. Probably doesn't have any friends either. No doubt sitting there in incredible pain after a dentist drilled a hole in his tooth and only gave part of it a filling, bastard deserves it."

I hung around a bit longer, but when Minami got drawn into games, _she got drawn in to games. _So I took my leave and went to find something else to do. Browsing through my cell phone, I looked for someone on my contacts to talk to. I felt very lonely when I realized that Minami, my mother, and Tsukasa were the only people I had on there. Well, calling Tsukasa may not be a bad idea…I knew I was going to regret this.

"Hello?" Tsukasa answered.

"Good afternoon Tsukasa-san, it's Miyuki." I replied. _Miyuki, what are you doing? You know this isn't going to end well._

"Oh hey Yuki-chan, how's it going?" Tsukasa asked, she sounded a little upset. _Probably ran out of mayonnaise or something._

"Is something wrong?" I asked, _Seriously Miyuki this is a bad idea._

"Kind of, just a lot of things piling up over the last few days." She answered. _Good for you, now why am I not hanging up?_

"Why don't you tell me what's wrong Tsukasa-san, I'd be glad to hear about your problems." I told her, _Great now we learn Tsukasa is a closet kitten eater._

"Sometimes I try to do things and it just doesn't work out the way I wanted to." She started, _Oh god, I know where this is going. This is going to be a long rant about all her problems_, "I get real frustrated and I try hard to do it and I take my time and it doesn't work out the way I wanted to. It's like I concentrate real hard and it doesn't work I do and everything I try never turns out. It's like I need time to figure these things out. But there's always someone there going, 'Hey Tsukasa, you know we've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately. You know, maybe you should get away and maybe you should talk about it, maybe you'll feel a lot better.'" _I have unleashed the floodgate that is Tsukasa's mind. _

"Oh dear." I said, _I KNEW something was wrong with her. Now others are catching on, I started the trend though. They're all posers._

"And I go, 'No it's okay, you know I'll figure it out, just leave me alone I'll figure it out. You know I'll just work by myself.' And they go, 'Well you know if you want to talk about it I'll be here you know and you'll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it.'. And I go, 'No I don't want to I'm okay, I'll figure it out myself and they just keep bugging me and they just keep bugging me and it builds up inside and it builds up inside…'"

"My, that sounds certainly frustrating." I replied to her long little rant, "Has this been going on awhile?"

"Not really, no." Tsukasa sighed, "But the other day I scared my mom pretty bad, and she reacted really bad."

"What happened?" _Don't ask questions! Great, now you get to listen to her go on even more now._

"I was in my room and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about everything but then again I was thinking about nothing. And then my mom came in and I didn't even know she was there, she called my name and I didn't even hear it, and then she started screaming TSUKASA! TSUKASA! And I go, 'What, what's the matter?' And she goes, 'What's the matter with you?' I go, 'There's nothing wrong mom.' And she goes, 'Don't tell me that, you're on drugs!' And I go, 'No mom I'm not on drugs I'm okay, I was just thinking you know, why don't you get me a pepsi?' And she goes, 'NO you're on drugs!' I go, 'Mom I'm okay, I'm just thinking.' She goes, 'No you're not thinking, you're on drugs! Normal people don't act that way!' I go, 'Mom just give me a Pepsi please'. All I want is a Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me. All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me. Just a Pepsi!"

"I…uhh…" _I don't have any fucking clue how to reply to that. You're on drugs, cool?_

She didn't stop there, "I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in and they pulled up a chair and they sat down, they go, 'Tsukasa, we need to talk to you.' And I go, 'Okay what's the matter?' They go, 'Me and your mom have been noticing lately that you've been having a lot of problems, you've been going off for no reason and we're afraid you're gonna hurt somebody, we're afraid you're gonna hurt yourself. So we decided that it would be in your interest if we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you need.' Then I go, 'Wait, what do you mean, what are you talking about, we decided!? My best interest?! How can you know what's my best interest is? How can you say what my best interest is? What are you trying to say, I'm crazy? When I went to your schools, I went to your churches, I went to your institutional learning facilities?! So how can you say I'm crazy!?'"

I hung up the phone then. If Tsukasa didn't show up for school tomorrow then I know what happened to her.

I've heard that colds are lasting longer this year so I need to get better quickly. And to do this I needed to head down to the clinic to get vaccinated and OF COURSE the number I choose is 78. _Based on my number I'll probably be here awhile. I'll read while I wait._

My book of choice was Stephen King's _The Talisman, _I popped it open and began reading. Ten pages in- Nothing had happened. Twenty more pages- Still nothing. Page eighty- _Okay this is getting ridiculous, this is just been about some fruity kid wandering back and forth while hanging up with the token minority. _I then realized that I was the only one still waiting. _Wait!? What!? Did they call me? What time is it?_

_I need to pay more attention to my surroundings. _I was only way home and dreamily staring out the window. Maybe after another hundred page _The Talisman _would actually have something happen in it.

"We well soon arrive at the final stop, Kamata." The overhead intercom informed me. _Where am I!?_

More blank spaces here, I think I got into a fight with a badger but I can't say for sure. Meth is one hell of a drug.

"And the smell is beyond words." I finished another conversation about dolphins.

"Right? It just stinks too much." Kagami agreed. _Oh like you would know. Been paying a few up close visits with dolphins at the aquarium? Your treachery knows no bounds._

"Seriously." I said in both polite Miyuki, and evil Miyuki.

Konata was going through all her porn on Kagami's cell phone, "You've got a lot of stuff saved on there."

"Stop going through that!" Kagami barked and stole her cell phone back.

"You've got messages that shouldn't be seen?" Konata asked. _Considering how much she texts Tsukasa, I certainly hope not. If they were in an incest relationship then I wouldn't be surprised._

"Not really. No reason." Kagami replied curtly. _Oh so you're proud of the phone sex with your sister._

"It's a man. Definitely a man." Konata squealed. _Tsukasa is not a man. I've secretly watched her bathe enough times to tell._

"It's not!" Kagami screamed back at her. _Tsukasa is not an IT, she's a mole rat. Get it right. Also, it's no surprise that you would know her gender. Been a bit of a Peeping Kyon? YOU HAVE HAVEN'T YOU!?_

That weekend the three of them stayed at Konata's. Without inviting me of course. _Oh let's all exclude Miyuki…again!_

Well that was all good and find with me, I curled up with my laptop and a two-liter of Dr. Pepper and decided to be lonely for the night. Except Tsukasa texted me so I wouldn't be lonely. _Great, now I feel wanted. This sucks. Now let me give her some BS reply that'll keep her off my perfect back._

"I'm glad you're having fun. I'm trying hard to finish my homework right now. Please invite me again next time." _Of course I finished my homework hours ago. I even had enough time to practice my knife fighting skills. Sucks to be the farmer of all those cattle I killed. Whatever, it was for a good cause. Zombie defense is ALWAYS a good cause._

Now back to class we go!

"Hey Yuki-chan, I didn't get this part in class earlier." Tsukasa said to me and showed me her work. _What the fuck Tsukasa, cosine 36 over 19. Not that hard to figure out._

"That part?" I said and pointed at her failed attempt at trigonometry. _More like FRIGonometry amirite?_

"Konata leads to Kona-chan. Miyuki leads to Yuki-chan." Konata said out loud. _Oh not this Yuki-chan crap again! _"Then what nickname would you use for Kagami? Kaga-chan? Gami-chan?" _If anyone gets to be Gami-chan it's me._

"Maybe Kyo-chan?" Tsukasa suggested, "Pronounce Kagami a different way. Kyo." _Irritating Bitch also works, it's a bit more of a mouthful than Kyo though. But I guess Konata would be used to that thing probably considering the way her dad behaves. The song "Prison Sex" by "Tool" comes to mind. I know I'm pushing the limits of my evil thoughts with that one, but SHE GAVE ME A CONCUSSION. I'm half tempted to say this out loud, her feelings mean nothing to me at this point. "I've got my hands bound, my head down, my eyes closed, and my throat wide open." I wonder if those lyrics would mean anything to her?_

Konata nodded quickly, "Good naming sense. It feels strong like her too. And you could use this Kyo-chan too!" _Which Kyo-chan? _

"Th-that wasn't my intention." Tsukasa stuttered. _Uhh, did I miss something? _"We should probably not tell onee-chan."

"Then what nickname would you give yourself?" Konata asked her. _None, you don't get to pick your names. _"Tsuka-chan? Kasa-chan?

"Hi-chan I guess." Tsukasa replied. "It's harder with my first name."

"I see." _No you don't, your eyes are closed. _"You give off the whole hi-hi image."

"That wasn't my intention…" Tsukasa sweat dropped. _Because all your intentions involve mayonnaise._

"Okay." Konata said and raised her finger. "Then I'll start calling you Hi-chan." _Mayo-chan works great for me. _Tsukasa gave her a look of extreme surprise. "Huh?"

"But it feels kind of weird if I choose it myself." Tsukasa sighed. _Nonsense. My online name is TakaraChainsaws and I made that up myself. That's what everyone calls me._

"What about that?" Konata asked while pointing at Sebastion. _Oh he's probably looking for gum to eat off the floor._

"That?" He said in surprise.

"Doesn't matter." Tsukasa replied. _FINALLY we can agree on something. Go back to your hole smelly, you are not welcome._

"Want revenge Sebastion?" Konata asked him. _Him Vs. Tsukasa? Now that's a fight I'd be willing to see. Tsukasa gets a trench knife while he gets a baseball bat. Winners gets to go into unarmed combat with me._

"Name's Shiraishi." He said under his breath. _Shut up, you don't get a name!_

**A VERY ANTICLIMATIC ENDING**

So we can see here that Miyuki has pretty much lost her mind at this point. This marks the third instance of me self inserting myself into a story. Except this is the first time I've been ballsy enough to use my actualy pretend name. All those things that I listed off actually happened to me, this is why I hate endurance kind of achievements in games. Maybe next chapter will be a bit lengthier depending on how much Miyuki appears.

Anyways credit to all of the following whose names or likeliness I used in this chapter- Gary Larson's _The Far Side_, _Fallout 3_, My own story _Falling Stars_, _Gears of War 2_, _Halo 3: ODST, Rockband 2, World of Warcraft, Cradle of Filth's _song _Lord Abortion_, _Suicidal Tendancies' _song _Institutionalized_, _Stephen King's _book _The Talisman_, _Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya_, and _Tool's _song _Prison Sex_.


	11. Insanity 2

**MIYUKI, THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE**

I gotta say I like the love that insane Miyuki is getting, and that I pulled off screen Miyuki rather well. Anyways we will see more insanity, more insults, and we find out that someone we know isn't exactly who we think they are…

Oh yeah, great speculation Armor Blade. I won't spoil anything but your predictions aren't too far off.

**MIYUKI!**

"We saw a shooting star the other day…" Konata walked up to me and said. _And I saw your mom, oh wait I didn't. Because she's DEAD! _"…but Kagami said something about the wishing three times thing being unrealistic."

"Shooting stars are so wonderful. I haven't seen many of them. It's difficult to see stars from our house." I said in my normal dumbfuck demeanor. _Especially when they crash down to earth and obliterate everything you love and cherish._

"Right, your house is in the city, right?" Konata replied. _No, it's in some upper class suburbs. Yeah they invented those in the 1880's. You're like North Korea sometimes. You have trouble embracing the 20__th__ century, nonetheless the 21__st__._

"I would probably be too amazed to have time to make a wish." I dreamily said. _Or I wouldn't care. It's a little white streak in the sky, woopty-fucking-doo. _"The sight of a dazzling, shining star would fill you with feelings of joy. That would explain the myth that shooting stars grant wishes."

I was crying on the inside while Tsukasa and I giggled like autistic children.

"It's almost winter break." Tsukasa said as we sat down to eat lunch.

"But we have finals first." Kagami interjected. _Cool, no one asked._

"Do you have any plans for winter break?" Konata asked her. _Probably doing "Family" stuff. Which means twincest._

"Nothing." Kagami curtly replied with her chopsticks in her mouth. "Reminds me, we haven't taken a vacation in awhile." _That's because you're poor and your parents don't love you._

"I went to Asakusa the other day." Konata told her, _And you should have stayed there. _

"When was that?" Kagami asked.

Konata scratched the back of her head and gave a guilty look. "You know how you get sleepy on the train during winter?" _No, I keep my senses sharp incase of zombies. _

Then Tsukasa spoke up, "Huh? But isn't that the opposite direction?" _Hmm, well played Mayo-chan. Well played._

"The train reached the end of the line and turned around and then I missed my stop again. By the time I was conscious, we were in Asakusa." Konata explained. _What did you do? Get piss drunk and pass out the whole way home and back?_

"Hey now. You can only miss your stop so many times." Kagami said in disbelief, Konata sighed at that. _Remember who we're dealing with then think that over again._

"But it wasn't entirely a bad thing." Konata stammered, trying to justify her slip up. "Since I hadn't visited Asakusa in a while." _Next time just stay there. Your dad can find some other underage girl to play "doctor" with._

"Shouldn't be doing that right before finals." Kagami remarked. _Why? She might get held back, or kill herself. Suicide rates are up this year. We're top ten when it comes to suicides, Norway being number 1. I'm determined for us to make that spot._

"And I had a feeling I saw a girl in a sailor uniform with a machine gun walk by. What was that about?" Konata said rhetorically. _For your information it was a XM214 Gatling Gun. And wait, how did you not know it was me!? What was I doing with a 130 pound machine gun down there anyways?_

"Don't tell me someone was making a hit." Kagami muttered. _Not EXACTLY making a hit. Let's just say I HATE zoo animals and leave it at that._

"And you know, sleeping helps you grow more!" Konata blurted out randomly. _The results don't show with you. _

"I got an even better one!" Konata shouted out, _Your mom fell asleep and never woke up? _"My dad pulled an all-nighter and then went to turn in a manuscript. He got on an early morning train but missed his stop then it reached the end and made a U-turn and when he woke up, he'd already missed his stop and this happened a few more times. He started to wake up when he got close to his station but he'd still end up missing it. He was tired and wanted to get home and sleep, but he couldn't get home. In the end, he no longer knew which direction he was going whenever he woke up."

"Unbelievable." Kagami said. "I always wake up before my stop if I fall asleep.

"That's amazing! How do you know?" Tsukasa chimed in. _Not really, I do that all the time. My MP3 player has an alarm._

"Maybe she has an internal alarm clock. Though it doesn't work all the time." Konata suggested. _I have a real one, you fail once again Kagami. _

"What was that?" Kagami said under her breath. _She said that you're fat, ugly, and have no friends._

"Since she's always snacking away." _I snack away and it doesn't show at all. Except for the fact that I've had to get four root canals and twenty-three fillings. A world without dentists would be a happy world…_

"Stop it!" Kagami shouted and smacked her on the head. _Why am I not allowed to hit people? Some days I just wanna come to school and smack Ayano around for an hour or two but NOOOOO._

"But train seats are really warm so you get really sleepy." Tsukasa added. _That warmth is from the butts of people __you don't know_.

"That's true. It's all warm and fuzzy like you're sitting next to the window in the classroom on sunny winter afternoon." Konata dreamily replied.

"What's this, covering each other?" Kagami said in her normal snobby tone. _You're just jealous that nobody covers for you, because you don't have any other friends because of how unlikable you are. It says so right here in your personal file; 'Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter unlikable loner whose passing shall not be mourned.' SHALL NOT BE MOURNED_. _That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you're adopted. So that's funny too._

"I-it's not like that!" Tsukasa stuttered and waved her arms in protest.

"The other day…" Kagami began, I could smell another bad story brewing, "When I tried to wake you up on the ride home…She yelled out half asleep. Everyone around was laughing." _Uhh…You forgot to tell us what she said._

"One of my friends did that in class once." Konata replied. _Bullshit, you don't have friends._

"Sheesh." Kagami groaned, "Birds of a feather." _Take buckshot better._

"But why five minutes?" Konata asked, _because it's phonetically pleasing. _

But of course Kagami answered her, "Well, if you went to wake someone up and they were like 'give me another hour', wouldn't you be pissed?" _No, I do this all the time too. My mother will say, "Miyuki you're four hours late for school please get up!" And I reply with, "Gimme another hour or two…"_

"Well that's true…" _No it's not. _"…but five minutes comes up in a lot of other situations. Like, wait just five minutes!"

"You have a point." Kagami admitted. _No she doesn't, she doesn't EVER have a point._

"Maybe 'cause it isn't too long or too short?" Konata suggested. _Or maybe we could forget about this stupid conversation all together and play the quiet game. _"Though the five-minute wait for the train feels really long."

"Sure does!" Tsukasa automatically agreed. I did my normal eye-smile nonsense and said nothing.

"Guess so." Kagami shrugged. "But then again, people who say to wait five minutes tend to make you wait a lot longer." _She's right about that. Minami waited over night at that vending machine after I ditched her for some nachos._

On the way off the train after school Konata managed to spark another pointless conversation.

"You know how people say not to use your cell or put on make-up on the train?" Konata asked. _Vaguely. _"But it's a lot worse when the person next to you leans on you." _Oh? Like how you were doing that to me?_

"They're so heavy." Tsukasa agreed. _So Kagami was leaning on you. _"And you end up wanting to stand after managing to get a seat."

"And when you're stuck with the sticky head of an old person." Kagami added. _What a deep, riveting conversation. Sticky old people._

"Sometimes I try to shove them off, but they somehow manage to keep returning to the same position." Konata went on. _That's because they're pedophiles who like the smell of crab meat._

"Yeah, yeah." Kagami said as we passed through the gates out of the station.

Now it was Tsukasa's turn, "When I fall asleep and there's a man on one side and an empty seat on the other I try to lean myself towards the empty seat, but for some reason, I always end up leaning the other way."

"Guess your body feels more comfortable leaning a certain way." Konata suggested. _Ohhh Tsukasa you're just going to take that? She's totally hinting that you like cuddling up with random strangers._

_My turn I guess, I haven't said anything in hours… _"When I see someone leaning over, I shrink up like this." I demonstrated by pressing my arms close to my sides. _Then they fucking elbow me… _"Then their elbow hits my side."

"Doesn't that mean they're actually awake?" Konata asked. _They better not be, I get elbowed in boobs a lot more than I'm comfortable with._

"Really?" I said in mock surprise. We arrived at the spot where we split ways. My favorite part of the day.

"Good-bye." I said with a bow and prepared to go home to play some Gears 2.

"You know how some people at our school take the inbound train home and some people take the outbound train home?" Konata decided to ask. _Yesss, trains go both way Konata. Not that hard to figure out. _"Don't the ones who take the inbound train look more refined somehow?"

"Since Yuki-chan's an inbounder." Tsukasa commented. _Don't discriminate me by class you neo-nazi. It's not my fault I'm better than you._

"That's not…" I muttered, _No point in even replying intelligently. My intellect is wasted here._

"Yeah, yeah." Konata said and turned to walk home. "Back to the farm, fellas." _Where you belong._

When I arrived home my mother asked me what I wanted for Christmas presents. I hate Christmas because I only ever want like one thing, then I get a whole bunch of crap from relatives I really don't want. Then I'm forced to smile and say that I like it and then throw it away when they're not looking. This years Christmas list for me was simple. The game _Brutal Legend_, that was ALL I wanted.

Speaking of Christmas…

"I didn't get any studying done yesterday." Kagami groaned, we were in our normal class setting. _Neither did I, but I'm so smart that it doesn't matter._

"I actually put in a lot of effort this time. If I do say so myself." Konata said to our amazement. _What you actually managed to open the book?_

"How much studying did you?" I could resist asking.

"Only four hours." Kagami said.

"A whole four hours!" Konata said in unison with her.

"Huh?" They repeated in unison. _And I study about twenty minutes and manage to top both of you. You should both go and just end it now. I have a good idea on how to do so. First tie some cheese wire around your necks then tie that to some part of a medium sized buildings roof. Our school would be perfect. The glue your hands to each others faces and jump. The wire will behead you and it'll look like you pulled each others faces off!_

Konata picked up Kagami's test and looked at it, "You're good at everything, Kagami." _If she's good then what am I?_

"Well, I do a lot of studying." Kagami replied somewhat modestly, "Just between you and me." _And Miyuki who is still sitting right here._

"You're definitely really competitive." Konata remarked. _Haha, she cares about winning. _

"Well, maybe it's my pride as the older sister. I feel like I have to be ahead of Tsukasa. Though I usually say neither of us is really older or younger. I used to be pretty worried about that stuff." Kagami told her. _Haha, you're proud to be related to Tsukasa. If she was my sister I'd keep her in the basement and feed her peanut butter. I think she'd eat that. _"But Tsukasa probably wasn't much competition." Konata smirked. Tsukasa had just walked up when she said that. _Okay Tsukasa this when you snap and punch Konata straight in the fucking ovaries. It eliminates the threat of her kids coming after me if I finally snap and kill her family or something._

"Well, that's true…" Kagami said, completely oblivious to her sister behind her.

"It's almost Christmas!" Tsukasa said like nothing had happened. _But she'll slit her wrists later in sadness, so it's all good._

"I wonder what my present will be this year." Konata wondered. _Rape. _

"You still get presents." Tsukasa half remarked, half mocked, "How long did you believe in Santa Claus?" _Me? Until I was five and my uncle died in our fire place. NOT my fault._

"Santa Claus isn't real?" Konata stared at Tsukasa in disbelief. _Once again Konata never ceases to amaze me. She still probably thinks she'll get a letter accepting her to Hogwarts still._

I gave Kagami a handout from earlier then went to take a nap at my desk. _Gears of War 2_ had recently become my game of choice and I stayed up all night playing it…again. _I'm getting pretty damn good with the Torque Bow, I can almost get headshots with it every time. And if I get the sniper rifle…Oh ho ho ho, let's just say I'm an "avoided player" for a lot of people._

I was lazily dreaming about the time my dad got beaten up by the lead singer for _Tool _at one of their shows. _I think that's the only cool thing my dad has ever done. He ran up on stage to give Maynard Keenan a hug and the guy flips him on the ground, puts him in a headlock, then continues singing the song WHILE sitting on him. Pretty awesome in my opinion._

"My cavity started hurting recently." Tsukasa said, pulling me away from my thoughts.

"My, how dreadful." I remarked honestly. _My teeth are in constant pain, I know full well how awful that feels._

"I really can't stand dentists." She said. _Yeah, they're heartless profiteers. On my first root canal they stopped midway and just gave it half a filling and told me to come back a month later. So I had to spend a month only eating with one side of my mouth because the other had a tooth that had a massive painful hole in it. _"You went to see the dentist for your cavity the other day. Is it better now?" _No, never is._

"Dentists take a long time on each tooth…" I replied, not really knowing where I was going with this. "…and they have to repeat the procedure for every tooth, so it takes a long time right? So I end up escaping after making a number of excuses. What to do?" _I am so freakin' high right now…My teeth hurt so bad that I've turned to morphine to make them stop hurting. I should probably stop since that stuff's supposed to be really addictive._

Before I could even react both Konata and Kagami had morphed out of the ground and were next to us.

"There sure are a lot of cases with adults going after children." Kagami said gravely.

"Indeed…" I agreed. _Just the other day some old dude with blue hair tried hitting on me. Not. Very. Cool._

"I was thinking…" Konata began, _That's a first. _"If you teach kids martial arts wouldn't there be a decrease in that kind of stuff?" She demonstrated her point with a few punches to the air. _Maybe, knife play works better. Trust me. _"After much training Master Oyama was able to be a cow with his bare hands, with one blow." _Wooptydoo, I can do that with a knife._ "…And bears toppled like trees after a couple of hits!" _Once again more stuff I can do with a knife._

"I see." Kagami said after Konata kicked at the air. "But won't that come back to haunt you?" _Not if you castrate the bear the right way. _"When those kids grow up the adults will be strong too."

"U-um…" Konata stuttered at the thought of a world full of trained killers. "You know… People say training in the martial arts helps you mature as a person."

"I see." Kagami nonchalantly replied. "There's someone who does martial arts and hasn't matured right here." _Fuck you Kagami, I call it knife play and I'm a lot more mature than you are!_

"How rude!" Konata yelped. _Don't defend me! _She then completely derailed the conversation, "I have this cousin, Yui nee-san's little sister, who's entering high school next year." _Great, another waste of space to stamp out my sanity. I'm not even going to hold back on this one, I'll just go crazy on that little girl and make her life hell. I deserve it. _"She's physically weak…" _Good, good. _"…but she's sweet and pure and really adorable." _You're making this too easy. I can break her body AND soul? _"…But I started thinking about how a healthy spirit leads to a healthy body, I start feeling something dark is lurking behind those shining eyes."

"I doubt aphorisms are universal. Look at you." Kagami curtly replied. _I saw you just shift your eyes at me! Anyways, maybe if she's all dark and evil then she'll be cool. Maybe Minami and I could add her to our group or something._

"Okay!" Kuroi shouted across the classroom after some unknown length of time had passed. "There's an early present from your teacher!" _You're going to shoot yourself in front of us? If so then I hope you get some brain matter on my shoes. _"Here are your report cards!" _That's not a present, even if I did get all 100's._

"I wonder what kind of Christmas cakes will be good this year!" Tsukasa happily said after we reformed our little group/prison block. _The same kind that were good last year. Time for me to give some rambling random reply._

"When you go to a bakery there are so many cute cakes that you can have fun just looking." _Then trying to see how many you can steal._

"What happens to the cakes that weren't sold before Christmas?" Konata actually asked. _They get thrown away? What do you want from me?_

"Perhaps the employees take them home." I suggested.

"But if nobody takes them, they might throw them away." Tsukasa added. _Yeah, big deal._

"They often compare marriage to Christmas." Konata said just as Kuroi was walking by. _A subtle attack Konata, not bad._

"Like how twenty-five is the end of the line." Tsukasa added to the attack. _So I only have to make it to 25 and then I don't have to worry about marriage. I can do that._

That about the extent of our conversations before we went off for Christmas break. I was dreading it, this was the time of the year that mother made me stay with family. I hate family oh so very much and I'm going to make sure they know. So I was going to spend as much time with Minami as I could before I left. I walked to her home after getting off of school and found her sitting in the corner of her room in the fetal position.

"Uhh…Did I miss something?" I asked, she replied by pointing at her computer which had a doujin opened up. I sat down and clicked it back to the first page, it was titled _Hell Season_.

Now I have never had a problem with gore, or guro for that matter, but after reading this I vomited on Minami's floor. Very violently, in fact. _Hell Season _was…it was just something else. Now I had to go deal with family while this monstrosity was still on my mind.

**NEXT TIME- A VERY MERRY MIYUKI CHRISTMAS**

Ahem, credit to- _Portal, Beavis & Butthead_, _Gears of War 2, Brutal Legend_, _Harry Potter_, _Tool_ (Speaking of which, the singer really did do that to a fan during a concert), _Hell Season_.

A little fun tidbit on _Hell Season_. That very well may be the most extreme, disgusting, horrifying guro doujin ever created. For the love of Haruhi, do NOT look this up. I'll summarize everything it includes- Quad-amputee, twincest, ass-to-mouth, EXTREME gore, and human waste. All at the same time.


	12. Insanity 3

**MIYUKI THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE CHAPTER 12- INSANITY PART 3**

So yeah it's been awhile, but I'm picking this story up. It's too much fun for me to forsake any longer, and it's a good motivator to get me to work on my other stuff. I'm tweaking my formula a bit, and making Miyuki more sociopathic, and all around just a person you wouldn't want to be around. While keeping it funny. So there will probably be more drug and alcohol references, but they'll be there for stark humor and nothing else, and only occasionally. I also don't condone it very much either, well more so I don't really care.

Another thing I'm changing. Less western video games and song references. I went a little overboard on that, so I'm limiting it more to internet memes and anime. If I do something western, I've checked to make sure that it's something Miyuki would actually know about, as in it has some place in Japan.

One last little thing- This chapter was _heavily _inspired by the anime _Detroit Metal City_.

**HERE WE GO AGAIN!**

"I was talking about Santa Claus with Kona-chan the other day." Tsukasa told me bright and early the next day. "How long did you believe in Santa, Yuki-chan?" _How long did I believe in a overweight man who flew reindeer to MILLIONS of houses in one night to deliver presents based on some point system he created? About as long as I believed in Manbearpig. _"It feels like you would have been a true believer like me." _No Tsukasa, just no. Whatever, I'll play her little game..._

"I also believed in Santa Claus." I lied, _I was only born into the most technologically advanced nation whose people seldom identify themselves with any religion. Why wouldn't I believe in something like that? _"When I was little, I tried to send a letter of gratitude to Santa Claus, and did some research. But I didn't learn much after asking my parents..." _Because you know how that always goes... I swear, if my mother and I didn't look so much alike then I would think I was adopted. _"...so I did some thorough investigation..." _I went on Wikipedia and Futaba Channel, _"...and I learned of the people Santa Claus was based on..." _That was on Wikipedia. On 2chan they just posted pictures of a doujin with Santa making love to Osaka from Azumanga, that wasn't cool. _"...and once I saw the phrase 'origin of Santa Claus' pop up...my dreams were quickly shattered."

Konata and Tsukasa gasped in fear at that, like...well I don't have a simile for that. _Speaking of that Azumanga doujin, I have to say that it was actually about the worst I've seen out of them. Most other shows with an all female cast are generally ripped to pieces in doujins. K-On! for example, perfect example, every last one of those doujins you see online are just plain tasteless. "Ritsu The Pay Toilet", "Black Time", the one where Mio gets all fat, the one where Ui masturbates while wearing her sisters clothes and Yui ends up kicking her ass... They're all fucked up!_

"How'd you do, Miyuki-san?" Konata asked, shattering my train of thought. _How'd I do at what? Don't ask me questions right now, I'm really, really high right now. _"Lemme see!"

She then took my report card off my desk, the very one I had drawn a rather good picture of Gatsu standing over the corpses of the entire cast of _Spice and Wolf_. _Except Horo, fanservice gets to live!_

"Just what you'd expect from Yuki-chan. I could never do so well." Tsukasa said in amazement, I was noticeably fidgeting in my seat. _Oh god, they know I'm really not all nice any more. Nice people don't draw Lawrence's head on the end of Dragonslayer!_

"I feel a little pissed about losing." Konata grumbled, _I bet she drew a terribad picture of Haruhi and Kyon getting it on. Now she's jealous of my work. I don't even draw that much, and I still am better than you. Hm, I wonder if I can get that doujin I wrote with Sakaki getting eaten by cats into a published work..._

"Yuki-chan's at the top of our class so it's hopeless. We could never beat her." Tsukasa kindheartedly said. _Wait, are you talking about my grades? _I felt into the pocket of my skirt and pulled out the drawing I did. _Ohhhhh...Okay, I'm a lot more high than I thought I was. I'm hearing victory music from a video game and the background behind Tsukasa is purple and black. All I smoked was __resin too..._

"No. I don't care about her grades..." Konata interrupted. _FUCK, she is talking about the drawing...that's in my hand? Okay, I'm confusing myself now. _"...but stuff like bust size. Look whoa!"

I think my head literally exploded when I heard her say that. _Get over yourself you flat chested freak! I'm a god damned 75D! That's not that big! That's fucking average in the States and Europe. AVERAGE!_

And I'll cut it off there, nothing cool happened afterwords. Not that those events were in anyway cool... Anyways, we had a break then some other stuff happened. Like me shocked my static electricity on my way to class.

"Didn't you get shocked by static electricity?" Tsukasa asked Konata after we all faced that trial by static.

"Nope." Konata replied in an obnoxious voice.

"Why's that?" Tsukasa asked. _Because she has leukemia or something. Just...something..._

"Konata's always sitting in front of the computer..." Kagami began answering. _I spent the weekend drinking coffee and discussing guro online with people. Yet I still got shocked. _"...so her bodies already full of weird waves?" _Do you think before you open your mouth? Because that was the stupidest thing I've heard anyone say all week._

"Still, I really can't stand winter." I said randomly, _Not my fault, I'm high...no wait, no I'm not. Then I guess I'm just...not sober? I don't even know anymore. I hate life..._

"And I heard you can get shocked just by touching someone's hand." Kagami added, ignoring my random statement. _It's fun to sneak up on Minami and do that to her when she's bathing or something. You think that would lead to something sexual, like from a doujin online, but it doesn't. I'm glad life isn't like that. Now I don't have to worry about being forced to have a baby with my brother to see if it would be born with regenerative properties. Waita Uziga is my hero, even Marty Friedman gets inspiration from him. God, how do you go from being the lead guitarist of Megadeth to Japanese TV? They're not exactly related._

Kagami decided to test her theory by shocking Tsukasa. They both yelped in pain for several minutes while I just contently watched.

Later that morning Konata approached me, despite all those talks I gave her about personal space. "Got any plans for the end of the year?" _Certainly none that involve you._

"Izumi-san." I greeted her, _Oh how I want to crown you with my textbook... _

"There's this festival and I was wondering if you'd like to go..." She asked. _Finally, I can say no to her without anything going wrong. No one can make plans for me! _

"A festival for the end of the year?" I asked, _I'd rather swallow a hot coal. _"Sounds like fun."

Konata nodded, "It'll be lots of fun!" _Just how many lots?_

"Is it something like a snow festival?" I asked her, _Then I could stab you in the neck with an ice sickle then just say it was freak accident. Well, a happy accident is a better term. _"But I'm going to visit relatives..." _And finally win the stupid fucking talent show..._

Kagami stuck up being Konata and comfortably pushed her head down with her arms. "Pretty sure that I received a similar invitation back in the summer."

"Kagami-san." I absentmindedly said.

"I'll translate what Konata said." Kagami said, _Her catch phrase? "I suck cocks." _"She wants her buddies to buy stuff for her at Comic Market. I was totally freaked out by the site when I went."

"I'm not lying." Konata grumbled, _About what? _"A festival is a festival. It's all work and no fun if you're by yourself." _Why am I listening to this? I need to be practicing for my act in that talent show. I WILL fucking murder someone if some kids do a stupid play and win again. My cover of that Burzum song was pretty good, but I still lost. I should have imitated Varg Vikernes and killed my bandmates, that sure worked out for Burzum. Then afterwords I should have burned some churches for good measure. Those are all great ways to become famous._

I then rushed home after school, grabbed my guitar, and ran into Minami's room as she was changing.

"Miyuki-san, knock first, I'm getting dressed!" She growled at me, and tried to cover up.

"No time for clothes, must practice!" I snapped back, and threw my guitar case on the bed. "Did you get that Marshall amp I told you to buy?"

"No, it was like 50,000 yen! Now get out of my room!" Minami shouted.

"Fine, I'll go home and grab mine." I grumbled and stepped out of her door, I then peered back into relay one more message, "Oh yeah, Cherry got loose again!"

I returned ten minutes later with my 30kg amp in my arms, and dropped it on her floor. Despite Minami's protests, I began plugging everything in.

"Seriously Miyuki, could you please ask before just setting up all your guitar stuff in my room? Because my parents don't like you making their ears bleed with how loud you make that thing go." Minami sighed, obviously discontent with what I was doing.

"I don't believe in asking permission." I retorted and slung the guitar over my shoulder. "Now tell me how this sounds. It's what I'm going to play in that stupid talent show."

"Fine..." She grumbled and waited for me to start.

I played a quick little scale than began singing in the roughest growl I could manage, playing guitar to the melody of my 'singing'. Well not so much as singing, as screaming, "_I'm walking towar a deddend, I'm walkin' owl allow! Tow-steps-I-go-past insanitay! __Therrs no starlight guiling my way out tid downwarr det row!_" My singing broke into horrible coughing fit from me.

"So...how's my Finnish accent?" I asked, worried that I may have thrown my voice with that little spectacle.

"I don't know, I don't speak Finnish." Minami replied.

"That was in English." I told her.

"Cool, I don't speak English." She replied instantly, "In case you're wondering, you sounded like Asami Sanada singing _Hell the World_. If Asami was getting stabbed in the chest."

"So it's good right?" I enthusiastically asked her, "It's hard to sound like Alexi Laiho, even if you're a guy. I can sound exactly like Nina from _Maple Story_ though and that one girl from Sora No Woto."

"You know I don't know who that first one is is."

"The singer for _Children of Bodom_." I informed her.

"You know I don't know who that is."

"I'm doing this song because they played it back when they did _Tokyo Warhearts_." I enlightened her. "It was the first concert I event went to, I even saw all three of their shows back then."

"How old were you when this happened?" Minami asked, sounding particularly disinterested.

"Seven." I proudly declared, "Oh man, remember those mosh pits at Budokon?"

"Yes, your broke two of my ribs." She growled. _Ah, good times..._

"Well those were nothing compared to the ones at a _Children of Bodom _concert. I saw like three people die!" I happily recounted.

"Miyuki?"

"Yes?"

"Get the hell out of my house."

I sighed and walked out, leaving all my guitar stuff behind. That was where our friendship kept going recently. Me recounting the glorious parts of my life, and our friendship. And her kicking me out to the curb. It was always, "Miyuki, stop talking about death," and "Miyuki, stop talking about metal," and let's not forget, "Miyuki, if you let Cherry out one more time, I'll kick you in the fucking vagina. This is not a hollow threat." _Sigh, the shit I put up with._

Anyways, that night was New Years. Some people were gonna go to shrines to pray to whatever heathen god they worshiped. _Wait, they worship Ancestor Spirits. Just because it was cool when then __Dunmer did it, doesn't make it cool when you people do it. Fucking savages. Nihilism. For. The. Win. _My night was set though. I had a 24 pack of Dr. Pepper and was gonna watch the fireworks in Stormwind City. Afterwords, it was time do some 25 man ICC's the rest of the night. _That _was how you're supposed to spend New Years.

Then I decided against it. Browsing 2chan while not wearing pants seemed like a much more productive use of my time. Being anonymous suits me. Anything was better than going that local shrine. It wasn't too bad a few years ago, but now it's crowded with greasy otaku and cosplayers dressing up like...something...generally just school girls with very chromatic hair. Probably from some otaku-pandering shitty anime that greasy nerds eat up like pocky.

I don't remember when I fell asleep, but I ended up waking to my cell phone vibrating around 4 O'clock the next day.

"Holy cocks, I'm coming." I growled and went to answer it. I answered it an instantly went from seething angry, to the Miyuki everyone creams themselves over, "Happy New Year! This is Takara."

_I swear if this is Konata calling to ask me something she's too fucking lazy to google..._

"Miyuki-san!" Konata eagerly greeted me, _Don't scream, just don't scream! _"Happy New Year!" _Here it comes..._ "Anyway... I was wondering where the name Pochi Bag came from."

_There's this little website called Wikipedia..._ "Pochi Bag is it? I believe it comes from the phrases pochitto and korepocchi and refers to a bag for small items." _This is just me bullshitting of course._

Without saying thanks, or goodbye, or anything like that, Konata just hung up. I threw my phone down and collapsed back on my bed. I need another couple hours of sleep before I was ready to function in the outside world again. Okay, flash forward to school starting...

"'Kay, everyone have a seat!" Kuroi announced, after showing up 30 minutes late. Which was fine with me, it was a good chance to catch up on sleep.

"Happy New Year!" She greeted us all, _If I hear that phrase one more time... _"The year just flew by, didn't it?" _Only one more year and then I can move to Greece and never see any of you again! _"Let's have another good'un." _If it was a good year for me, you'd all be raped or dead. _"Course..." _There's always a course... _"I'll be biddin' farewell to some of y'all in three more months. Guess who I'm talking about." _The ones who sit in the corner eating paint chips? And Tsukasa? _

"Teacher!" Shira-whatever cried out. _Your appendix just burst and you're about to die? _"You don't mean me, right? I can believe, right!" _Of course not, that would be good in my favor. And NOTHING works in my favor._

Somewhere along the lines of the day Kagami stole my chair and forced me to stand up. So I had STAND and listen to them talk.

"People always talk about the New Year's Mood..." Konata started for the daily dose of talking about nothing, _No they don't, you just made that up. _"...but I guess there's kinda a weird atmosphere. But it changes the second school starts. Unfortunately..." _By "weird" you mean "peaceful Konata free". And yes, that does change as soon as school starts. Stupid school, never did nothing for no one. _"

"Well..." Kagami began, _I steeled my nerves for temptations at hand again. _"It's true that New Year's wields mysterious power." _The only thing that truly wields mysterious power is sleeping under the ocean. Oh wicked lord, I scream for your return! _"Despite the fact that I spent the first three days of the new year working at home..." _You had a miscarriage? _"...I gained weight!" _Well that's a lot less cool. Great, real great, now's she crying. Why do we never have a Yui-chan on the scene for this kind of thing!_

"The cold weather makes it difficult to burn off your fat." I told her, _Makes it harder to keep a fire going. Not to mention burns take a long time to heal. Still beats exercising though._

"I did a lot of moving around though." Kagami whined. _And you batted that by eating nonstop, didn't you? _"Three busy days as a shrine maiden." _Oh no! You had to, god forbid, WALK AROUND_.

"But you ate just as much, did you?" Konata asked, nonchalantly. _Probably, among other __things. Heheheheheh. _"Shrine maiden, New Years food." _Iron Maiden, The Trooper. _"Shrine maiden. Zoni soup!" _Iron Maiden, Aces High. _"Shrine maiden. Snacks!" _Iron Maiden, Killers. _"Snacks! Snacks! Snacks!" _Going to choke you! Going to choke you! Going to choke you! _"Shrine maiden. Snacks!" _Iron Maiden, Mercenaries_. "Something like that."

Kagami growled at her Konata's little game. And I realized that I had all of those songs now stuck in my head...all playing at the same time.

"But the pictures of having fun on New Year's usually include badminton..." Konata started listing off, _That's not even a real sport! _"...One Hundred Poets..." _And everyone of them suck. JESUS. FUCK. COCKS. I'm seeing imagines of Konata doing those various things in a bubble above her head. No...NO. I don't wanna be a schizophrenic! _"...and kite flying..." _No one over the age of five does that. _"...but I've never seen someone do those."

"Well..." Kagami began her rambly unintelligent reply, "These days, it's dangerous with electric lines and cars. I just watched TV and read books. After those first three busy days."

_Time to do some trolling. _"Um... I did those." I lied, "I enjoyed badminton, One Hundred Poets, and Pin the Tail on the Donkey."

"Doesn't match your image." Kagami scoffed. _So you're not as easy to fool as you look. Alright, alright. I'm not done yet_.

"My family follows western customs..." I quickly recovered. _Like the magic ways of metal and 4chan. The only good things that whole hemisphere has ever put out. I like taking screen shots of anime like K-On! Then adding fake English subtitles that hint at romantic involvement between two characters. Then post it on English image boards and watch them all freak out since they haven't gotten to see that episode yet. _"...but our relatives in the country are more traditional." _Oh how I loathe them._

_ That little talent show I mention. They banned me from playing because it "wasn't fair to the other contestants" and I was, "Ten years older than the suggested age bracket". I COULD have performed, but I chose not to, because I'm a good person. Then my mother was all like, "Oh Miyuki you're so nice. You're going to Heaven, I'm sure of it." I'd rather die than go to Heaven._

"We wore kimonos and went to the temple on New Year's." I went on, _Neither of which I did of course, _"...and had fun with my cousins." _As in got really fucking high. They decided to paint on my face and bite me in One Hundred Poets. I had to get stitches from that._

"In One Hundred Poets..." Konata began to say, _Oh boy, here it comes. _"...they're all 31 syllable poems, right?" _Better than their 17 syllable counterparts. _"

"Yeah, you read out the first verse..." I replied with my "I hate the world" smile. "...and look for the card with the rest of the poem." _I like to hide a few to spice it up a bit._

"You must have skills..." Konata declared, _At just about everything, that's right. _

"Not at all." I lied, "I'm just a beginner. The experts snatch up cards in a flash"

"Well more like..." Konata began cheerfully, but instantly deadpanned, "I can't stand playing a game that makes you feel like you're studying.

"People like you who view mental games as a chore are why Japan's going down the drain." Kagami scoffed. _I always thought it was organized religion. The Cult of Cthulu is the only religion I need. _

**INTERMISSION**

It ended kind of sudden, but I wanted to keep the rest of episode 13 for the next chapter.

Yes, Miyuki does contradict herself numerous times. But just look at the title of this little chapter. As the year moves on, she gets more and more sociopathic, and it's definitely starting to show. Especially in her thoughts and activities. Completely lack of empathy, heavy swearing, even more self-destructive. Not even Minami wants to put up with her.

Any and all references I made were stuff that someone like Miyuki could have easy knowledge of. I decided to elaborate on them since I no doubt left a few people scratching their heads at some of these... Anyways, no credit to me for using- Wikipedia, Futaba Channel, Azumanga Daioh, K-On! (and all those doujins that get thrown around image boards), Spice and Wolf, Berserk, Children of Bodom, Morrowind, World of Warcraft, and Iron Maiden.

Waita Uziga is a guro manga artist who's considered the "God Father" of guro among some circles. Miyuki was thinking about one of his works, "Mai-chan's Daily Life", a manga that spawned the infamous, "baby fuck" meme. Furthermore, Marty Friedman, the ex-guitarist for Megadeth, now does a Japanese TV program. In one episode he did a parody of something out of Uziga's work, that was what Miyuki was referring to.

Moving on- Varg Vickernes is an infamous black metal icon who was charged for numerous crimes such as- murdering his bandmates, and burning historical churches.

Asami Sanada is the voice actress for Sawako in K-On! Minami was referring to her character song _Hell the World_, where she shrieks several times.


	13. Love Is In The Air

**MIYUKI THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE CHAPTER 13- LOVE IN THE AIR**

"Why couldn't they use One Hundred Poets for like a card battle?" Konata asked, raising a finger. _Because they wouldn't be able to compete with Wizards of the Coast. Corporate bastards... I hated them ever since they destroyed Spellfire._

Reality distorted as Konata somehow changed into a weird coat with velocity lines all over the place, "You could summon a monk. Think there was a semimaru!" There was flash of blue light as she used the card to summon him, "Semimaru uses a shining attack! Ono no Komachi uses a lovely strike!" There was quite literally a battle like that happening in front of me. _Just remember it's a trip and you'll be okay, just remember it's a trip and you'll be okay! _

"Doesn't that sound fun?" Konata asked Kagami. _No that sounds terrifying. I'm scared right now, and I get sweaty when I'm scared! _

"Back to your world huh?" Kagami replied. _That was Konata's world? Then how did I see it! Oh...no...this is the plot for Haruhi! I don't wanna be in the Endless Eight, I DUN WANNA!_

"But wouldn't more physical games have helped you lose weight?" Konata asked her. _Either she rapidly changed the subject. Or KyoAni needs to learn what fucking "scene transitioning" is._

"Be quiet!" Kagami snapped, _You be quiet, filth pig! _She grasped her stomach and threw her face on the desk. That gesture was surprisingly cute, and if I wasn't so sweaty from fear I would probably licked her face. She groaned at me, "It was those stupid rice cakes..."

Being the master of trolling, I swooped in instantly, "Rice cakes are loaded with calories, aren't they?" _Yes, eat more calories, I want my Kagami nice and plump for when my body is ready! _"One as big as a matchbox is equivalent to a whole bowl of rice."

Konata flipped out and struck a defensive pose, "Which means Kagami's eating a bowl of rice  
with every bite!"

I smiled and watched the carnage unfold. Kagami sat back up instantly to freak the fuck out, "You also ate rice cakes, didn't you!"

"My mom's gone-" _Ha, ha, your mom failed at living, _"-so I've rarely had zoni soup and that stuff." Konata replied with her hands behind her head. _Then have your dad make it, he already has the vagina required to do so. My god, Kagami's angry face is so adorable. Now to break her legs, chain her in my basement, and make her my waifu FoReVerrrrRrrr... Oh, blue hair fag is still talking, _"Actually, I don't really eat rice cakes." _Cool story bro._

"That's a waste." Kagami gasped, the fatty inside taking over. All of a sudden I saw Kagami wistfully floating through a windy backdrop that could only be described as "raspberry heaven", while light piano music played. It was like the music my friend Mugi played on her piano in junior high. Mugi was fun, I used to pull at her eyebrows and use her as a mount for chicken games while she would scream, cry, and get nosebleeds. Anyways, Kagami was going on some tangent about food, "With zoni soup, sweet red bean soup, soy flour rice cakes. There are so many fun ways to eat them." _I'm sure the Japanese names for those are much more appealing._

"Looks like she's gonna lose to the rice cakes again next year...Kagami." Konata said, ending her raspberry heaven. _Now it's blue velocity lines. My god, what is wrong with my brain. I haven't done acid in years, why am I seeing this stuff! It isn't because of all the dog fur I huff?_

"What do you have to eat for New Year's instead of rice cakes, Izumi-san?" I asked Konata with hopes that her shitty food would make me feel better about my shitty life. Yeah, that's right, I make fun of others to feel better about myself. I also swear because I think it makes me look cool. Okay, it's there in the open now, let's move on.

"Stuff like pizza and pasta." She replied without moving her mouth at all. _Pizza and pasta! The fuck! I had to eat "traditional" garbage, that's not fair! I could have been passed out naked on my couch with a pizza box on my chest, but I was eating normal food with my family. Grr, why can't I have a cooler family. Or at least a family that doesn't care, or at least just leaves me alone. It's always, "Oh, come watch this movie with your mother", and "Let's go to the park together". And I have to be __all like, "No mom, your fat, I don't like you". _

"Our year starts with raw pasta." Konata said with a snap of her finger. _My year starts with bitter self loathing and hate for everyone and everything, _"My dad cleans out the pasta at the end of every years." _I clean out the dead rats that keep dying under my bed. It keeps me up at night thinking __about what keeps killing them... _"Did you know? That thing rusts if you don't use it for awhile." _Yeah, my razors are like that. I refuse to buy new ones, I've grown attached to the disposable ones I've had for years, _"If you use it without cleaning it first the pasta ends up all black and stuff." _That's pretty metal, I want black pasta, _"So we clean it out and make pasta and pizza."

"Sounds very thorough." _Wait, what were you talking about again?_

"Well Kagami's house probably orders pizza and their pasta consists of cup noodles." Konata chuckled, the background turned green. _You know what Konata, go and die in a ditch. Some of us have to work for a living and don't have time for cooking and stuff. Something you wouldn't know about because you're a spoiled twat... Wait, you said Kagami, well, never mind then. Carry on._

Kagami dead panned and made that face I wanted to lick again, "More like we don't have pizza or pasta on New Year's." _Ha ha, you're faggoty._

My extreme trippy vision tripled in horror when I saw Konata briefly as having sharp teeth, with a terrifying decrepit background as she gasped, "No way!"

"It doesn't go with traditional foods." Kagami defended, _YOU don't go with traditional foods._

"Sure it does!" Konata shouted, and made a jacking off motion with her fist, _More and more evidence that she is an underground whore. _"It goes great with roast chicken." As she continued to make that motion, all I could think was, _What the fuck was she doing to the chicken? _

"That's traditional New Year's food?" Kagami asked in a low voice, there was a red question mark over her head. And my glasses didn't cover all of my eyes.

"Sure it is." Konata curtly said.

"Under western traditions." I pointed out. _But in America it's traditional to hang around corner stores and demand money from people. They also like to carry bags home for people, then request ransom for the bags back. Then there's 15 year olds getting gang tattoos, funded by their parents. Not to mention people passing out naked behind a biker bar, piss drunk for a New Year's Celebration. _**A/N- All true, all these things I've seen first hand.**

"That's how it works?" Kagami muttered, some how changing the background to normal again. We were finally in our class again.

"What did you have for New Year's, Miyuki-san?" Konata asked me. _The blood of 1000 virgins._

"Me?" I replied, utterly spaced out.

"Your family sounds all wealthy and western..." Konata decided, _Only my music tastes are western. But anyone who doesn't like Behemoth is a fucking faggot. _"...so you probably don't have traditional stuff or rice cakes." _Huh, I wish. _"Maybe you had like a full course French dinner." _Konata. Where in me could you possibly see French? Have you seen my labia majoris, obviously Japanese._

"Not at all." I glumly replied, holding back tears of bitter melancholy; still smiling of course. "I ate traditional foods..." _Which sucked_, "...and I was unable to bite through a rice cake..." _Sonuva bitch pulled a filling out, _"...and it stretched like a whee!" _Was that the word I just used, Whee?_

"Rice cake goes whee!" Tsukasa said with her stupid grin from behind Konata. _I know she wasn't there a moment ago, or the yellow background for that matter._

"But New Year's goes by so fast." She went on, _Okay, no one cares, go away Tsukasa. Go be unloved somewhere else. I'm sure there's a ditch you can share with Misao down the road by that abandoned building that homeless people like to pee on._

"Yeah." Konata just shrugged, "Winter break goes by fast, too. But cleaning, writing New Year's cards, and homework you don't have much time to relax, right?" _Psh, I don't do any of those. Cleaning is for poor people, I don't write cards in hope that my relatives will think I'm dead or something, and I just print the correct answers for homework off the internet._

"Hold it right there!" Kagami snapped and jumped in front of her. Konata had somehow grown angel wings and was looking guilty. From that angle, I got a good look at Kagami's thick, meaty, tasty thighs. "You didn't do New Year's cards this year! And you copied my homework yesterday!"

"Oh, yeah." Tsukasa spoke up, _Oh brace yourselves everyone, shits about to get real. _"Did you have your first dream of the year, Kona-chan?" _Seriously Tsukasa, that pee ditch down the street is gonna get crowded if you don't get there soon. Misao's fat ass can take up a lot of room. Man, what I wouldn't give to feel my fingers wrap around her perfectly tan, smooth, slender neck; and watch her eyes roll into the back of her head as I squeezed the life out of her. Sigh..._

"Isn't it supposed to be a good omen if you dream about certain things?" Konata asked, _Who knows. All I ever dream about anyways is the castanets while chanting, "Un-tan! Un-tan! Un-tan!" Sun down till sun up, or vise versa on weekends._

"Yep, yep." Tsukasa nodded.

"Usually it's one: Mt. Fuji," Kagami listed off, _Cool, I had a dream where I was on Mt. Fuji with castanets, _"two: hawk," _There was a hawk in my dreams playing castanets too! _"three: eggplant," _Then an eggplant showed up and joined the fun! _

"Officially you would add four: fan, five: tobacco, six: blind man." I finished. Then I realized something, a blind man using tobacco as a fan showed up to complete my dream band.

"It goes all the was up to six!" Tsukasa swooned. _If only your IQ did..._

"But you know..." Konata began, _Oh here it comes... _"Whoever dreams about that kind of stuff? What kind of dream would that be. And why a blind man?" _Shut up, my dream is cool!_

"Pretty much..." Kagami actually agreed

"Hey." Tsukasa said to me, _No. _"Do you have to dream about all of those at once?"

"If all of those showed up in your dreams, you'd be really blessed, but I believe just one would suffice." I replied, _Because I am really god damned blessed. That's me, Filicia Blessed Extraordinaire...I mean Miyuki, fuck, my name is Miyuki. Why do I keep calling myself that? And why do I suddenly feel like I could proficiantly operate a spider tank?_

"I thought you would have to dream about a hawk twice and an eggplant three times." Tsukasa relayed to us. _What. The. Hell. Is. Wrong. With. You. God, I just want to slice you open and see what is making you NOT tick. It would baffle medical science for centuries to come. In fact I'm doing that, I'll get a degree in medical sciences just because you piss me off with your stupidity so much. I will die a happy Filicia, FUCK, Miyuki, if I can just have your organs all on display. While you're still alive of course._

"And quite frankly who really remembers what they dream about?" Konata asked, _Um me, and Tastychainsaws dreamed about playing some new Silent Hill game that was a good combination of 2 and Shattered Memories. Of course something that epic would never exist. _"People who care about that stuff are having way too much fun with New Year's." _And people who buy those creepy fake vagina's of K-On! Characters are having too much fun with anime. Your point? (**Note- these really exist. They come with fake blood to simulate the tearing of a hymen. Get yours today!**_)

"You have a point." Kagami lied.

"In my first dream this year..." I began, and tried to remember just what the foodly doo's I was dreaming about, "...I opened my shoe locker..." _Too find the severed genitalia of multiple large dogs_, "...to find my shoes missing..." _So I had no choice but to have a homestyle weenie roast, not for me to eat of course, _"...so I had no choice but to take shoes from someone else's open locker..." _The weenies turned out to be a major success, and I opened a shop to sell them, and bought out all the animal shelters, _"...but the size was wrong." Kagami just nodded, "I looked up this dream in," _Encyclopedia Dramatica, _"encyclopedia for dream fortune telling..." _And it said I'm a sick fuck who should kill myself, _"...and it said it's a sign that I am pursuing skills useful to society, but it will be awhile before I accomplish that goal. The shoes apparently societal standing."

"Cheesecake?" Tsukasa said with a cock of her head. _Stop breathing my air, PLEASE!_

"Miyuki-san's pretty ambitious." Konata noted, _Sure, whatever makes you happy. _"It's like I kinda understand, but kinda not." _Konata doesn't understand, color me amazed. _

**SKIP AHEAD A FEW DAYS**

I was at my desk working on my upcoming doujin project "Gunpowder and Wolf" when some guy walked over and was hovering over my desk. Since he wasn't going away, I looked up, "Can I _heeellppp _you?"

"Do you know what today is?" He asked in a shy voice. He was mildly decent looking guy who I think had the same class as Misao, fuck if I know.

"Tomorrow?" I answered.

"No, silly, Valentine's Day." He chuckled.

"So?" I blinked.

"Well, Miyuki, I have something to say to you..." He whispered.

"Um, is this going to take long. I can only be around people so long before I snap, and Konata and her followers will be here to eat up a lot of that soon..."

"You see Takara Miyuki. I've been in love with you ever since we were first in class together!" He cried out, turning a few heads.

"We've been in class together?" I asked.

"Yes, we've been in the same class for seven years now!"

"Oh, I didn't notice. Now, uh, go away." I told him with a flick of his hand. Now he was starting to cry and stuff.

"You don't even recognize my existence and I've loved your for this long!" He sobbed at me.

"Yeah, so, like, go kill yourself or something." As he was running out crying, I saw Konata misquoting me about Valentine's Day. A few minutes later, the three freaks that hung around me migrated over to my desk.

"So did you give anyone chocolate, Miyuki-san?" Konata asked me. _Do I LOOK like someone who has romantic involvement with anything other than Kagami's tasty thighs?_

"I gave chocolate to my father and a relative." I lied, _Nooo, daddy changed his phone number, mailing address, and surname again._

"I gave chocolate to everyone I'm friendly with." Tsukasa said with her stupid smile, _Does that include the neighborhood dogs and drug dealers?_

"I gave chocolate to you, Tsukasa, and Miyuki." Kagami added, _and that chocolate will be going on my thighs tonight right before my bath with Cherry. Bathing is oh so much fun with giant fluffy dog._

"Sheesh, you guys sure had a boring Valentine's Day." Konata groaned, _I happen to like my vagoo free of the phallus's of strange men, thank you._

**AND A STORY NOT TOUCHED FOR MONTHS WAS GIVEN THE MOST LACK LUSTER UPDATE IN HISTORY**


	14. A Day In The Life Of

**MOOKI FESPEEYAN X-TEROREDAYERE CAHPTER 14- A DAY IN THE LIFE OF...**

As I sat there with Minami in her room playing Final Fantasy 13, I realized something was wrong. "Hey, that hankerchief you keep under the right part of your bra is gone."

"How in the name of the Five Fire Maidens did you figure that out?" She asked me, on screen Lightning was getting brutalized by some giant turtle thing.

"That's not important, now tell me where that hankerchief is!" I demanded.

Minami sighed, "Today when I was taking the test to get into your school, I gave it to a small girl who was looking sick. Her name was Yutaka and she was very kind and-"

"You gave your booberchief to a stranger!" I gasped in horror.

"What did I say about calling it that that!" She snapped, rather angrily I might add.

"Something about sexual harassment, I was too busy trying to steal your panties to remember." I just shrugged, "Anyways, yeah, who were you talking about?"

"A girl name Yutaka, she was a cute little sister of some other person taking the test I think." Minami relayed to me.

"Ha, ha, you're a pedophile." I snickered.

"_Shut the fuck up, you're not getting me on house arrest again for that_!" Minami proceeded to scream at me, referring to the time I told someone that she was fondling their 8 year old daughter on the train. That was a good day...

**A WEEK LATER**

"Your booberchief is back." I pointed out as Minami was still failing at Final Fantasy 13.

"My face is up here." She grumbled.

"Yes, but your booberchief is down there." I reminded her, "So how did you get it back?"

"Today at the uniform fitting, I met her again." Minami replied, looking just a little too happy for my own good.

"The little girl, what was she doing at the uniform fitting?"

"It turns out that she's in the same year as me. I'm glad that I'll have a friend there." She dreamily sighed.

"What about me?" I asked, in faux sadness.

"We're not friends." She replied.

"Wuh!"

"Miyuki, you _are not _my friend. You routinely harass, sexually harass, blackmail, abuse, sexually abuse, and steal my things on a daily basis. No we're not friends. The only reason you're here is because you invite yourself in with the strange notion that I will have, for some reason, purchased and expensive drumset with money I don't have to play in a band I don't want to be in. Furthermore, if you weren't so damn good at not leaving bruises on me; I would get a restraining order with the right to shoot you if you came too close." After her long rant, all I could do is blink in suprise.

"I don't believe I have ever been spoken to in that way before in my life." I blurted out, then realized something, "So this means you _didn't _get a drumset. Fuck, you really need to get your shit together."

"Miyuki, get the hell out of my house." She ordered, pointing at the door. I grumbled a few choice words under my breath then stomped out. So this is how it was, replaced by some loli in cold blood. I had seen the movie _Highlander_, I knew there could only be one. So, my last option was to find this Yutaka and kill her; then quite possibly wear her skin over my own. She was probably a total bitch too, so no one would mind her death either. I was good at figuring people out, so getting busted for murder was the least of my worries.

I decided to go shopping for blood sausage to take my mind off of this, and on my way to the city I ran into Kagami. I knew she appreciated a true friend, so I decided to tag along with her.

"We have to take exams next year, huh?" She asked as we were walking along. _Okay, let's be nice this time so Kagami doesn't leave your for a loli. Besides Konata, no one likes her so that doesn't __count. _"We've been getting a bunch of phone calls from cram schools. It's a pain." _Well you know how it is, Tsukasa needs all the help she can get to make it to Junior High. Single variable algebra equations can be pretty damn hard. X+4=5 is the one she's probably stuck on. There are just so many things X could be!_

"If you use caller ID you should be able to pick out those kinds of calls immediately. Since they use unlisted numbers." I pointed out to her, _But of course my Tasty-Thighed Kagami already knew that._

That was about the extent of our conversation as I returned home, blood sausageless somehow. "I've come home!" I had to call out so my mother knew I was home, and didn't call the police come find me when I was in my room the whole time.

"My..." Mother was having a phone call, it sounded erotic, "Is that so? That must have been difficult. Not at all..." I passed by the den to find that sadly, her clothes were all still on her body, "It's some for the family. Well, my daughter's returned. Yes. Until we talk again then. Sorry to have taken your time."

"Who was on the phone?" I asked, it better have not been someone like Tsukasa trying to call again. Mother had, on multiple occasions, gotten stuck talking to her about random crap like mayonaise and stuff. "It sound like you were having a 'lively' conversation."

"It was from a telemarketer." She replied, I sweat dropped at the stupid antics my mother went though. _Fuck, Tsukasa's a telemarketer now. Well I guess I should disconnect our phone then..._

"Um... Didn't you say that you could pick out those calls immediately?" I asked her.

"But, you know, I was bored and felt like having a conversation. We talked for over an hour." As she spoke, I laughed as I felt my IQ begin lowering point by point from her aura.

As if my day couldn't get any more fucktarded, I received a text message from Tsukasa asking why the restrooms of _Denny_'s were always near the smoking section. All I could think was, _Because non-smokers just love to bitch about smokers. As a non-smoker myself, I can vouch for these people. It's always, "ADDICTION! WAT ARE THAT, YOU SMOKE BECAUSE YOU LIKE KILLING STILLBORN BABIES_" and stuff along those lines.

Then I watched the new for a bit, I was glad they didn't know it was me approaching all those grade school girls from behind. I just wanted to give them hugs, not grope them or anything. But that's how the media is, they like to make Miyuki out to be the bad one.

To finish off my day, even with all the non-anime parts of this chapter, it barely broke 1k words.

**Author's Notes- **Since I didn't want keep merging episodes like had I had been doing earlier, I made a clear decision to only include episode 14 in this chapter. Even with all the embellished parts, there wasn't much, so sorry about how stupidly short this is. And let's face it, from here on our Miyuki gets a much smaller role compared to the rest.


	15. Intentional Metal Mixup

**Faster than a torrent with 506 seeders, stronger than a Harrier with Danger Close, able to headbang for hours with eyes open without getting a headache. IT'S...**

**MIYUKI THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE CHAPTER 15- INTENTIONAL METAL MIXUP**

**A Forward from The Chainsaw.**

From here on out I'm trying to implement a story. While it will essentially be the same Lucky Star story, the same _everything_, I'll detail events that take place off screen. This works fine because Yukari is seen so little, along with the other players. Also; I noticed a few people comparing themselves to Mooki. No, that's bad, you don't want to be like her. If you were really like her then your friends would rise up and slay you. Trust me, we all have some aspects of jadedness, but no one is really like her.

**BACK TO MOOKI**

I marked in on the calender, the days when _The Black Dahlia Murder _would be here in my glorious _Nihon. _Finally, something actually metal would happen around here. Because if I had to listen to Kagami complain about how Tsukasa swallowed a battery one more time... This was a momentous occasion because _BDM _were one of the few American death metal bands I liked. My list of bands that I liked from Europe was a long one, but American metal for me was limited to _BDM, Iron Maiden, _and _Megadeth_. Not much beyond that.

"Miyuki dear, you had a phone call!" Mother called up from downstairs.

"What it someone I actually like?" I called back.

"Yes." She lied, "It was Konata-chan. Come down here please so I can tell you some great news!"

_Great news, that means Konata finally got hit by a bus or carried off by birds! _With that in mind, I sprinted down the stairs into the living room where Konata's eulogy so awaited me. Mother looked up with a smile, "Konata-chan bought tickets for you and your friends to go see Aya Hirano in concert."

"What day?" I asked, hoping it would be a day that I could flee to Denmark or something.

"May 24th!" She told me. _Um...No._

"Oh, sorry, I have plans that day." I told her, that was the day of the _BDM _concert I was going to see.

Mother smiled, "No you don't. You're going with your friends, because that's what a nice, caring, loving daughter would do."

"I don't know where you got this image of me..." I muttered, and tried to slip away. However, she had an arm around my wrist.

Her smile was just a bit creepier now, "No you don't understand. You're a nice, caring, loving daughter who isn't going to be a selfish cunt like her father was."

"Pardon me?" I blinked.

Dark clouds formed over her as she leaned and practically hissed at me, "You've been neglecting your friendships for awhile now. Konata-chan did a nice thing for you, and _you damn well better appreciate it_. Because to be quite honest, your attitude lately has been kind of pissing me off. You're rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate to everyone; including me. You can go to your death metal concert once you've proven you can behave like that sweet little girl I know you are."

"I'm going to be the sweet little girl you know I am." I squeaked in mortal terror.

**LATER THAT DAY.**

"Hey, what are we in line for?" Kagami turned around asked. We had been in line for something for two hours, and Konata had neglected to relay to use just what that thing was. So we had been standing here for hours assuming she would speak up and tell us just what this was about.

"Do you know, Yuki-chan?" Tsukasa turned and asked, _Hopefully this is a line of people walking off a cliff, like lemmings. Then we can all die, which sounds pretty fucking great right now. I hate you Konata, I hate you so much._

"No idea." I growled.

"Now, now..." Konata muttered as we drew some stupid little square envelopes. Chances were that these were drawings to meet some subpar voice actor like the one who does the voice for the blonde chick in Sora no Woto. What a bitch.

"There you have it." Kagami said to Konata who was looming over her ticket with a sad face. That meant she lost, which was fine by me. "Too bad. I also got a miss."

I looked at my own ticket, which said I had one.

_The Jam of Haruhi Suzumiya_

_Early Ticket Sale Drawing_

_Winner_

So apparently Konata _had not_ bought tickets for us. She had just assumed we would win this stupid drawing, so I could have missed my concert for nothing. _I don't want to be alive anymore...I'm guessing these are all just going to be songs off the anime. Nothing like watching some fake idol strut around stage pretending to play guitar while fat otaku around me masturbate in droves. I could be out seeing a band with TALENT, but I'm going to see this...No._

Judging by her tears, and Kagami's mild amusement, she had not won. Therefor I did not have to go, which was fine by me.

"Um... I drew a winner." I told her, _Take it, JUST TAKE IT, get it out of my hands!_

"Me too!" Tsukasa squealed and threw her face in front of mine, _Gah, get away from me you freak! I can smell your lice!_

Konata grabbed both our hands and threw them together in some horrible hand-three-way. Although it was cold out, their hands were both very, _very_, sweaty. "My true friends!" She yelped, _True friends, who do you hang out with?_

She had enough money for two tickets though, so my insisting that her and Tsukasa go alone were useless. I was attending this stupid fucking concert whether I liked it or not. The concert wasn't for awhile so I could at least find something to do to preoccupy my mind until then. That usually consisted of watching hordes of youtube videos; like the one where the guy is trapped in an elevator for like 42 hours. Apparently when asked about whether or not he masturbated during that time, he declined. He said something about how having a camera and being trapped like that was a turnoff. Psh, that's more like a turn on to me; that and futanari. Confined spaces, futanari, and metal, the only arousing things on this stupid fucking planet.

Luckily Tokyo isn't far from Saitama, so I didn't have to sit in a car for hours upon hours with the three of them...because we went by train. There were people coming from the Kyoto area to see this, I could only laugh at those people who wasted time driving. _No, I don't want to see this concert, this is stupid! I need an escape plan, the show I want to see isn't far and I bought tickets ahead of time. I'm not wasting money either, I just need to lose these three._

I desperately looked around for a way out of this. The sky overhead was a gloomy gray, with strong hints of rain. People were already carrying umbrellas. To the left of me, I heard some woman talking to three girls, "By sheer divine alignment, both our shows are in the same direction. I have both the addresses written and-"

She was cut off by me walking directly into her, and luckily the three sheep behind me decided to just walk right into them as well. Soon those four I had walked into were sprawled across the ground, trying to pick up every they had dropped. I would use this confusion to escape. With mock guilt, I frantically waved my arms in defense, "Oh my bad!"

"It's cool..." The woman muttered, it was some chick with really long brown hair (about as long as mine) with glasses that didn't cover her eyes; like mine. She handed some younger girl a folded up piece of paper and was properly thanked. In the chaos, I swiftly changed my direction and walked off the other direction. That woman was tailing _us_, _wait, why are they following me. Go to your own concert!_

**10 MINUTES LATER...**

_Grrr. __**FUCK! **_I had been subconsciously going the way to _my _concert on the street, and ended going to this one when I changed direction. So I had been right the first time, and now I was sitting here listening to this. Let me describe my surroundings... Bright, flashy, 10 feet of armed security between us and the band (armed with assault rifles to shoot anyone who rocks just a little too hard), fat otaku with glow sticks, and Tsukasa next to me. Tsukasa being the thing that most bothered me.

I grimaced as the J-pop artist took the stage. I looked out of place here with my _Iron Maiden_t-shirt and faded black jeans. All around me were screaming teenage girls jumping around with glowsticks and other assorted nonsense. _How the FUCK did I end up here! Music like this can't get you wet! This is like a desert of pop!_

"This sucks..." I muttered, and looked for an escape. The place seemed pretty boxed in. Then I noticed something, the woman next to me (who I collided with) was wearing a shirt that had the album cover for _Rust In Peace... _on it, "Is that... a _Megadeth _t-shit?"

"Yeah, what about it?" The chick nearly growled at me. Then I realized it was the one I bumped into outside, that meant that she had been wanting to attend that other concert too. Or that's what I thought.

"Now I feel bad for running into you outside, I didn't see it back then." I replied, "Fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were one of my own." _Words cannot describe how great it feels not to talk in the voice where I'm speaking in a loud whisper that makes me sound all "mature". That's the voice I use around everyone but Minami. My normal voice is something around the manager for Detroit Metal City and Angela Gossow's singing (my idol)._

"One of your own?" She asked with a cocked eyebrow.

I unbuttoned my jacket to reveal a concealed _Iron Maiden _shirt. "You were going to that other show weren't you?"

She nodded, "Yeah, but I ran into you and got mixed up. Thanks a lot."

"Shit, my bad." I sighed, "I was trying to lose the crowd of faggots that dragged me here by running into your group. Wanna ditch this place and see if we can hit up that other show?"

The older woman smiled, "Alright, _Maiden, _let's do this."

"Alright, _Deth_." _Retarded call signs aside, I was totally pumped and ready to do this. Fuck Aya Hirana and her mass of mindless fans who only know her through anime. It was time for me to reside into a dark space full of potentially dangerous people, get a contact high that will fuck me up for seven days, and then headbang and mosh until I have scoliosis._

**LONG STORY SHORT (A/N- I think that's the first time I've written a line break using the shift key instead of caps lock. Huh.)**

I didn't spend much time with that woman after we arrived at the show, and I had to cut it short just to get back in time. Just because I had to, didn't mean I did. _I Will Return _is the greatest finisher for any lineup ever, and I would die before missing it. So I had to sprint at full speed across a few blocks of the city (knocking over a few 10 year olds on the way) to get back to the concert ending. All in all, not a bad night, and I had a good high to fall asleep to when I got home.

"That was incredible." Tsukasa was swooning as I slipped in silently behind them, bowling through a few people in the crowd.

"I was quite moved." I added into the conversation. _Literally, the security guards picked me up and threw me back into the crowd after I jumped onstage to grab the singer's manboob. That's like tradition for us fans. Try doing that to Hirano, JUST TRY IT._

"The first person who came out was so cool." Tsukasa babbled on_, Who? The MC, I think that was the sweaty guy from our class who's named after a crab or something._

"That guy?" Kagami grimaced, _See, Tasty-Thighs knows what I'm talking about._

"No?" Tsukasa looked hurt, _Tsukasa, you think dual wielding Spikers is cool. Your opinion of cool things is not valid here._

"People actually go for that, huh?" Kagami muttered, looking mildly unamused. _Yeah- Wait! Where the hell did I get this hat! _Tasty-thighs paused for a second, "Konata, you haven't said a word." _There's a problem here? _

Konata nodded, she was just upset because her ahoge was on backwards. Kagami sensed this and went on, "The whole fatigue setting in after an event's over thing, huh? I guess I was a bit moved myself." _You're fatigued, YOU'RE fatigued! Aww, did someone wave their glowstick just a little too hard? While you were piddledicking around, I was engaging in multiple illegal practices while enjoying death metal. My favorite illegal practice being the wall of death. These two stupid bitches were just sitting there in the opening we made for it, and I think they both died._

The blunette just nodded again and kept moving on. My guess? Toxic shock syndrome.

**SKIP AHEAD ANOTHER DAY**

This week became "Involve Miyuki" week or something, because next thing I knew I was being dragged off to enjoy cherry blossoms by Kagami or something. I was assuming it was just going to be us, but her (may as well be Siamese conjoined at the vagina) twin Tsukasa, and pet Konata were there too. No room for romance between us.

"What are you doing?" Kagami asked as Konata was laying on her back hacking up pink petals. This was the second time in the anime that she was drawn as having a nose, the first time being in episode 13 as she's insulting Kagami for eating cupped noodles. However, that nose is drawn comically, like Kuroi's as she gloats about her favorite team. This means that this is the first true time she's drawn with a nose, "Come on, we're going now."

"You're really proactive about some odd things." Konata noted as well trudged on through this horrible death march.

"Because today's our last chance to see the cherry blossoms in full bloom." Tasty-thighs replied. _Cherry blossoms are misleading, they have nothing to do with either the fruit or the hymen. Both of which are an important part of my everyday life._

"When you put something off until tomorrow or the day after it ends ups raining or the petals start falling." Tsukasa babbled on about something vaguely relevant. I noticed that part of her overalls were unbuttoned, hinting that she probably had just had sex or something in a port-o-potty. I could believe that. _Hm, I think I'll try the drug "ether" this year, that sounds like a good idea._

"Oh yeah, what happened to that goldfish from the summer festival?" Konata asked Kagami, ignoring Tsukasa again.

Kagami blushed, _She ate it didn't she, _"Actually...I ended up feeding him too much...and it ended up like this." The size she made with her hands was about the size of an American football (which is played with the hands).

"Huge. Shogun!" Konata gasped, _If our shogun wasn't a fish, we wouldn't have lost World War 2. Millions of civilian casualties from firebombings aside._

"I took a little too good care of it." Kagami sighed.

"Wait a minute. Are you sure that you didn't feed it something funny? That's no longer a goldfish!" Konata asked her, _Don't count on it. I introduced poprocks and cola into Cherry's diet and she's only lost weight._

"I can only pray that he's living a good life." Kagami cried, I mean literally cried. It gave me a moment to speculate on how much better her Japanese voice actor was over the English one. _Fuck, not supposed to voice that!_

"Are you going to eat it?" Konata asked, _No, but I will._

"How could I!" Kagami looked offended, and sweaty. _I realized that I would never lick the sweat out from under her armpits, feels bad man._

"There's an anime where animals a guy took good care of return as humans to serve him." Konata pointed out.

"You always bring up hardcore references." Kagami said with an eerie smile. _Hey, I can bring __up hardcore references to. Hey, I'm sad because I'll never sell pyrite and an obscenely inflated price. Who got that one? NO ONE. Father I know that you've witnessed a darkness in me, Twas spawned in shadows of the old gallow's tree, I'm but a sad depraved reflection of our inhumanity, The warped exaggeration of the lost and darkest of dreams. Oh two references in one with those lyrics, I'm on a roll! Anyways, I wonder what it would be like if my pets came back to haunt me. Well...there was that cat I drowned when I was six. All those hamsters I burned. My snake ran away, my bearded dragon starved to death, who knows what happened to my turtles. I ate all the fish... No wonder I'm not allowed to come within 200 meters of a pet store._

Konata noticed Kagami looming over a goldfish scooping game, "Kagami. Are you thinking about getting a replacement." _I'd look into it. There's a lot things goldfish can do that Tsukasa can't._

Somehow, SOMEHOW, we ended up being there nearly all night, "It's gotten pretty chilly." _Oh yeah, Kagami's nipples are like thumbtacks under her button-up shirt._

"We should probably head home." Kagami suggested, _No, I go home and you three can stay here and die in the crossfire of a gang war or something. Ah who am I kidding, there's no gangs around here..._

"When you wear daytime clothes to see nighttime cherry blossoms, it gets cold." Konata complained, _And when clouds appear in the sky, rain falls down. So?_

"And your butt gets cold when you sit down." Tsukasa added, _Damn it Konata, you did it again. How about we talk about something that actually matters. Like getting a loan to fund a second season of Berserk._

"I heard the average temperature in March is close to the average temperature in December..." I mindlessly said, _Wait I thought it was like May. Gah, I don't even know what month it is! _"...and April and November are quite similar."

"If it were November or December, I'd definitely wear a lot more." Tsukasa said, _Instead you take this an opportunity to dress slutty. Just like Mio, what a slut._

"In March and April you just tend to dress lighter." Kagami noted, _shut up, just all of you shut up! This is dumb, we're talking about nothing again, just stop!_

"Isn't it because your sick of wearing winter clothes?" Konata asked, _No, it's because the government lies on the morning news and say, "Hey, it's going to be a scorcher today. Make sure to wear as little as possible and do outdoor activities that are far from home!"_

"Maybe it's a way of expressing how you want it to be spring already." I suggested, hoping that would end the conversation, _But then again, when has it ever?_

"You look like you're fine, Kagami." Konata said, obviously flirting, _Fine! Is that the adjective your used, FINE! God damned it Konata, you're not an inner-city African American. _"Maybe it's because you're wearing...Came prepared." _Forgot a few words again._

"I'm not wearing any!" Kagami snapped, _Is that supposed to arouse us? Because it's working...I smell pot, why do I smell pot?_

More pointless conversation that I wasn't going to write down. I wasn't paying attention, I was too busy fretting over how fail I was as a musician because I sucked at learning things by ear.

**SOME AMOUNT OF DAYS LATER**

It was our break, and I was crashed out on the couch midday when the phone rang. It was Konata going on about some conversation involving a ferret in a pool surrounded by a security fence. So pretty much the plot of _Spice and Wolf._

"That's how the conversation went." She finished, _Cool story bro._

"You're welcome to visit but please don't expect too much." I said in my sleepy daze, unaware of the words that I was speaking, "I'm sorry to say that I don't have any pets." _Fuckers keep dying, _"However while we don't have a white, big dog or a parasol. One of our neighbors does."

She gasped then hung up the phone. Which I found pretty damned rude. _Wait, what did I tell her! I'd better go over to Minami's house to ask if I can hide out from Konata and all of them._

**AT MINAMI'S HOUSE**

"My 'friend's' cousin is entering Ryouou. It's a small world after all." I sarcastically told her.

"What are you talking about!" She asked, with no small amount of rudeness. Getting angered by rudeness yet again, I left (making sure to let Cherry free before leaving).

**THE NEXT MORNING (SO. MANY. SCENE TRANSITIONS!)**

"Good morning." I said, barely awake and not aware of who I was talking to. I had spent half the night trying to learn the K-On! ED _No, Thank You_. Only to find out that I was playing the wrong octave for every single part. I was forced to resort to using guitar tabs, and none of those tell you how to play that little mini-solo in the first verse. I learned that part on my own, but it's probably wrong. Then the stupid tab I was reading said, "play with overdriven guitar" which I did. But I'm using a decent Marshall so it came out WAY too distorted, and fuck I hate guitar playing.

"Good morning, Yuki-chan." Tsukasa said with her normal _I don't know where I am right now_ smile. _Oh, you were the ones I was talking to...Aww..._

"Good morning. You're in our class." Konata greeted me, _Yes Konata, yes I am. I'm glad you figured it out._

"Indeed." I sighed in horrible agony. _It really is that time of the year huh. Cool, I'm a senior then, I could buy cigarettes if I wanted to. Wait, I'm in their class again...Greaueraahh FUCK! Well that's just... _"Wonderful!"

"Let's have another great year." Tsukasa eye smiled, _By whose standards? Because if they're mine, we all just lay around completely stoned playing guitar. But NO, we have to be like sober musicians; and let's face it, when has there ever been a good sober band?_

"Let's." Konata agreed. _Where is this trumpet music coming from! _"Kagami's the only one in a different class again." _Someone has to keep Misao occupied and at bay._

"I see you guys all the time anyway." Kagami shrugged, _I hardly ever see you. My God, how much do you have to put up with Konata when I'm not around, I never even thought about that! _"If I weren't in different classes, you'd wear me out."

"That's too bad." I shrugged.

"Onee-chan." Tsukasa interrupted me, still learning words.

"No big deal." Kagami said, which was the truth, "It's the same as usual. Besides, someone like Konata will come borrowing notes or textbooks."

"You know me well." Konata agreed, _You're a teenage girl; not exactly hard to figure out. You get emotional over things that don't matter; and what you like is stupid. BUT BUT MOOKI YOU ARE GIRL TOO! No, I'm not a girl; I'm Miyuki. Learn the difference. Oh jeeze Misao is coming over here..._

Like ants in a storm, we all scuttled away from the oncoming fanged disaster and her pet Ayano. We bravely watched Kagami sacrifice herself as Misao popped her personal bubble. Those two needed to learn to stay in the background where they belonged.

I started this year off right by reading a book. My current choice of literature was a biography of Charles Manson, my other idol. _RaHoWa!_

"I wonder how class assignments are decided." Konata turned around and asked me, _We put on the sorting hat and it gives us a class. Come on Konata, you were there._

"They might try to avoid grouping all the good students together or try to divide up relatives, or split up trouble-makers as much as possible. At least that's what I heard. It probably depends on the school." I just bullshitted like crazy.

"In TV shows, all the trouble-makers end up in one class." Konata replied, _Because TV is completely based on reality._

"It's more exciting that way." I had to tell her.

"But high schools are supposed to gather people of the same level so there shouldn't be any big trouble-makers." She went on, _the fuck do you want from me!_

"That's true."

"Miyuki..." Kagami said from, wherever she had been hiding, _I think that's the first time you've said my name out loud. Ever. _"That's where you say, _You need to realize you're a trouble-maker. _You don't want to be put on the same level as her, right?"

"No, that's not true." I had to tell her, _Because we already went through this in junior high. I say what I really think, then that person ends up having like 7 friends within earshot who all get really pissed off. I end up regretting everything I said and they beat my ass. We're not doing this again. Because everyone's skin here is like paper._

After a comfortable 20 minutes of Kuroi not showing up, we could have only assumed that she was dead. Alas, fate was cruel, "Everybody, sit down!"

Kuroi burst through the door, reeking of beer and pot, "I'm your homeroom teacher, Kuroi. Y'all advanced a year in school so stop acting like you're on a vacation and start working hard." After she finished her speech, she passed out on the desk, _Colonel, permission to speak freely? SIR! Colonel Kuroi, I think that your Kansai accent is as fake as the Bible (take that anyway you want) and you're a crappy Colonel. I believe we would benefit under a different leader, SIR!_

When she eventually came to, she started writing crap on the board and lecturing us, "Well, I won't go on about you about studying all the time..." _Because I won't do it anyways, _"...but this is your last year in high school so I want you to have a meaningful experience." _Ohhh, that possibility died years ago, _"Okay. Let's get straight to class duties." _I call class bad ass! _"Takara. Can you be class representative for the first semester?" _No._

"Yes." _Damn it, why did I say that!  
_"Once you've been class rep, it gets attached to your image." Konata noted, _Konata you're the reason why our country is assumed to be full of superficial children who will buy anything they see on TV and are stuck in stereotypes. Individuality isn't a crime, and the sooner your realize that the better. _

"That's true." I said without thinking...again, "Though I don't have any problem with it." _No. Problem. At. All._

"The teacher usually decides the roles for the first semester." Tsukasa added, _Congratulations TSUKASA, you figured it out!_

"Because of unfamiliar faces it's hard for students to choose." I had to tell her, because she wouldn't figure it out otherwise."

"In Ms. Kuroi's case, isn't it less work for her if she chooses Miyuki-san?" Konata said, _You're saying I'm easy? At least I didn't learn everything about sex first hand from my dad. Yeah, I went there!_

"I can hear you." Kuroi said from behind her, then smacked her hard enough with a book to draw blood. Enough blood to require two band-aids. _Colonel, I entrust the care of the Enclave in your hands. Now if we can just get Minami in here..._

"Sensei's hair was all wild." Tsukasa told Kagami at lunch, _Oh boy, time to teach her about the birds and the bees..._

"But it looks like we'll have another fun year with Ms. Kuroi." I sarcastically said, because fun meant, "sacrificing our education".

"Well she's a fun person." Konata agreed, _that was sarcasm dumbfuck, _"The class atmosphere usually depends on the teacher."

"I see. I get it." Kagami said from behind her, "So you two are blaming your laziness on your teacher." _I blame it on not having enough oxygen at birth for either of them._

"I can hear you." Kuroi said from behind Kagami, _Yes, shoot Tsukasa in the ovaries, brain wash her into helping you take over the last source of pure water, break Kagami's arm, pop her cherry with a pistol, then nearly saw her arm off! Or not..._

I somehow ended up being stuck in their conversations after every class, which was quite irritating. Especially with Konata talking about her time with _my _Minami. Kagami sighed, "Hey now. You've been here two years, and you don't know where the nurses office is?"

"Well, doesn't that just mean I had a healthy two years?" Konata tried to justify. _No, you've been __spreading your disease here for awhile._

"No, you went there for your physicals." Kagami reminded her, _Gah, stop arguing with her. Just let her tire herself out and pass out from low blood sugar or something._

"Oh, yeah." Tsukasa was the one to reply, "I don't think I've ever been in the art room." _Yeah, that would require creative talent._

"If you chose music for your fine art, you wont have a chance to go." I told her. _Tsukasa. Music. Lol. _"I myself have never stepped in the judo hall." _My knife skills are good enough that I don't need to know hand to hand to combat._

"I didn't even know we had a tea room until recently." Konata added, _Um, did you forget what country we're in. Get your fucking stereotypes straight._

"Even after going to the same school for three years, huh. I guess everybody only goes to the places they need to." Kagami said, with her infinite wisdom. _Anyone else want to point out the obvious?_

"I rarely go to the study room." Tsukasa replied, _I guess so._

That caused Konata to perk up, "I go there!" _To what, masturbate? Because that's what I do and it would be a MAJOR turnoff to know that you go there too._

"Unexpected." Kagami curtly responded.

"The silence is perfect for sleeping." Konata told her, _Okay, good. Keep your hands out of your skirt missy. Hm, I remember someone calling short shorts "easy access", but wouldn't those really be skirts? Because short shorts are generally tight around the body, and it's a pain to get unbuttoned and have them down. Not to mention you would probably have to get one leg completely free just to spread your legs enough. Now if you're in room alone, that's no problem; but if you're doing it in public or the restroom then it becomes an issue. Especially since you need to be ready to have your pants on instantly when doing it public, and short shorts are not quick to get on. So for something associated with slutiness, they're not all that sluty. They're cumbersome, and would make a good anti-rape mechanism._

"Really." We replied in eerie unison.

That somehow prompted her to keep going, "Oh, Yu-chan went to find the nurse's office with the girl who helped her during exams." _Wait, wait, WAIT. Yu-chan, that isn't Yutaka is it? Jesus Rotting Crhist, these two are associated somehow! Konata...Tsukasa...Yutaka, then who's the third horsewoman of the apocalypse? _"They ended up in the same class. It's a miracle!" _Damn, I can't defend that front._

"When you stop to think about it..." Tsukasa began to say, _Of course you have to stop to think, _"...the fact that I met and became friends with Kona-chan and Yuki-chan at this school might be a miracle." _You know what Tsukasa, shut the hell up. Have you noticed that NO ONE prompts conversation with you intentionally? It couldn't because all you do is point out the obvious and you literally have to personality to boot. Friends...no, just no._

"Pretty much." Kagami patronized her.

"We can only be here together for one more year." I happily told them, _Just one more year, already 2/3rds of the way through this nightmare. Then it's off to Denmark, or North Korea. Whichever lets me use my doctor's degree for viral research. Because I don't want to help people, I want to kill...everybody. Ever._

"But Kagami was in a different class the whole time." Konata reminded us, _Trade them you for her._

"Don't mention that." Kagami sighed.

The next class started right away, and Konata fell asleep next to me...drooling and snoring quite loudly.

"The correct answer is B. hemlock." Kuroi told us, _Man, trees suck. _"Hey, wake up Izumi!" She enforced it with a solid punch to her head, _Why can't I punch her!_

"Potemkin!" Konata blurted out as she awoke, _Go back to Russia where you belong._

"What were you dreaming about?" Kuroi just had to ask, _Getting brutalized by Russians probably._

"Sorry." She slurred, "I'm actually concentrating really hard on not falling asleep."

"Heh." Kuroi muttered.

"But sensei, they still come! Those demons of sleep!" _Yeah, those darn Russians and their bukakke obsessions._

"Heh." _General Kuroi has no time to waste on your shenanigans. Kagami is out for blood and has help this time. Because SOMEBODY gave Misao a gauss rifle. Wait... what the fuck am I talking about!_

"With no warning. No way to defend! A full-out attack!" Konata kept going on, _Jesus, we don't care about what you and your dad do. We really don't._

"Not sure why you're trying to defend yourself..." She lulled Konata into a false sense of security than punched her again, "Maybe this will help you stay away." _I take back what I said about this woman. She shows up to work piss drunk, high, and beats the fuck out of Konata everyday. No, she's cool in my eyes._

"Miyuki-san, you don't fall asleep in class, right? Is there some kind of trick?" Konata turned and asked me, _Not in a way that people can notice. You know when it looks like I'm smiling with my eyes; actually asleep._

"I wouldn't call it a trick..." I replied, _Because tricks are what you make Minami do, _"But I really need my sleep so I go to bed at eleven..." _Every other day, _"...by the way I went to bed around ten during our second year."

I contently watched Konata squirm at my trolling.

**SO BEGAN THE NEW SCHOOL YEAR**


	16. Owls Are A Waste Of Time

**The story so cool that I don't give it a folder on my computer...**

**MIYUKI THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE CHAPTER 16- OWLS ARE A WASTE OF TIME**

**Disclaimer- I'm not responsible if your stupid ass gets hurt or beat by others for copying anything Miyuki does in this fic. **

**A More Serious Note- **My production speed has drastically slowed down because I'm simply running out of ideas. So far, Mooki has exhausted just about every last way to explain her hate. So I'm just left with outrageous situations, and it's hard to gauge just how outrageous to make them. I want to keep my readers interesting, and keep surprising people with what Mooki does...but, fuck, it's getting hard.

**BUT THAT WON'T STOP ME FROM TRYING**

It was fine spring (summer?) afternoon and I was up in my room having fun with a chemistry set that I stole from some kid down the block, while playing a bit of _Halo Reach_. Everything was as fine as fine could be until Minami pretty much kicked in my door, looking rather upset. I looked up from my gaming and waved, "Good afternoon."

"Miyuki, I'm here because _someone _was playing with Cherry in a way they shouldn't have been." She borderline growled at me. On screen, I fired another tank shell and was rewarded with a angry voice saying _Triple Kill! Invincible! _With four other medals popping up, _Avenger, Reload This, Killjoy, _and _Pull_. Maybe _Reach _had too many medals in the game. Still,there was nothing like turning "Multi-flag" into "Bottomless Slayer" with a tank.

"I thought you got her fixed though?" I raised an eyebrow. Through my proximity chat, I could hear American 12 year olds screaming at me for repeatedly killing them with my Rape Tank.

"No, not like that!" She snapped back at me. "_Someone _just _happened _to paint my dog the colors of the French flag and _stapled _a sign that says, "Bonjuer my name is Senior Woof" into her. Staples, in her flesh! That's not even fully French! In fact, you get nationalities mixed up everywhere. You think that Italy won World War 2 and invented the atomic bomb, that crepes are Chinese, that anyone outside of Norway likes black metal, and that _Iron Maiden_ is American. Whatever, so what's your excuse this time?"

I just shrugged, "It was clearly those gosh darned Mexican French people who commit domestic terrorism through dogs. What can I say? I'm just a lowly Japanese woman, unable to do anything about those Mexican French. Forsooth, forsooth."

"Then explain to me why there are three empty paint cans on your drive way in a bag from the global retail store _Staples_?" She asked. Minami was going to say something else, but a quick sniff of the air stopped her, "Gah, what is that smell! What are you making, it smells poisonous, and things don't usually smell like poison."

"Balsamic napalm." I excitedly told her, "See, I just melt these Styrofoam packing peanuts into this gasoline here. Then I mix it with balsamic napalm and give to Tsukasa to cook with. If all goes well, it'll kill her."

Well I don't want to bore anyone with tales of how that little scuffle ended, so I'll just say that I had to cough up a little bit of money for the chemical bath needed for Cherry. Because the paint I used was the _super flammable_ kind they use as tracers for bullets in WWII fighter planes. Don't ask where I got them because the public isn't allowed to know. So let's skip ahead to school that next day, because stuff happened then...

"If I had to choose, I'd say Kagami's..." Konata said, then pointed at said tsundere to finish her sentence, "...an orc!" _FOR THE HORDE! That would make me a blood elf, Konata a gnome... and Tsukasa would be those dwarves that come at you in groups of 15 in the Black Rock Depths at the very end. Like, it doesn't matter how many blizzards you pop, they'll just keep coming at you. Just like Tsukasa!_

"Why!" Kagami growled, "I'm the only one who's a monster!" _Uh, yeah. At least you weren't a tauren. Speaking of which, I went to Thunderbluff the other day, and I couldn't find a good burger joint anywhere. ZING! _Kagami was about to scream some more when she got a text message, "Yes, hello? This is Hiiragi." _No cellphones in school you selfish cunt, you're endangering all our lives! Brain cancer, BRAIN CANCER!_

"She was all mad at me a second ago..." Konata sighed, looking relatively upset, _Don't worry Konata, I'm just as mad at you as ever... _"How come woman can switch their moods so quickly?" _Why're you asking me? I'm not a girl, I'm Miyuki._

_ WAIT, RANDOM THOUGHT_, "But the other day, my mother..." I went onto recounting this random story, _I'm like, "Yo mom, I'm home and stuff." Then I hear this scream like she's getting plowed in the ass by like five black guys as the same time. So I'm all like, "Ho Shit what's going on in here" Then she's like wailing into the phone, "HI! WAZZUP, MOOKI? YEAH THAT BITCH IS HERE YO_!" _So she walks out all cryin' and shiz and hands me up the phone, and is all like, "Here, phone! From Konata-chan yo." And then Konata says, "No Miyuki, you are the demons." Then Miyuki was a zombie._

Konata sweatdropped as I recounted the tale in the **SAFE FOR YOUNGER VIEWERS **version, "But that wasn't exactly an issue of guile."

"She's exactly the way she seems." I replied, forgetting what we were talking about again.

_ "It's a good thing Miyuki knows so much." Mother said in my flashback, "I can ask you anything I don't know._" Like why dad left you?

"I enjoyed being praised by Mother so I became accustomed to looking things up." I told them" _Although having to explain to her what her date meant by asking if she wanted an "Alabama Hotpocket" was awkward to say the least._

_ "Miyuki knows more than mama does." Mother praised and patted my head in the flashback._

"Now, I enjoy learning as well." I finished, _Although I could never figure out the biggest mystery of all; why the glorious days of my childhood ended so quickly. I never knew why mother and daddy would fight every night. Why the babysitter would have sex on my bed and then show me how to- Wait, why do I care? This is why I keep up my heavy regiment of loathing and drugs, it helps me forget._

_ "So in other words ...I did a wonderful job raising you, right?" She boasted in my flash back again. _Well I am pretty much perfect in every way imaginable, and every one loves me.

"That's how the conversation went." I finished, possibly.

"That's some silly conversation." Konata remarked as Tsukasa giggled in the background, _Shut the fuck up, what kind of conversations do YOU have with your mother? Oh wait, you don't! Then again I would an hero too if I gave birth to someone like you. _"In any case, I now know that you're undeniably your mother's daughter."

"Are we similar?" I asked, _Wait, my mom is actually cool? No, she can't keep up a steady regiment of awesomeness. She didn't even sit through all of "The Human Centipede" with me. _

"Down to the very last gene." She replied, _Gah, I'm going to end up like that? A lonely housewife living off the funds of a horrible divorce? Eh, not too bad I suppose. At least I'm not Tsukasa._

"But...Miyuki isn't good at just studying." Kagami noted, then took a seat next to us, "She knows all kinds of stuff." _Yeah, I can make the drug ether out of the stuff in my garage if I wanted too. In fact, maybe I should..._

"There are many sources of information these days and it's fun to learn a lot." I said, _My sources of information are Google...and Wikipedia. Anything else is too much effort, 2chan can teach you a lot too. They taught me the quietest way to rape someone if I were a man._

"Ehh, I couldn't do it." Konata sighed, _Aww, that's because you were a crack baby. _She leaned back with her arms stretched out, "No motivation. Wanna play! Rely on others in a pinch!" _Hey, that's what I do. Poser. Except for the "rely on others", that's a fast way to disappointment and heartbreak._

"They say that only children and oldest children tend to be selfish." Kagami scoffed, "That's right. Aren't you an only child? I guess it depends on a the person." _No, I have a brother or something... Shit, what was his name again?_

"Not at all." I said with the wave of my hand, _You're wrong Kagami, you're always wrong! _"You could say that I had a model or someone who was like an oldest child in my life." _Yeah, mom would be like "I don't feel like cleaning! Laundry is tiring! Can we order out?" And then the entire house would be a fucking wreck, our clothes would all be dirty, we'd be chasing roaches off, and our diet consisted almost entirely of fastfood. Those were the good old days._

"In our family we have two older sisters..." Kagami began, _THERE ARE MORE OF YOU! _"...and meals turn into battles which helps build character." _Builds character? What are you an old man or something? Character sucks, because if you be yourself then everyone hates you. I bet all of you here are just as fake as the personality I exhibit around you. Now isn't that an interesting thought?_

"So having siblings can be good and bad." Konata observed, _At least you can blame everything on them._

"You can say that about being an only child as well." I contradicted her, _Fuck you, you're wrong too._

"That's right." Tsukasa said after an hour of intense thinking about which hand was her left, "Miyuki-chan spaces out sometimes."

"Space out, is it?" I asked with my "Miyuki ain't amused face", _I space out, I SPACE OUT! You've been staring at the ceiling with one eye facing a different direction for some time now, and I'm the one who spaces out_.

"You know, like the other day when you walked into the door." She reminded me, _No, I had that band-aid because Minami punched me in the forehead when I tried to de-skirt her in the lunch line. Girl's got a mean left hook, what can I say?_

"That sounds like something Miyuki would do." Kagami agreed, _You know what sounds like something Kagami would do? Anal masturbation, that's what. Sick fuck._

"Indeed." I sighed, not really caring anymore, "The other day, I was warming a drink..." _I went and recounted to them how I left my coffee in the microwave over and over again, and how I was wearing the sexiest sweater vest ever. I...I didn't say that part, but it was certainly implied. Anyways, my mother called me names and hurt my feelings, then offered to heat my coffee. She forgot too so I was forced to drink cold back coffee with all the grounds at the bottom. But that's okay, because I like my coffee just like I like metal. Black._

"Like mother, like daughter." Konata said again, _Looks like it I guess. Well, what're you gonna do?_

"Though it's embarrassing." I shrugged, still not caring, _At least I'm not Tsukasa._

"When did you start wearing glasses, Miyuki-san?" Konata asked, _When I got exposed to mustard gas after mixing some cleaning products with pennies in a jar in my room. That stuff BURNS if it gets in your eyes._

"Midway through grade school I believe." I replied, _Jeeze, that long ago? Man, I didn't know that I've been making chemicals in my room for like 10 years? I can only imagine how that lake where I dump them is doing._

"So you weren't born nearsighted." Kagami, with her infinite wisdom, pointed out, _No, no one's born nearsighted!_

"When I was little I loved how my mother would read to me before I went to sleep." I told them, _The Black Company Books were among my favorites, _"But my mother would fall asleep first and I would want to know what happened so I would read by myself in the dark room and eventually my eyes..." _That was when I got the Anarchists Cookbook. I remember my first homemade explosive, a mixture of brake fluid and __Calcium Hypochlorite found in pool bleach._

"But it's best when you're close to your parents like that." Kagami said, "The reason kids these days tend to be cold and apathetic may be lack of and intimacy." _Where does that leave me?_

"That's right, I wonder when the last time Mom gave me a big hug was." Tsukasa wondered, _Let's see the last time I got a hug from my Mom was... Let's see it was right around when I got that guitar from my uncle...So around seven years ago._

"You're clingy, so you were really close to Mom until middle school." Kagami reminded her, _God, that woman must be a trooper. I could never keep my sanity if I had some parasite following me around telling me how she pissed herself again. I've owned better behaved cats. Man, Tsukasa is going to be fucked after high school when Kagami moves out and leaves her. I can see her in 20 years gaining 145 kilos and living in a wreck of an apartment. Dirty clothes, rotting food everywhere, she'll have to spray Raid to keep the cockroaches out of her fat rolls. And she'll most likely die while choking on ramen while watching fandubbed anime on youtube. A heroes death._

"Really?" Tsukasa gasped, _We weren't expecting your memory to be all that great._

"That might be why you're such a good girl." Kagami suggested, _This dirty, mayonnaise covered koala fucker is a good girl? Then I must be the queen of nicyness. That's not really fair to compare them to me though. I think the worse thing I've ever done in my life is use the Scorpion to go 72 and 0 on Hemorrhage. Hate mail; hate mail everywhere. It could also be worth noting that all the achievements in that game are quotes from the other four. I wonder what would happen if line breaks in the this story were quotes from other stories by Tastychainsaws?_

**ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED 10G- RED CEREALS?**

"My dad is still really clingy about me." Konata added, _That's because he's a pedophile._

"That might be because you haven't grown up in a matter of speaking." Kagami sighed, _See, even she agrees with me. If you were as tall as I was, or had a full chest, then he would have to find some other little girl to grind against._

"Speaking of kids, there sure have been a lot of cases of kidnapping and confinement." Konata replied, _HEY! I always let them go!_

"You seem to be sensitive to that stuff." Kagami said with a bit of awe, _Look at her home life. __Mystery solved._

"Well, first, I'm worried about my dad." Konata answered, _Because that doesn't make your home life sound any better._

"Don't just blurt out scary things." Kagami deadpanned, _You insensitive cunt. The love between a man and his underage daughter is something be embraced, and posted all over the internet for all to see. _

"Well, it more or less has something to do with the games I play. I'd wish they'd stop since it creates problems for the other users." Konata complained, assuming people knew what she was talking about, _I can say for a fact that no one in the Halo: Reach community has been directly affected by my antics in real life. Although I've certainly made them break a few controllers with my in game antics. It's their fault for exposing their puckered anuses for the Rape Tank to have its way with._

"At the very least, this stuff doesn't happen in the games I play." Kagami replied, pretending to know what she's talking about, _The only games you play are shit like Cooking Mama so your opinion is invalid. I tried making food using the recipes in Cooking Mama, I ended up getting food poisoning from undercooked meat. Apparently you have to cook the eel for more than 8 seconds..._

"Oh, yeah. It's almost been a year." The less than Miyuki bluenette remarked, _What, a year since your last miscarriage._

"Since what?" Kagami asked, looking vaguely interested.

"Since I started working." She replied, _Bullshit, there's no way you can hold a job when I can't ,_ "My coworkers said they're going to do something to celebrate." _Celebrate? Celebrate what? The only thing I would celebrate is the day you finally inject chocolate in your arteries and die._

"That's right. We've never gone before." Kagami remembered, _And it should stay that way, _"Maybe we'll check out the place you work some time." _WE being you and Misao while I stay at home doing Miyuki things. _"As payback for New Years?" _What, did you get fingered from behind or something? Why am I never kept in the loop?_

"Sure!" Konata happily agreed.

"It's okay? Don't people usually hate that?" Kagami sweat dropped, _People hate getting customers in to pay them tips? What world do you live in?_

"Well, half my job is let other people look at me." Konata reminded her, _Clothes optional. _

"It's called a costume cafe, right?" Tsukasa asked, _Tsukasa is a time paradox in her own right. She is literally lagging about seven seconds behind everyone, but projects an image to our time. _

"Let me know before you come." _Because her dad never does. _"It can be pretty crowded at times."

"We'll do that." Kagami decided, _You will, Miyuki won't._

"Hey y'all." Kuroi greeted us in her fake Kansai accent, "Class started." _She's not animated into this scene of course._

**ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED 25G- ALRIGHT PICKLES THE CAT, YOU CAN LICK MY FEETIES THEN**

...Were my thoughts as I wandered around downtown Kusakabe with the Hiiragi mistakes, _Oh sure MISAO gets a town named after her..._

"Hello?" Kagami stopped and answered her phone, we were still in our uniforms because seeing Konata in her little strip joint was SRS FUKKN BSNS, "We just left the station...Yeah, yeah, we'll buy it for you...Okay, okay." _Oh what now, do we have to buy cat food for her?_

"Did Kona-chan say it was okay?" Tsukasa asked, _Wait, we dragged our asses out here and we don't even know if we're able to get in! NO! It's even worse since my glasses don't cover my eyes all the way and it rapes my depth perception._

"It's okay but she wants us to go and buy this month's comp and the Lelou**CENSORED FOR YOUR PROTECTION **manga for her." Kagami relayed for us.

"I wonder if we can find it quickly." I wondered, _I need to get home hit Lt. Colonel before my gold runs out on Friday. And I am NOT forking over the 900 yen for another month. I need that money for my underground cockfighting ring._

"She said to remember to ask the clerk to stamp the receipt, sounds complicated." Kagami went on as we walked, _Yeah, really complicated. Well, we can't all be cut out for basic menial tasks like stamping receipts._

"Excuse me." A rather pasty otaku greeted us, _Back off, I could kill you the blink of an eye and call self defense. Cute Miyuki vs. otaku who no doubt has a few gigs of lolicon on his hard drive. Who do you think wins in court? _"Do you have a minute? Can I take a picture?" He was standing in front of Tsukasa, _Oh this isn't creepy at all. _ He didn't wait for a reply, he just starting snapping away at a terrified Tsukasa.

"I'm not Kamigishi." Tsukasa muttered, _You are if I say you are! _"I'm Hiiragi." She blushed and fidgeted in place, it was quite awesome. This only made his public erection more noticeable as he stepped forward to get a better angle, _Poser, I've been putting picture of Tsukasa on the internet far before you kids ever where. Also, nice Jewfro, asshat. _

"Hey!" Kagami snapped, _Yeah, punch his dick with your mouth! _"What are you doing!"

"Can I also get a picture?" Another otaku spawned behind us with a cellphone, _Nice spawns, they're appearing in my line of sight. Every time I try to spawn, it always says- "Survivors can see you!"_

"Sheesh!" Kagami answered, then blocked his camera phone, "Stop that!"

"Excuse me. Could you say Hiroyuki-chan?" The first one asked, _Can you say "How much Haruhi could a Haruhi Haruhi if a Haruhi could Haruhi Haruhi Haruhi?"_

"Hi-Hiroyuki..." Tsukasa stuttered, engaging in the worlds oldest profession.

"We're leaving." Kagami firmly declared, and grabbed Tsukasa before she could finish the sentence. The first one gasped in awe in my divine beauty was I walked past him, I think the second one jizzed in his pants. That was a common occurrence when men were around me, spontaneous ejaculation. Sometimes for women too.

We ended up browsing one of those stores that sells nothing but anime and manga, _Because real books are scary. _"This is the first time I've ever been in one of these places." I noted as we walked on, "It's so big that I'm quite nervous." _I've read enough doujins to know that this is perfecting raping ground...Speaking of which, is that a copy of "Requiem 5 A Dream" over there?_

"She said on the phone that we'd see it once we got here." Kagami replied, _Take your time, I've been wanting to read Requiem as a hard copy for awhile. The internet isn't the same. I want my doujin of Ui getting stomped by her sister in person. Speaking of doujins, the number of sex ones I've seen goes into the quadruple digits. I've seen girls penetrated and brutalized in every way possibly imaginable. And not once did I ever want to be in any of those situations, yet all those girls look like they're loving it. I dunno, something about my vagina being torn asunder by dragons or tentacles doesn't sit well with me. Hell, I don't even like tampons._

"Kona-chan would know." Tsukasa noted, "I'd get lost if I were alone." _You get lost inside your head. _It really didn't help that this place had like five floors, because one isn't enough.

"Here it is." Kagami said as we found the comp magazine, "Now we just need the Lelou**CENSORED FOR YOUR PROTECTION **manga."

"Not here." Tsukasa, in all her wisdom, said after about 10 seconds of looking, _If you knew how to read, this would be much easier._

"I can't find it." I replied, _Implying I actually looked._

"Excuse me." Kagami said to that pink haired girl who Tastychainsaws meant to put into _Falling Stars _but forgot over and over again, "Where would I find the Lelou**CENSORED FOR YOUR PROTECTION **manga?"

"That would be this." She replied, then handed Kagami a censored manga."

"Code Ge**CENSORED FOR YOUR PROTECTION.** You could have at least told us the title." Kagami astrally projected at Konata, _No, that would go against Konata's policy of being the must insufferable cunt possible._ We got up to the register and payed for this stuff with _our money_, "Can I put this on a point card next time?"

"Then you'll have to bring this receipt with you." She happily, _too happily_, replied.

"Okay." Kagami agreed, and made the purchase.

"Thank you very much!" Clerk lady waved us off, _God, I've never seen a more lonely soul. She's looks even lonelier than me when I listen to Burzum while drinking._

"Now we just have to find Konata." Kagami said was we walked out, _No, let's not find her._

When we got to the street, Kagami brought up the mini-map, "How are we supposed to find our way?" Konata had drawn a crude square with multiple childish doodles.

"I looked it up just in case." I assured her, _Because I'm not a dumbshit, _and whipped out my superior map that marked the location of Vietcong sniper nests in the area. Kagami glared over at me with envious eyes. I gave her a smug look and pointed in the direction of Konata's place, "I believe that's the way."

"That's our Yuki-chan!" Tsukasa praised me, _No, that's MY Yuki-chan. _

"Guess we can only count on Miyuki." Kagami agreed, _Because everyone else on this planet fails. I'm sick of busting my ass because everyone around me consistently fails to complete even the most basic tasks. Seriously, if they ever make me change Tsukasa's diaper, I'll just kill myself._

We crossed the street to this run down building with a bike leaning against the wall. Kagami didn't seem so sure, "This is the place, right?"

"Yes. On the third floor." I assured her, _Three level of stairs make up the journey that the otaku must make. Many die along the way, because a 30 degree incline is death upon their weak knees. Their carcasses mark our way as we begin the climb. However, since we're not fucking degenerates, we easily made it to the third floor...Why am I narrating this in my head?_

It said 'Open Maid Cafe' on the door in Moonspeak, I mean, 'English'. Kagami opened the single door to find Konata waiting for us, smelling of stale sweat. Now I've never really considered myself a psychic, but I wasn't at all surprised when she was dressed as Haruhi. You see, Konata is one of those people who takes her obsessions to far.

"Welcome back, Master!" Konata greeted us, _Oh I get it! It's a Haruhi reference! Oh you. _Luckily, Kagami was there to make the face that I was making in my head. Tsukasa didn't seem at all bothered by this, because she hadn't reached that point in her time line yet. Paradoxes confuse me. The cafe was made up of eight circular tables, two of which were occupied by one person each. There were six computers on one wall, two of which had people publicly looking at porn. Off to the side I saw a terrible blonde cosplay of Mikeru, and then two surprisingly canny cosplays of Kyon and Nagato. It was a 50-50 chance as to whether or not they were cosplays, or if KyoAni likes to masturbate to their own creations.

"The first hour is 800 yen." Konata told us, _I'm not even going to make a joke about that, too easy, _"All the soda you can drink." _Soda? Fucking classy, WE JUST EAT AT THE NICEST PLACES, DON'T WE GUIZ! _"All the games you can play for free." _No Reach though, gay. _"All the sweets you can eat." _I'm going to assume that includes Vanilla Crazy Cake, it BETTER include Vanilla Crazy Cake_.

The three of us I sighed when Konata walked away to go throw up in the restroom or something. I looked over at Kyon interaction with Nagato.

"Can I get this broiled eel?" He asked.

"Currently not available." Yuki replied, in a voice stunningly similar to Minami's, _Now that's quality service yo._

"Then the shrimp pilaf..."

"Currently impossible." He was cut off again, _Well, well, well, I get the feeling that we have a seafood embezzler among our ranks._

"Then spaghetti with meat sauce." Kyon desperately tried to find something that was there, _But he would wake up to this day seven more times!_

"It will take fifteen minutes." Yuki told him, _They probably get this stuff from down the street. _Kyon didn't look very happy, but Yuki just stared at him, "Permission?"

"Okay. Do it." He seductively told her.

"They can do business like that?" Kagami stared in awe, but a voice that sounded exactly like Haruhi's interrupted her wonderings.

"You people." Konata/Haruhi barked at us, "What do you want to drink?" _Rum and Sunny-D please_.

"H-hold on a sec." Kagami demanded, then picked up the menu.

"Hurry it up. There's a penalty if you take too long. A penalty!" Konata screamed at her, _I'm almost positive that this "penalty" goes against the rules of the Federal Bureau Of Business_.

"Is this how you should treat a customer?" Kagami growled, _Y-yeah Kagami, that's the joke._

"It's how we do things here." Konata happily replied, _And business is booming it looks like. Whoa, WHOA, that kid over there on the computer is in a raid group that's taking down Arthas. Damn. _Her voice went back to the Haruhi version, "You're done deciding, right?"

"I'll have a melon soda." Tsukasa happily told her, _God damned it, your monotone use of the English language makes my ears bleed. If I ever say "melon soda" like that, please stab me in the boobs._

"I have no interest in an ordinary menu." Konata scuffed, _Oh I get it! It's a Haruhi reference. Oh you. _Tsukasa just cocked her head in confusion.

"I'll have milk tea." I told her, _Because nothing here can give me a buzz. But I think I can spike this with my flask when no one's looking._

"What do you want?" Konata asked Kagami for the umpteenth time.

"I'm looking!" Kagami snapped back, _You're going to be the girl who goes out to eat with friends and buy the most expensive thing on the menu and eats it all smugly in front of us, aren't you?_

"A brigade member shouldn't be this slow!" Konata said to herself, _Tell that to Tsukasa._

"When did I become a brigade member?" Kagami asked with narrowed eyes, _Just order something so I can get my fucking milk tea!_

"That's the setting in this place." Konata whispered, further delaying my tea, _You just earned yourself a 5% tip. _Then her voice changed again, "You're a hundred years too early be defying the chief." _Lolwut?_

"What a pain...Then give me an ice coffee." Kagami finally decided, _Wow, that's like what Tsukasa's order and mine combined, and doubled, costs. You're paying for our tab._

"Order from the chief! Wait here!" Konata shouted at her, _So who here wants to dine and dash?_

Kagami face palmed, "Oh, boy..."

**ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED 15G- DO YOU TWO SMELL MOLDY TEA OR SOMETHING?**

"Hasn't stunk in a while..." Kagami said in between bites of food, _Oh man I'm going to be sick... Way to ruin mustard for me too!_

Konata stepped in front of our table, interrupting our classy conversation, "We're going on stage now so watch." _Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like this?_

The lights went out, then a spot light appeared on Konata as "Hare Hare Whatever", the ED for _The Melancholy Of Haruhi Failzumiya _began playing. Konata did the little dance, which required a very low animation budget to do thankfully. Blonde Mikeru and Yuki were quick to join her, adding even more fail to this spectacle of degeneration. I just sat there with the look of utter disgust as I tried to analyze the obnoxious lyrics that went with this, _No, if you solve all the mysteries of the planet, then you'll have millions of religious people pissed off at disproving their Gods. That's when you scream, "AVE SATANI" and watch them squirm._

My Extraordinary Thespianism came out again as I clapped along with Tsukasa. Kagami's face was what I was making in my mind. She freaked out verbally as I freaked out mentally as the pasty pale Otaku's dancing along. _Look there Kagami and be thankful...None of these men will ever pass on their genes. Hm, that makes me wonder...I wonder who would be a good candidate to father my child? Surely I would want the strongest, smartest, most not-fail man I could find to help me foster a super-baby. So far my candidates are Jesus, Tom Hanks, and Sakis Tolis. All three of which I will probably never meet in my time._

The show ended and everyone around me started clapping like it was a fucking _Houkago Tea Time_ concert. That meant they were clapping mostly out of respect for the musicians, but not really because it was any good.

"Sugoi!" Tsukasa cheered, **Translator's Note- Sugoi means, "Cool story bro". **Meanwhile, the otaku guys were crying out for an encore.

"They're all very talented." I sarcastically remarked, _I would love to see these kids go to a black metal show and see real talent at work. And watching them get killed in the pits would be cool too._

"Ponytail version next!" Someone in the audience called out, _WHAT? _"Ponytail version next!"

The lights came on and Konata felt that she _had _to introduce us to Blonde Mikeru, "She's an exchange student. A first-year at our school."

"My name is Patricia Martin." She told us, _Bullshit. One- that's not an American accent. Two- That's not how Americans pronounce their names. Three- Anyone who has done even a speck of research on this country knows that being an exchange student here sucks. Xenophobes, xenophobes everywhere. _"Nice to meet you."

"We've even put out a CD." Konata lied, because that just couldn't be true, it was, "Here!" She showed us a CD with her and Martin making a heart with their fingers and promoting Capitalism.

"Should you really release something like that?" Kagami asked, _Yeah, there's no way it would sell. What they SHOULD do is have their singer commit suicide with a shotgun. Then they can take pictures of the mess and make it an album cover, then send pieces of her skull to other musicians._

"Excuse me." I spoke up, "Can I get some tea?" _Seriously, I ordered it like an hour ago._

"Do you want warm tea?" Martin-face asked me, _Did I SAY I wanted it iced?_

"Yes. Hot tea please." _Then take your stupid ass back to where you belong. I heard you guys are trying to instigate war with another country, go be cannon fodder!_

"I'd like a melon soda please." Tsukasa said again, _AHHH MY EARS!_

"Got it." She nodded, _And then she'll come out with melon bread and a long island tea._

"Uh..." Kagami got her attention, "What's this Up-To-Us Mixed Juicy Juice like?" _Probably laced with something dangerous._

"Classified information." She replied with a stupid little grin, _Oh I get it! It's a Haruhi reference! Oh you._

"House rules." Konata whispered to Kagami again.

"This cafe really exhausts me." Kagami said under her breath.

**ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED 150 G- AZU-NYAN'S TOUCHING ME!**

I was walking the halls between classes, because I had to use the restroom, when someone pulled me aside. It was Minami, she looked distraught, "You! You're friends with Izumi right!"

"No, common misconception." I replied.

"Well you still know her. Tell her if she ever touches my chest again, I'm filing sexual harassment charges." Minami asked of me.

"Oh, I'm sure that could be arranged." I smiled and walked back to class. All in all, it would be best _not _to tell Konata this. When I returned, Konata was quick to begin her daily babble.

"Hey you two. Have you ever been to a class reunion?"

"Not yet." I replied, _They wouldn't let me anyway. Too many fights...too many fights... _

"Me neither." Conformist Tsukasa added as well, "But where did that come from?" _Something anime related most likely._

"Isn't the phrase 'you haven't changed a bit' supposed to be a compliment?" She asked, _Is this what goes on in your head? _"But the people who want to hear that have probably changed considerably in various places."

"So it does concern you." Tsukasa subtly pointed out the fact that Konata was bitching.

Then it was Kuroi's turn to speak with the class started, "Golden Week's starting but listen up." _No, you accent is fake, _"You've also got tests right after break but don't forget that you're preparing for exams and use your vacation wisely. Also...you still have a few days left of school before break. I won't let you take any sick days." _I'll try not to get shot then..._

"Kamchatka!" Sebastian screamed out, _Which is Russian for...something..._

Our next class was home economics, something we did like once a year. I was fighting the power by keeping my hair down and not tied back. Tsukasa was cutting carrots way to thickly for our soup, but we were letting it slide, "When you're boiling something you use rough cutting and cut them into random shapes."

"My...Really..." _I'm 100% none of that was true._

"That increases the total surface area and lets the taste soak in." She tried to justify, _OR, we could just peel the carrot then cut it normally. But you're too lazy and now our soup is going to fail and everyone will die. Cool._

Then Konata tried to lecture me, "Once you've scooped out the lye you let it cook on medium for about ten minutes. It'll become soggy if it sits too long so take it out once you can poke through."

"I see." I nodded, _But we're making brownies, how does this apply?_

Kagami stared us all down, "Somehow, when it's home ec Miyuki starts to look below average." _Why, because I don't fall for their crap?_

"I now know how you see us." Konata murmured, _That's how everyone sees you._

**UNTIL NEXT TIME...**

A quick shout out to _Starasp _for beta-reading this for me. If there are any errors, feel free to break into his house and brutally sodomize him. 


	17. Competition

**Oh God how did this get here I am not good with Mooki...**

**MEYOOKAY THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE CHAPTER 18- MEETING THE COMPETITION**

After staying up all night playing _Minecraft_, my thoughts turned to the days when Minami and I were closer than two things that were really close (similes are not my strong point). Back when we were little and went to the same school where we wore those blue dresses. She would tug at my skirt, and it would make the corner of my panties ride up until they were really uncomfortable. I would have to go the restroom and fix them again, because it was that uncomfortable. But what happened to those times? Those happy days where we didn't have a care in the world? Who was it who said we were as close as sisters?

"Happy birthday Kona-chan!" Tsukasa said and handed the birthday girl her gift bag. _This is not a day to celebrate, this is not a day to celebrate at all. Wait, its already the 28__th__? Wow. Hold on, this was the day that Germany killed 1800 Czechs for assassinating what's-his-face. Let's celebrate that! Senseless slaughter for the fucking win._

"I would have forgotten if Tsukasa hadn't mentioned it." Kagami blushed, and absent mindedly played with her cheek, _Oh cut the tsundere nonsense. Next we're going to hear, "It's not because I like you or anything!" _

"Congratulations." I said, and raised up the box of Pokemon cards I stole from a kid down the block.

"Thanks everyone." Konata replied to us, _But mostly thank me. I mean it is my fault that you were even born._

Kagami was blushing again, "It makes me happy when people celebrate my birthday..." _Because you're self-centered, _"...but at this age, I really can't be happy about getting older." _I cannot, for the life of me, see where you're coming from. I guess someone wants to be a little girl forever. Unlike Tsukasa, that's just not going to happen for you._

"Nah. It makes me super happy." Konata replied, _Oh Dead Cthulu no, she's old enough to drive. The mortality rate in this area is going to triple now._

"Why?" Kagami asked.

"Do you want to get a driver's license?" Was my question.

"Because I can play adult games now." She clarified, _Oh come on, I was playing "Horny Tentacle Bunnies in Panty World" long before you even knew such games existed._

"Haven't you been openly playing them the whole time?" Kagami asked, _Not nearly as open as she could. Minami got mad once because I went into this in depth thing on how my wizard in this game could summon tentacles to butt-rape all the girls in the land...while we were at a crowded restaurant._

Konata put on her innocent face, "Of course not."

Kagami sighed and pushed down on Konata's head, "You've grown older without aging mentally or physically." _Neither have any of you too. Everyone here looks just like they did two and a half years ago when school started. Except me, I think I'm at least 200% sexier. I mean, I would shamelessly masturbate to pictures of myself, and I'm sure others would as well if they had access to them._

"Let me go!" Konata flailed her arms as Kagami pushed her head down, _Yeah, make her suck it!_

"Miyuki probably gets mistaken for someone older." She glanced back at me.

"'Cause Yuki-chan looks like an adult." Tsukasa agreed, _No, we all look like children. At first glance, no one could tell that we were in our last year of high school._

Story time, "When I go out in my normal clothes I occasionally get mistaken for an office lady." _Because women can't be anything other than secretaries apparently._

"So they skip straight past college." Konata sadly remarked, Kagami lovingly stroked her hair in a gesture of affection, _They're so gay for each other it's not even funny._

Kagami looked down at her, lips about to touch, "In your case if you walk around in your normal clothes they'll think you're in grade school." _Fuck Kagami, you SUCK at foreplay._

Konata put her fist at chest and proudly declared, "Say what you want. Starting today, I'm an adult!"

The twin-tailed misogynist wasn't buying it, "What are you talking about? Besides if you're an adult now shouldn't you be less passionate about anime and manga?" _Shouldn't you be less passionate about whining non-stop about other people's hobbies. It's always, "BAWW stop liking what I don't like!"_

Konata looked genuinely offended, "Y-You still need to have a child-like heart filled with with passion and dreams!"

"Make up your mind." Kagami sounded quite condescending.

The following day we were given this assignment on our future aspirations. I went the medical route since I could kill people and blame it on other interns. Konata just stared at the paper, "Future aspirations, huh?"

"I have dreams and stuff but it's kind of hard when you stop and think about it." Tsukasa remarked, _Only for you it is._

"That's right." I replied to my own thought, "The major you decide on will have an effect on your career." _Unless you live in America, then you just spend the rest of your life paying off student loans while working as a delivery boy and living in your parents basement. U Jelly Murrica?_

Konata peered over at Tsukasa's paper, "First is nutritional science. Second is fashion design. Third is marketing." _Tsukasa, do you go out of your way to be the biggest tool you can be? You're like the stereotypical girl. The next thing that comes out of your mouth better be some inspirational Shakespeare level insight of the plight of women, or I will lose all respect for you._

"Since I like cooking and sewing." She replied, _All respect lost_.

"So you wrote down all your dreams." Konata observed, _That better not be the case._ "And what about you, Miyuki-san?"

"I want to be a doctor so while I didn't write down colleges I put medical schools for all three choices." I replied, _Too bad that one is in Denmark and the other is in South Africa. The latter is a good school...I just have a much greater chance of getting AIDs in South Africa then here or Denmark. I guess it would some pretty good irony if I went to Denmark and got AIDs from a toilet seat not even ten minutes from leaving the airport._

"That's our Miyuki-san." Konata said, _Implying you own me_, "You have a clear goal." _That's right, to decide who lives and who dies, _"What about you Kagami?"

"Me?" She asked rhetorically, _The pointyness of your eyes rivals that of Minami's sometimes. Fortunately for us both, I like pointy, _"My first choice is law. My second choice is economics. My third choice is literature." _Sounds like a prime candidate for suicide in their 30's to me_.

"Sheesh." Konata scoffed, "Too boring."

"Is that a bad thing?" Kagami borderline growled, _If it leads to you an heroing, then no it isn't_. "What about you?" She yanked Konata's sheet away, then chuckled after reading it, "Here we go. Some people try to turn it into a joke. Actually, do you have any talents besides making faces?" _And I'm sure you have many Kagami. _

"Talents..." Konata had to think for a moment, "I can name every Pokemon!" _Who cares, they all start to derp at the last two regions anyways._

"That's definitely amazing." Kagami stuttered, _No it's not! I can name every weapon used in World War 2, their rate of fire, magazine size, effective range, and overall usability. _"But it has nothing to do with your future."

**AFTER SCHOOL**

Like any other day, I invited myself over to Minami's house because my Xbox got banned because, apparently, making it so your guns in _Modern Warfare 2 _fire endlessly and kill instantly is against the rules. So I was contently playing _Halo: Reach _while she was on the phone with what was presumably a boyfriend or something. In the game, I was continually restarting the first level at the last checkpoint to get the _Flawless Cowboy _commendation up to Onyx level in no time.

"Yes, I know what you mean." Minami was talking into the phone, "She missed him by mere minutes... It's sad, really... You have to talk softer, alright. Ah, don't yell like that."

"Sounds like the most boring phone sex ever." I noted.

She put her hand over the phone and snapped at me, "Shut up, we're talking about an anime!"

"If it's _Black Rock Shooter _than have her explain the ending to me. I don't get it." I replied, then finished the level again, gaining me even more credits.

"It's not that hard to figure out, Black Rock Shooter is an embodiment of Mato's desire to see Yomi again." Minami said back to me.

"And that's found through cellphone accessories?" I asked, then finished the level again.

"That was supposed to represent a bond between them, something you'll never understand...No Yutaka, I'm still here." Minami went back to her phone conversation.

In my game, something terrible happened. I was kicked back to the main menu where a message I had never seen before appeared before my eyes. _Dear, TakaraChainsaws, your credits and Halo:Reach service rank have both been reset back to zero and private for unfairly exploiting the game to gain credits faster than your peers. You can regain those credits and ranks by by enjoying Halo: Reach matchmaking and Campaign... _"NOOOO!"

"Miyuki, don't yell like that! You know how it makes Cherry pee on the carpet!" Minami snapped at me.

I screamed again and kicked the stupid X-box over. _How could they do this to me! I mean I made it to Warrant Office Grade 1 all by myself, asking for anything more than that is like asking Tsukasa to not pee on the seat. It's not fair! _Then a little message appeared on the TV prior the console being knocked over, "Disc is unreadable".

"What did you do to my disc?" Minami asked me.

"N-Nothing." I lied, then exited to the dashboard. Sure enough, the "play game" option was replaced with "open disc tray", once again it claimed the disc was unreadable. Apparently knocking over the console burned a ring into it. I took the disc out and observed the ring burned into it.

"You're playing something else? You begged me to unlock the doors and let you in just to play that." Minami was getting suspicious.

"Just felt like playing _Gran Turismo 5_." I lied, then tried to buff the scratch out by using my shirt and thumb.

"That's a PS3 exclusive." She reminded me.

"I mean _Forza 3_!" I screamed again, then went to work harder at buffing the disc out. Things took a turn for the worse when I pressed too hard and snapped the disc nearly in two. So I did what a mature, responsible person would do...shoved it into the _Chromehounds _case, ever since that game's multiplayer went offline, no one had touched it, "Never mind, no more Xbox for me."

"Alright then I'm going to play. It's weird, I'm kind of in the mood to replay _Chromehounds_' campaign." She told me, I was sprinting out her door in mere seconds. After turning off my cellphone and locking myself in my room, I was safe from what would surely be her rage.

The following morning on the bus to school, I listened to Kagami and Tsukasa chattered as I prepared myself for Minami's coming revenge. Kagami was seemingly upset about something, "You still haven't gotten your clothes back from Matsuri?" _Wait, WHAT? _Tsukasa made an agreeing noise, "That's bad. If you don't ask for them back soon she'll say they're hers." _I can relate to that, like how Cherry is really mine more than she is Minami's._

"That would be bad!" Tsukasa began to panic, "I really like those!" _Not enough to fight for them apparently._

Kagami sighed, then I turned to Konata and spoke, "I envy Kagami-san and Tsukasa-san for having two sisters." _If I had a sister I would do what Mugi did in that really terrible K-On! Fanfiction, __Rice of Nutrition or whatever, and just blame everything on her. Then I could say that it was my sister, Yukimi who broke _Reach_. Of course this would only work if Yukimi lived somewhere like Ethiopia or Somalia._

"Pretty much." Konata stared forward, _Oh don't you ignore me! I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!_

"Really?" Kagami asked from behind me, "In my opinion I'd rather be an only child like you two." _Well I need another sister, because Minami is going to make me pay for that game! _Kagami turned to Tsukasa, "Right?"

"I get that feeling sometimes..." Tsukasa mildly agreed, _Because you're a truly hateful person_.

Konata turned around to face them, "But you know, you can do so much more with a bigger cast. Like the story set in olden America..." _The only olden America I know is the game they made us play in middle school to help boost our English vocabulary, and help us with our reading. "Oregon Trail", the game where everyone dies in the Rocky Mountains, or get fired for morale being to low. _"...of a mother and her four daughters waiting for their father to return. Or an enigmatic band of female thieves who target art." _Pack your bags girls, we're going to France. LOUVRE HO! _"Huh? One too many." _I'm missing something._

When we got to school, something terrible happened right away. Minami was waiting for me by my class, that girl Yutaka was next to her, "Miyuki, there you are."

"Ha ha, Minami, fancy meeting you here." I nervously replied.

"This is my classroom." She told me, _Huh, so it is._

"Of course it is, well I'll be on my way then." I pleasantly told her, then turned around, _Seriously, how did I get that mixed up?_

"Wait, Miyuki!" She called out, I cringed, "You should meet my friend Yutaka, I told her all about you."

"I hope your description was selective..." I said under my breath, then turned around, "Nice to meet you Yutaka-san."

"Hello Miyuki-senpai, Minami-chan told me how you're like an older sister to her." Yutaka greeted me.

"You didn't look in the _Chromehounds _case did you!" I nearly shouted, ignoring Yu-whatever her name was.

Minami raised an eyebrow, "Nah, didn't go through with playing it. That reminds me, did you do anything with _Reach _I can't seem to find it."

"I think I saw Cherry run off with it." I put on my best innocent face.

She sighed, "Again? Well, I have to use the restroom, be back in a second."

Yutaka and I stood together as she walked off to go relieve herself. When she was safely out of range, Yutaka turned and looked up at me; she didn't look happy, "Look, I know you don't like me, and I sure as hell don't like you."

"Why is you saying that not surprising me?" I just blinked.

"I don't care what kind of relationship you had with _my _Minami up to now, but there's only room for one of us." Yutaka seemed to be dead serious.

"You're trying to turn Minami's friendship into a contest. Cool." I nodded, and had my best poker face on, "Well keep in mind, it was me who saved her system 32 after Cherry deleted it off her computer. Something like that doesn't just go away."

"Like I said, forget about what you and her used to be now, because it's just _me _and her from now on." With that, Minami had returned.

"What what were you two talking about?" She asked.

"Oh you know, politics." I lied.

"You can't name our country's Prime Minister." Minami deadpanned.

"That's because he is a God and I am just a lowly peasant." I replied, then walked off to my own class. _Huh, that Yutaka girl is a jealous, spiteful thing who wants me gone. Who would have guessed?_


	18. Behind Enemy Lines

**All good things must come to an end. Except for Miyuki, let us drink to our Lady of Pain and sing a hymn in her favor...**

**I hate writing this story because I go on youtube to get the dialogue from Lucky Star, but always have my volume all the way up from when I was listening to music and then it's like, "AIMIA 3 SENCHI!" at full blast. Ow, my ears.**

**MIYUKI THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE CHAPTER 18- BEHIND ENEMY LINES**

"This is terrible." I muttered to myself I as I struggled to read the English lyrics of the band _Blood Stain Child_. The album was _Hatebreeder 2, _I mean, uh, _Silence of The Northern Hell_, and it once again proved that all good things come from Osaka. Metal, Ayumu-sama, jaywalking, plenty of doujins...the list went on. In broken English, I read a verse out loud, "It's necessary to stay in this land no more...Now all of matter not and corrupt... Our hymn is gotten wet in the rain everyday...That never reaches the sky." _. I don't speak the language well either, but seriously, they couldn't have found an English speaker to proof read that at all? It's like reading bad K-On! Fanfiction. _

"Was that poetry?" Mother asked me from the doorway, _Why did I read that out loud, WHY!_

"Yesterday." I replied.

"Hm? Well, it was really good, your beautiful voice made it sound so wonderful. I couldn't understand it, but could you read some more?" Mother had put on her best puppy eyes, and I just couldn't say no. However, I couldn't just read off of that piece of paper, so I had to improvise and fast.

"Uh...Uhh..." _Okay, Engrish time, _"_Bears are dangerous, pencils are sweet. The firetruck is red, where is the restroom. January_."

"That...was beautiful..." There were tears in Mother's eyes,she wrapped me in a tight hug and stroked my hair, "I raised such a wonderful daughter, if only there was a way to make her accomplishments my own!" _Great, now I'm like a reverse Negishi from Detroit Metal City. He just wanted to play nice happy stuff, but ended up with death metal. I want to play death metal, and I get praised on poetry. Well, I guess if I wanted to be a musician, my only option would be to travel to Sweden and start a band with the same vocal style as Arch Enemy. _

"Thanks?" I murmured from under her arms, "An artist needs money to drive on, can I have 10,000 yen?"

"Yes, yes you can!" She practically shoved the money into my hands, then left me to my own devices. Me, being an opportunist, found a piece of paper and started writing poetic verses. My cellphone vibrated on the table, and I saw a number I didn't recognized. I checked to the text message and read...

"_This is your last warning. Leave Minami-chan alone", ~Yutaka._

"She's still doing this?" I sighed and sent her my reply.

"_Lol u mad?_"

After a moment, she sent me a picture reply. I dropped my phone in utter shock when I saw what it was...It was Yutaka...with Cherry...together...and Cherry's tail was blurred from motion. My best friend was cheating on me with her. _No, no, NO! I thought this was just going to be some little cute thing with her, but she took it too far! Cherry is mine (and partially Minami's) and no one (but Minami) was allowed to make her happy but me (and Minami's mom when she fed her). Well Yutaka, if you want peace...prepare for war._

I was the type to always be prepared to be completely prepared with all sorts of knowledge, so I called up my local spy. After a moment of the phone ringing, someone picked up. I smiled, "Tamura-san, it's been too long."

**AT A CAFE DOWN THE ROAD**

"Kobayakawa? I know her." Hiyori said in between sips of coke, "I'm familiar with her actually, jobs that interfere with my social life cost extra."

"I'll pay up, just do what you have to do." I replied, and took another bite out of my key lime pie.

Hiyori nodded, "Alright, I can get you a full dossier on her. Just remember this if you do anything drastic. You don't know me, you've never heard of me, I'm in some deep stuff right now and I don't need my name surfacing."

"You're still in trouble with that lolicon incident at Comiket?" I asked.

She shook her absurdly long dark hair, "Yeah, I knew I should have drawn pubic hair on that loli...I knew I should have."

"Seriously, you know how things are here. You should have thrown some blood in, then no one would have given it a second thought." I told her.

"No, it's just because I was 15 when I drew that, that's the problem." She sighed.

"Fumoffu." I said out of nowhere, _Strange, I don't normally blurt things out like that. Must be cancer._

**THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL**

Because nothing ever changes, the three of them were crowded around my desk with Kagami speaking, "We were at Konata's place yesterday and saw some of her writing from grade school." _You know I was asleep before you came over here? I was dreaming about bears too, so...yeah...not cool yo. _

"My, is that so?" I said, holding back my usual rage.

"But you know..." Kagami began, _Oh boy, here it comes... _"Konata may look like a sloppy person..." _And behave like one, and smell like one... _"...but she actually saved that stuff."

"Dad told me to keep that stuff safe." Konata explained, _Makes for good fapping materials later in life. Hey, some people get off to memories._

"But the real surprise..." Kagami began again, _It's not going to be surprising, _"...was her list of dreams for the future. Veterinarian, lawyer, normal jobs like those."

"Really." I blankly replied, _Seriously, every primary school kid puts those down. Before I wanted to be a Horsewoman of the Apocalypse, I wanted to work an animal shelter. Then all the animals I loved their got gassed because no one would take them home, and then... Wait, why do I care?_

"Well, the way her dream changed every year was definitely Konata-esque." Kagami kept on going, _Why are you telling me this! It's not interesting, and it's obvious I don't give two shits about Konata even with my nice girl persona._

Konata gave her rebuttal, "When you look at those you can tell what games and manga I liked at the time."

Kagami was completely taken back, even the background music had gone away, "I get it. That's what it was. Back to that again." _Kagami, you are getting really sweaty about this. If this wasn't school, and if I wasn't so modest, I'd lick that sweat right off your brow. _Her attitude turned from annoyed to haughty as she scoped in on her next target, "Then again, some people put down bride for their ideal job." _That's a funny way of saying "Gold Digger" _"That's not even a job." _Detective Kagami solves another one guys, let's all go home! _

Tsukasa giggled, taking the bate, "That's cute!"

"No." Kagami was not amused, "And like, Tsukasa, I'm talking about you." _Oh what's this, bash Tsukasa day? Come on guys, it's not her fault that her intelligence quota is below room temperature! Celsius of course._

Tsukasa gasped when she realized she was the butt-monkey here, "R-Really?" _Great, now she's going to start crying...which leads to pant wetting...which leads to projectile vomiting..._

"This is why airheads are hopeless." Kagami bashed on her again, _Holy Dickmongers, someone really peed in your Cheerios, didn't they?_

Konata turned to me, "Airheads tend to not realize they're airheads." I barely heard her since I was trying to get back to sleep.

"That may be true." I answered, _At least for Tsukasa...Great now Konata's fucking staring at __me. FUCKING QUIT IT! _"Is something the matter?"

No answer, they just up and left pretty much instantly. Never one to look a gift vacancy in the mouth, I used this chance to clean my glasses.

"Miyuki-san." Konata was back, _What now! _"How bad is your eyesight without you glasses?" _Why? Were you planning something?_

"Under 20/200." I replied, _Seriously kids, chlorine gas will mess you up. It's a miracle I'm not blind._

"Really..." Konata said in amazement, obviously plotting something, "I heard somewhere that eating blueberries is good for your eyes." _Yeah, if you want to OD on them first. You'd literally have to eat thousands upon thousands for any noticeable effect._

"Indeed." I said, and activated _Miyuki Super-Brain V. 2.4.1, _because that would probably scare her,"There are also carrots, which contain vitamin A. Green-yellow vegetables such as spinach. Pork, which contains vitamin B. And other items containing protein such as sesame seeds and liver are said to be good for your eyes. Also, laser surgery is the subject of much attention." _There, I just TL;DR'd you. Now go away._

Konata wasn't going away, so I had to Miyuki some more at her, "But I'm not brave enough to try it." _Seriously, lasers...in...my eyes. No, just no. _"And I've seen shows about eyesight training on TV."

"You know a lot." Konata replied, I think she was making fun of me.

"Well, I've only named a few of the many options." I told her, making me seem even smarter.

"But why hasn't your eyesight gotten better if you know so much?" Was her brilliant question, _Because I don't care enough to do anything about it. Glasses are like my pink hair, it's part of a package deal. You can't have Miyuki without glasses. Just like death metal and knives._

"I haven't actually used any of the methods I know." I replied.

"Why not?" She asked.

"Well, I wonder why..." I sarcastically retorted.

"You should give it a try!" She happily suggested, _No, it would probably make things even worse. Just because that's how things always seem to go with me. _"Like that eyesight training thing." _That's just a gimmick!_

"Right now?" I asked, _Ah, what the hell. Let's do this... _"Well...First you close your eyes." And I did so, "And open them really quickly!" Which I also did, then I put my hands up to my face, "Then you look left, right, up, and down, without moving your head."

"Miyuki-san!" Konata pointed at me, _Yes, I AM Miyuki-san, what are you getting at? _"Your head! Your head is moving!" _What the fuck! No it's not, I'm doing this perfectly!_

"Wh-wha-!" I tried to focus my head correctly, but it was proving to be rather difficult, "Huh, huh!" _Why isn't this working! _"Th-That's strange..." I kept trying to move my eyes alone, but my head kept going with it.

Now Konata was starting to freak out to, "You can stop now."

"I may have ended up exhausting my eyes..." I sighed, _Ow, ow, owowowow. _It was a divine miracle that they didn't sit next to me at lunch, so I was blessed with sleep. However, Tsukasa felt like texting me every ten seconds about nothing was a good idea. Seriously, I ended up with over 400 messages from her just that day. I really hoped someone would break her cellphone. Later that day though, I was approached by an ally.

"Takara-senpai." Hiyori said to me as I was walking home. We lived in the save area.

"Good afternoon." I replied with a nod, and we walked side by side towards our respective destinations.

"I'm sorry, but I have to call this job off." She quietly informed me.

"Hm?" I cocked an eyebrow, Tamura was never one to quick, "This should be easy, what's the problem."

"Kobayakawa found me out, I believe." She answered, "All I know is that her and Minami have become very close friends. Too close in fact. Three days ago, there was a dodgeball game, I got too close to Yutaka...it didn't end well."

"How bad was it?"

"Minami threw a dodge ball at my stomach, cracked three of my ribs. I have a soft cast under my clothes." Tamura explained.

"Damn, she's tricked Minami into working for her. This goes deeper than I thought." I growled, "No, keep up your dossier building, but just keep your distance. We're going to need help though."

"I know a girl who could serve as a body guard for me, or at least throw them off." Hiyori suggested, "Her name is Patricia Martin, a foreign exchange student. She's a horrible weaboo through and through, but she's the best we got."

"My home is just around the corner. I must bid you a do." I turned to walk the other way, and left her a wave, "God speed mangaka, god speed."

Just out of paranoid habit, I glanced behind me to see if any reaperdeathkillergodninjas were behind me. Instead, I noticed that Tamura had dropped a notebook. Being a naturally curious person, I went back and retrieved it; then flipped through it was I walked home. It was full of pictures of Minami for some reason. Some had her drawn naked, and another had her wearing a leather duster, and impaling Kagami with a katana. Overall, some nice stuff. Until I hit the back of the book. Now there were pages filled with drawings of Minami and Yutaka both naked...kissing...fondling...touching, _I get it, this must be the notes she took! This means Yutaka and Minami are indeed lovers. Well I guess a double homicide/suicide may be my only option..._


	19. We've Come This Far

**Mooki wouldn't be that bad of a friend to have in real life. Just hide anything of remote value and be prepared to get sucker punched in the genitals at random (regardless of gender).**

_(Sadly, I fully believe there is nothing new that this story can offer at this point. It's stale, and it's been stale since chapter 3. But I will finish it at all costs. Because there are still lulz to be had here)_

**MIYUKI, THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE CHAPTER 19- WE'VE MADE IT THIS FAR...**

That was it, I just stopped caring. Yutaka was my main concern now, and how she was stopping me from hanging out with Minami and rubbing her socks against my face. Now that we were continually apart, I started to realize how much I miss her. That shrill sound her voice makes when I piss her off; that prickly feeling her bare legs have before she shaves; the feeling of her hand slapping across my face when I caress said legs. Yutaka had taken all of this, and I needed to stop her by any means necessary. But of course Tsukasa, Konata, and Kagami were all there to take their daily toll on my sanity, school was drawing to an end though, and I had brighter prospects ahead. My days were spent with me trying to personify the "Renaissance Man" by being good at everything. However, my latest project, trying to learn Danish, fell apart after I learned that the language has less words than a salad does calories. So it was back to endlessly browsing 2chan.

For now, I was stuck in class listening to Konata give us a speech about something unimportant, "So I have this pet dog in this game..." _I can guarantee you it can't do the things that Cherry does to me, _"...and it's so cute when I start talking to it." The three of us sighed in unison as Konata went off on her tangent, "You know how when you talk to animals your voice gets all syrupy? Except this was a game." _No, I'm like, "GOD DAMNED IT CHERRY THIS BEER IS WARM! Awww is that a tear Cherry? Is Mommy's little girl upset! GO MOW THE LAWN!" Then Minami is like, "Cherry, you treat your step-mom with respect!" Or something along those lines. Tasteless jokes are fun too, like- "Hey Cherry, what's what's the difference between an apple and a dead puppy? You don't cum on an apple before you eat it!"_

Kagami laughed, "I know what you mean. When I talk to my goldfish, I lapse into baby talk." _I do that too when talking to my CD player. I'm usually baby talking the lyrics of Swedish melodic death metal. _

Konata looked the other way with a haughty look on her face, "I get talking to cats and dogs but people who talk to fish must be pretty darn lonely." _And people who talk to CD players are all around party people. That reminds me, I need to start wearing a party hat since I'm always in the mood to party. It's more of Cherry who parties. Like, I'll wake up and she'll be at my bedside, and I'll ask, "Cherry, what are you doing here, is it breakfast?" And she'll say, "No Miyuki-kun, it's party time!" And the I scream "BLACK METAL DAISUKI!_" _and we dance, and I don't even care that she used the honorific for guys towards me because I'm so happy._

"What did you say!" Kagami screamed, with very sharp teeth akin to a dragon, "That's discrimination! And what's with that patronizing look!"

"Oh, yeah." Tsukasa was about to say something, _Time to bring up another conversation we had months ago? "Oh yeah, we were talking about food the other day..." _"I've been wondering for a while, why people call hotdogs wieners. I wonder what that means." _Wow, that is __**completely **__different than what she says in the English dub. Oh wait, not to supposed to think that out loud. IGNORE THAT._

The color from everything disappeared, which was odd since I don't drop acid anymore. I freaked out and tried explain just why there was no color, since this was no doubt what everyone was wondering, "U-Um... It would take a long time if I went into detail. But is definitely derived from a German word." _But instead I end up replying to Tsukasa's thing. Stupid Tsukasa, you got me distracted from the real issue here. Where did that color go!_

"Okay." Konata raised her hand, "Raise your hand if you just thought of something naughty." _Cool Konata, every thing is just fine until you start blabbing on about cocks and love sausages. This is why no one sits with us. And I feel strangely obliged to tell you all that 2D has substance._

Classes ended and Tsukasa approached me with a quarry about something, "I always plan on studying for tests at night, but I end up getting sleepy. So I asked Onee-chan for advice," She switched to her Kagami voice, "You don't like horror movies right? If you watched one, wouldn't that keep you up all night? Seeing how you crawled into my bed last time." _That was actually a pretty damn good Kagami impersonation. _Tsukasa switched back to her normal voice, "And so, I didn't get sleepy after watching it."

"An older sister knows what to do." I replied, _Unless you're my mother, who tried to be like an older sister until stuff actually happened. Like when I got those stomach ulcers from all that aspirin I downed. While I was hunched over the toilet hacking up blood, she's running around screaming, "Oh god, what do I do man! What do I do!"_

"But then, once it's night, the slightest sound from behind me would make me jump, which made it even harder to focus on studying. And I ended up not getting enough sleep, so I was tired in class." She finished, _That MAY have been me trying to steal that dress I mentioned back in chapter 2. And if anyone is wondering- No, we never found where Cherry hid that game. _

_Miyuki Troll-Mode activate, _"But for someone who claims to dislike horror, you watch those movies quite often." _Last movie I watched was that American adaptation of Silent Hill. Shit sucked, wasn't nearly bloody enough._

"But it's not that I choose to watch them." Tsukasa tried to justify, _So you're a mindless puppet? Wait, I've seen this before..._

"My mother's the same way." I realized, _She'd be all like, "Hey, Miyuki. I rented this. Want to watch? It's too scarey by myself." And I have to say yes, because if I don't then she'll try to sleep with me to avoid nightmares. Now, we're both adults, and my bed is big enough for me and me only. So when you get another adult, another whiny adult who sweats profusely in her sleep and hogs the blankets, there is no sleep to be had. I'm also a person who likes to listen to music while I sleep, so is my mother...but she doesn't like listening to "At The Gates" when she tries to sleep, since it makes her even more terrified. _"The people who can't stand it, actually watch them more often, right? Perhaps they want to be scared."

After school, something strange happened. Minami came to my house, and not to bitch at me for anything. I just stared at her as she stepped into my room, "There's a little thing called knocking you know."

"This is coming from the woman who routinely invites herself over to steal soda from my home in the small hours of the night." Minami scowled.

"Cherry lets me in. Now what do you want, I'm busy." I asked, with my arms crossed.

"I need help on my homework." She answered.

"Ah, something I can no doubt easily do." I nodded.

Minami took a seat next to me, and laid down her notebook and the problems she was stuck at, "See these five-by-five matrices? I'm not sure how I can-"

I interrupted her by crossing out the problem, "The answer is simple, you can't. A three-by-three matrix cannot be multiplied by a five-by-five one. Huh, all of these problems seem to be that. It would seem that your teacher has tricked you with this."

"So...there wasn't any homework..." Minami blinked, "Wow, thanks Miyuki, this was really eating me up. Huh, hey, this weekend I'm having a get together at my house with everyone. Would you like to attend?"

"Is Cherry going to be there!"

Minami sighed, "Yes, my dog is going to be there. Speaking of which, why are you so stuck on Cherry? Seriously, you talk nonstop about her, and you have entire notebooks filled with crude drawings of her quoting Latin poetry."

I smiled and patted her on the back, "Silly Minami, that's between your dog and me."

She sighed again, "Just do don't anything stupid while you're there." Then she got up and left.

**THE FOLLOWING DAY**

"I'll fix ya real good!" Kuroi shouted in her fake Kansai dialect and punched Konata in the back of her head, _I swear to Yog-Sothoth I just saw my distant cousin, Akira for just a moment. _"Izumi. Don't sleep in class." _Or be better at it, like me._

"We live in an age where corporal punishment isn't allowed, yet you often hit people like it's no big deal. Not that I have a problem with it." A very angry Konata grumbled, _Corporal punishment is banned, beating Konata isn't. Even the government doesn't like you._

"That's true." She smiled, "But I don't just hit anybody. I choose my targets carefully, if you get my drift. Else I could get in trouble." _Fuck it, I'm reporting you to the police for beating her. Or, OR, I could report a domestic disturbance at the Izumi household. Police show up, see bruises on Konata from Kuroi, father is blamed. Father arrested, Izumi sent to foster care very far away. Miyuki is happy. _"Besides, it doesn't make sense to ban corporal punishment." She moved to the front of the class to give some ending speech, "Okay class, that's all for today."

Konata took that as an opportunity to bother me, "Miyuki-san, sorry." _If you were really sorry, you'd leave me the fuck alone for once. _"I don't know these era names."

"Yuki-chan. Teach me how to do this one." Tsukasa walked up, _What the hell! Piss off you flies!_

On another note, I had found a new way to fuck with Tsukasa. Send her a text message saying, "I was digging in my attic, and found..." Then just not follow it up. I know she's checking her cellphone every four seconds trying to figure out what happens next. It's the little things like that I use to get me through the day.

**ANOTHER DAY. ANOTHER POINTLESS CONVERSATION**

"I was reading and missed my stop." I told them, since Tsukasa insisted on knowing why I wasn't home to answer one of her hundreds of text messages.

"Your casual slip-ups are always so cute." Konata remarked, _Awesome, because yours aren't. _

"Really?" Kagami wasn't buying this it looked like, "Pretty sure they just cause trouble." _I'm glad SOMEONE here has basic reasoning skills. If I had to have a murderous obsession over any of you, you'd by my first choice Kagami. I already dream about drowning you and giving you Glasgow Grins (derp)._

"You have no idea." Konata replied, with no small degree of irony, "The way she's all embarrassed when she tries to make up for the mistake is killer. It's cuter when you have some sort of shortcoming." _I'm pretty sure what you just said is considered sexual harassment. I could sue you for hurting my feelings. Man, why can't you be an inner city African-American male? You don't need any reason to arrest them overseas because the media leaves everyone so terrified of them. Why can't we have this same kind of fear propaganda for blunettes? _

"What?" Kagami asked with a confused look, _If this were an English fanfiction, the majority of writers would have wrote "nani" instead of "what". _"So at your job...Ah, I spilled it! I'm so sorry sir! You do stuff like that?" _Kagami...what the fuck was that?_

"Kagami." Konata looked just about as amused as I was, "You seem kinda dumb. What're you doing?" _Being an attention whore._

Then Kagami started screaming again... "You're the one who started talking about it! Though I was the one who acted it out..**.**" Her rage quickly subsided, and she regained her composure while playing with her hair, "So what, do pretend to be clumsy to score points with customers?" _She scores something with them. And no, she cosplays as Haruhi, which means she yells at them until they cry._

Konata shook her head, "I don't do anything like that. It's a common stereotype, but you'll get in trouble with the manager."

"Oh." Kagami replied, "I figured you'd be like, _It turns people on_, and do it all the time." _I think you're horribly misunderstanding the place she works at. Any one who get sexually aroused by that has some issues I believe...or is very lonely. Good doujin material though, I'll make sure to tell Hiyori about it._

With a wave of her hand, Konata sighed, "You have no idea, Kagami. Clumsy girls may be cute and a turn-on, but it's pretty annoying when they cause trouble in real life. Though you just laugh it off in games." _So it's like when Yui drops all those papers in the first episode of K-On! Cute when it's not real, but if it was real, you would totally beat her ass. I get it, because I would do the same thing. Yeah, I think I could take Yui in a fight... I could take anyone from that show in a fight. Maybe even the girls from Strike Witches too, but that show fucking fails so I really don't care either way._

"You geeks can be really harsh sometimes..." Kagami said in wonder, _Especially in any game that lets you choose good or evil acts. Like making Zaalbar kill Mission, that was beautiful._

It's also worth noting that Hiyori sent me like 15 pictures via cellphone of someone cosplaying _Full Metal Alchemist_. I still don't know what that was about.


	20. Twilight Of The Fluffy God

**Mooki is that .bin file that you just can't seem to operate...**

**MIYUKI, THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE CHAPTER 20- TWILIGHT OF THE FLUFFY GOD**

**Sorry if this chapter blows, I was drunk writing most of it**

It's summer, and I'm wearing a blue sweater. It's _blue_, and it's _summer_. Well, fuck me for being cursed with such style regardless of season, or how I could easily faint from heat. Being elegant really took a toll sometimes, but I would make up for it later by convincing my dad to outsource an American business; causing the majority of its current employees to lose their jobs.**.** I was wearing a blue sweater in summer, while making cookies for my day at Minami's house/date with Cherry. Dogs are better than people, because dogs couldn't talk. People are like, "_Oh Miyuki, you have to act all nice and elegant and forsake your life of brutality._" But dogs are like, "_Woof_." And like it when you're brutal. With this in mind, I crossed the road to Minami's house.

I rang the doorbell to her house, and called out, "Hello!"

"Coming!" I heard Minami reply, then run down her hallway with those slippers Cherry oh so liked to steal, "Hello, Miyuki-san." _Oh-ho-ho, formal. Yeah, that's how awesome I am. Worship me you filth, WORSHIP ME!_

"Yesterday, I tried baking cookies." I told her, _But had to make new ones today after the ones from yesterday made me vomit blood profusely all over Mother's bedsheets. Turns out ammonia is a terrible thing to put into cookie dough. _"I want to know if you like them." Then Cherry's blubbery body waddled down the hallway to greet me, "Cherry-chan, hello. Will you eat them too?"

Instead of stopping outside the edge of my Miyuki-aura like a good dog beast, she kept walking until her doggy nose was situated between my legs. _No, damn it Cherry that was a one time thing! _"Hey, Cherry! What are you doing!" _Don't let them know, DON'T LET THEM KNOW! _Upon hearing my thoughts, she backed up and was looking rather embarrassed, "I guess she wants to try them. Is it okay if I give her cookies?"

"Yes. She'd be delighted to eat them." Minami nodded, _She damn well better. I put my blood into that dough._

Upon hearing this, I took a sugar cookie out of my brown paper bag, "Here." Cherry took it from my hand, dropped it, picked it up, dropped it again, picked it up again, then went to go do dog things with it.

"She's going to hide it." Minami remarked. Luckily, she made up for it later by stealing Tsukasa's cellphone. See, that dog _did _do cool things. She had to go do dog things in the yard, like laying down and eating dirt. I tried eating dirt once, and it turns out that if you eat enough of it, you vomit. Back in junior high, I used this to my advantage during a game of "manhunt" with a dozen or so people in the suburbs at night. Upon being captured, I proceeded to eat about kilogram of soil beneath me so I threw up and distracted the kids on guard duty long enough to be rescued. I had to get my stomach pumped immediately after.

I hung out in Minami's room with the door open as I played her character in New Vegas, who she had named "Cam Ambrose"; which was actually kind of creative. His deeds of chivalry were quickly erased as I went about the Wasteland killing whoever I wanted and saving the game after every misdeed. From downstairs, I could hear other people coming. Not wanting my enemies to gank me, I crawled to the top of the stairs, laid prone and watched Patricia "Bad Dub" Martin talk to Cherry.

"Hello, Cherry!" She shrieked in her awful voice. I hated it when she said words. She grabbed Cherry's pudgy paw and squeezed it while making grotesque squeaking noises, and getting noticeably unhappier after ever squeeze, "The flesh is so hard. This just won't do at all." _I always thought hard flesh 'did' the best_, "It's not like the nice soft kind in the manga." _She feels dog paws...in manga? Wait what? _"There's no reaction. Cherry, stupid dog~"

_Cherry isn't stupid! I trained her to open locked doors and steal Minami's towels and dry clothes while she showers! That's not even an American Japanese accent either! You sound like a __native speaker._

Minami silently strode up behind her, "Even if you shout, she just won't wake up until it's time. And she's not a stupid dog." _That was frighteningly cryptic. I bet she's gonna say something like, "Then the planets will align, the gods of old shall bleed us of our lives."_

Patricia "Bad Dub" Martin exhaled a raspy, gross sigh, then proceeded to harass the love of my life, "Cherry, stupid. Cherry, tuna." _Don't worry, I mistake furry mammals for fish too, _"Cherry, chubby dog." _More too love, _"Drooling dog. Stupid dog. Tuna." _The correct word is "desu", but I suppose "tuna" works fine in your case. Stupid Americunt_. I couldn't see from my vantage point, but apparently Cherry gave her some sort of reaction, because she made some horrible bird noise, "Oh! Hehe! You're aware of yourself, aren't you?" _Self-aware siege beasts are no laughing matter, _"Stupid dog, sleeping like tuna~" _Fish don't sleep, you walking abortion!_

"When I try, she won't wake up no matter what." Minami remarked, _I love how the translator doesn't understand "gender neutral pronouns" and decided to call Cherry a boy, effectively misleading the entire fan base who were too stupid to realize the one time mistake. Oh wait, not supposed to think that aloud._

Cherry was an interesting dog because she liked to take out her anger on random people for no good reason. If I kicked her, she would respond by vomiting in Minami's shoes (all of them) and teaming up with her pal Pickles the Cat to destroy her garden. I was in the kitchen at an angle that I could see her plopped down in the hallway, and that little mistake Yutaka had decided to visit her.

"Ah, she's sleeping in a place like this." Yutaka noted as she approached, and the translator got the gender of Cherry wrong again. _Okay time for Cherry to unleash the fury. CHERRY SUFFOCATE CHERRY MAIM! _"Hello, it's been a long time, hasn't it?" She asked my fluffy friend and patted her head.

"Hello. Hello." She said slowly with Cherry's paws in her hand, _If only knew where those paws had been, nyuck nyuck nyuck_. "So nice, so cute~" _She's not cute when she eats burglars. _"Thank you. Thank you." Yutaka continued to play with Cherry's paws until she decided to break into song, "Cherry-chan is cute; Cherry-chan is cute..." _My Blue Hawaii song kicked that songs ass._

"What are you doing?" Hiyori asked from behind her. Chances were that she was trying to spy and collect information her. Like what kind of tampons she used. Yutaka flinched, and jumped in surprise from Hiyori's well timed rescue.

"Che-Cherry-chan was so nice for some reason..." She stuttered, unaware that the dog would most likely kill her in her sleep now.

"Even if it's that, why is it sleeping over there? This dog sure has freedom." Hiyori asked, _Did you really just call her an "it". Well, you probably didn't since gender neutral pronounces are just killing everyone today._

"But she's so nice; she can recognize me, so I can pet her." Yutaka poorly attempted to reason. Cherry wasn't nice, Cherry had probably eaten more people than I had.

"Well, I also have a dog at my house, so I understand." _You mean that little Shitsu, Ritsu, Mitsu whatever the fuck they're called? Small, and kickable?_ "Also, weren't you going to the bathroom?" Hiyori asked her, desperate to listed to the sounds of her peeing.

"Oh, right." Yutaka realized, and went to go defile the toilet here, "I'll be back."

With Yutaka gone, Hiyori was safe to inspect and interact with Cherry, "Recognize me?"

Menacing stare, Cherry replied.

Hiyori jumped back in shock, "She's so nice to other people, why does she only react to me!" _Because you don't bathe_. Hiyori slowly stepped towards her, being careful not to unleash the Statutory Ape in Cherry, "There we go...Hey, she's pretty nice today." _Don't push your luck_. She gave her hand out to Cherry, "Here, shake hands."

Apathetic glare, Cherry replied.

"She's not doing anything." Hiyori sighed, "I thought Minami-san's dog would be smarter." _This dog is the one that made a pact with a neighborhood warlord cat to fight against other dogs. That seems smart to me. _"Oh yeah!" She happily shouted and pulled an unwrapped cookie from her skirt pocket, which was probably covered in lint and head lice. Cherry saw this and instantly tried to eat it and possibly Hiyori by climbing on her. The Manga-ka fell backwards and desperately screamed, "Wait! Sit! Sit!"

Cherry reluctantly obeyed, and sat down, "It's pretty energetic after all..." _Not this "it" crap again. _"Well then, shake hands."

Cherry don't take crap, Cherry replied and proceeded to pummel the fuck out of Hiyori with her paws. All with that same blank look on her face, trying to rip her clothes off so she'd be easier to eat.

"I'll give it to you! Stop it!" She cried, and Cherry reluctantly obeyed again. She laid the cookie down on the floor between them, "Here." Cherry picked up with a disgusting human sounding bite, and Hiyori just stared, "I don't understand her..." Realizing that the cookie probably tasted like head lice, Cherry spat it out, much to Hiyori's surprise and possible arousal, "Hey! You spat it out!"

From behind where I was sitting at the kitchen table, I heard Minami's voice, "Miyuki-san, have you been narrating everything people have been doing in that hallway?"

_Damn, she found me out!_, "No." I lied.

"What do you mean _no_? I've been watching you do it for the last thirty minutes, you were even attempting to narrate their thoughts, emotions, and motives." Minami scowled, looking rather unhappy, 'That's beyond weird, and...just...just how is that you have friends at school? I mean, everyone speaks so highly of you, and I just can't understand it."

I just shrugged, "What can I say, people there can appreciate just how damn amazing I am. Plus they don't bitch about every little thing like you do."

"You act this way around them...and they like you?" Minami just stared.

"Yes." I nodded.

"I don't want to live on this planet anymore." She sighed and walked off. That ended my glorious day at that house. While I was leaving, I let Cherry out, as was my custom.

**SUMMER CLASSES**

"Are you going overseas again this summer, Miyuki-san?" Konata asked me, probably attempting to go along with me, _I'll take her along if she asks, then just dump her in some foreign country where she'll probably be raped, killed, then eaten (not in that order). Sadly we're not going anywhere this year, and Mother won't take me to all the cool countries anymore. While in Finland, I managed to track down the members of various Finnish metal bands (which like half the population consists of), and attempted to kidnap them to help me form a super group. The only person I couldn't find was Janne Wirman, which was quite the shame._

"Not this year." I told her, "However, we will visit some relatives in the country." _At least my cousin makes some really good ether. Nothing like wandering around Osaka watching your body function on its own while you're dancing with angels above it. _"I also go to the summer festival with my neighbor's daughter from Ryouou. She's like a younger sister." _Which is Minami of course, and it's amazing we aren't banned from that place. One year I sat in the bushes with a homemade blowdart gun popping the balloons of small children, and another year I managed to start a fire with homemade napalm that resulted in like 200 million yen worth of property damage._

Between another one of my classes, one of my cavities decided that hurting me would a cool, hip things to do. This was a good reminder of why I hated hipsters, and the main character from _Detroit Metal City_.

"Good morning Yuki-chan." Tsukasa greeted me, _It's after lunch, _"Um, what's wrong?

"I went to the dentist's yesterday." I told her, A_nd you know how that always goes._

"You're still going!" Tsukasa gasped, _Come on, it's been like 8 months since I last went! You're supposed to go like every six months._

"I ran away halfway through." I told her, _Which is a story I'm not going to with you Tsukasa. I __know you can't see, but he missed with the drill and drilled a whole into my chest, splurting blood fucking everywhere. So, I got all the dentist stuff off me and ran away while holding my bloody wound shut. When I got home, I sowed it shut and came to school like nothing happened. Now, I will admit trying to headbutt the dentist while he was attempting to drill may have caused this. _Of course I couldn't tell Tsukasa this, so I just told her it hurt, and I'm a scared panda, "Something like that..."

"That's right!" Tsukasa bought it, "They never stop! It hurts just to hear about it."

I'm not sure how it happened, but about four days later I ended up studying over at Konata's house. It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been bribed with a copy of _October Tide's _album _Endless Rain. _The guitar work on a few of those songs was enough to make me have to change panties after listening. Two guitars tapping in unison in different octaves echoing each other? Fuck yeah.

"Oh yeah." Konata paused her studying to grace us with her DEEP ideas, "What about that festival at your place?" _What about it?_

"What are you talking about? It's already over." Kagami replied, _Oh, THAT festival. Please look at who you are addressing when you speak!_

"Wha!" Konata gasped.

"Same as last year." Kagami finished.

Konata turned to _me, _"Why didn't you tell me!" _Because I hate you._

Tsukasa flinched back in my stead, "We have to study for exams. If we told you, you'd definitely want to go. We didn't go either." _And they hate you too._

"Doesn't have to be ours, just go to the one where you live. Is it already over." Kagami told her, which really translated into, _"Stay the hell away from ours. I can see your nipples through the side of your shirt. Chow mein is the god damned greatest food ever created._"

"Where I live?" Konata placed her finger against her chin. There were hallucinatory red question marks dancing around her and it was scaring me, "Yeah, I wonder when that is..."

"Yeah... Some people go to festivals in other places but don't even care about the ones where they live. Are you the type to avoid friends back home?" Kagami asked her, _I dunno, but I'm the type to avoid friends everywhere I go. They some how find a way to ruin everything. Like you three here. We've been together so long that we're this tight adventuring compadre, except without any adventure. So that's why I avoid you. Knowing my luck, any adventuring we did would be along the lines of Call of Cthulhu where we all die as soon as a Dimension Shambler shows up. Luckily I know I can outrun all your stupid asses if that happened. Also, why am I here again? Konata's room smells like multiple cats threw up in here and I don't see any cats, or anything that would hint at cat ownership._

Konata sighed, sat back, and turned her attention to me, "Even college applicants can't go on studying forever." _Yes they can! Study harder!_

"That's right.." I smiled, just as blissfully stupid as ever, "There's going to be a fireworks display near my home tomorrow." _Whatever makes her shut the fuck up so I can concentrate. I will gladly suffer tomorrow for peace today. That is my life's motto._

"That's it!" Konata cheered, sitting up quickly, looking all proud and stuff. Waves of light were radiating off her, and I could feel myself getting cancer from them, "Let's all go have fun for once!"

"Hm, guess so." Kagami replied, looking about as excited as I was feeling, which wasn't much, "We could use a break." _Never! I never rest, I never trust! Wait, I can FEEL Patricia Martin talking somewhere. Her voice is so annoyingly awful that whenever she talks, I get indigestion. I'm going to have to excuse myself to the restroom it looks like..._

_**THE NEXT DAY...**_

I hadn't actually planned on inviting Konata and others over. I was going to tell them that I had died or something, and that all plans would be canceled indefinitely until I got better. However, Minami was going, which meant we could pull of a few shenanigans while were there. I took the liberty to acquire a flashbang grenade, which I promptly hid in my yukata. This would make things more interesting, and if I could blame it on someone else, all the better. Getting the grenade in under a day had been a tough one, but I had gotten cooler things before. The best thing I pulled off was getting a Javelin Missile Launcher, but that one doesn't count because I never actually got the thing home. Still, a flashbang grenade is cool.

Mother invited the three of them in while I was upstairs attempting to shave with a bowling pin, because that was more fun than using Mac OS, which was all I had since Cherry managed to delete system 32 from my computer, and I lost the reinstall disc for Windows. She called me down, and had made tea. Konata was in my house. Konata. Was. In. My. House. I was prepared to find any reason to kick her tiny ass to the curb if she even _looked _at the upholstery wrong. I value our upholstery and didn't need Konata melting it with her acid saliva. She was already ruining my favorite tea set.

"So Miyuki-san's neighbor was Minami-chan." Konata finally realized, _Really, you've known me for like three years and you just NOW figured that out? I know you're menstrual cycle to the hour, and you don't know who my neighbor is. Some friend you are._

"What a coincidence." I said in utter disbelief at her. Yutaka was in my house as well, and I didn't have my camera taser on my. However, I was prepared to grab Minami from the right of me and use her as a blunt weapon against Yutaka. I had done it before against dogs.

"What a surprise." Yutaka happily added, _Shut up, you shouldn't even be allowed in my house. You're probably going to give me leprosy!_

"Welcome." Mother greeted them, with a tray full of sliced melon, _Yutaka's is the one with the razor slipped into it. _"Here you go." She raised the tray.

"Thank you very much." Everyone said in a broken harmony that sounded like crap because they didn't follow my lead. Nobody ever follows my lead!

After setting down each plate of sliced melon (Which really didn't need plates, nonetheless forks) Mother eyed the situation with a look of confusion, "Not enough? There should be enough..." _You forgot yourself, but you really don't count as a person in this situation._

"Mother. Did you count yourself?" I asked her, already knowing the answer.

"One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight." She counted, then pointed at herself, "Nine. My, you're right." We both laughed at the silliness at this, except I was really crying inside because I realized the very really thought that my mother was probably starting to develop Alzheimer's.

"Thanks for having us!" They all fucked up the unison cheer again as we left. We were out in the open, where there were dangers all around us. I was terrified. Our first stop was Minami's house for some reason. We went into her backyard, where Cherry was resting after eating a burglar or something.

"So this is Minami-chan's house." Yutaka remarked, _You were here like earlier this week!_

Hiyori walked up to Cherry with Yutaka, and gasped at the sight of her, "Scary big dog..."

"Don't worry..." Yutaka told her, bent down and petted that area dangerously close to Cherry's doggy vagina, "It doesn't bark." _Just eats people. _"And it's really friendly." _Unless it's eating people. _

"I see." Hiyori didn't see, "When they're big and friendly, it's actually kind of cute." _Unless she's eating you. _She went to pet her, but Cherry sat up and started growling, ready to eat her. Distraught with what could only be fear, Hiyori was crying it seemed, "It's growling at me!" _I was about to witness a doggy murder. I was already soaking in my panties._

We went to the festival down the street to see the fireworks, which started way to early to be seen right. So it completely sucked, and I closed my eyes so I didn't have to see there suckiness. Not to mention we were jammed in with a lot of really smelly people, all of which I could have taken in a fight. From the left of me, it sounded like Konata and Tsukasa were discussing whether or not fireworks were three dimensional or not. I assumed they weren't because that kind of level of stupidity would make me cry. However, a shrill grating voice rang out from right near me.

"They show fireworks displays on TV occasionally but there's a better atmosphere when you watch the real thing." Patty so ingeniously noted, _It's like that for everything. Like slasher movies? Not the same unless warm blood is all up your arms and people are running away in fear from you. *Sigh* I wish I was allowed to kill people..._

"You're right." Hiyori was probably lying.

Konata showed up to piss on their fun, "But you know, I've been thinking..." _I believed otherwise, _"Every time they launch a big one and announce that it's sponsored by some business or other, doesn't that ruin the mood?" _Welcome to Capitalism, where everything is ruined for profit. I'M LOOKING AT YOU CASUAL NINTENDO GAMERS._

"T-That's true." I have her that.

Apparently Yutaka contracted HIV or something, so she was going to go lay down on a park bench and possibly be kidnapped by homeless people or Dagon Cultists. Either one was equally okay in my eyes.

"It's okay..." She said as she sat down on the bench, "...so go watch."

"...but!" Kagami tried to be a white knight, _Listen Kagamoor, sometimes things in life just happen and there's nothing you can do about them. Like Yutaka getting raped and sacrificed to bring back the Great Old Ones. That stuff just happens and you have to accept it._

Minami interrupted her, "...I'll...stay here." _Aww, don't get raped and sacrificed too! I actually happen to like you! _We went and watched more fireworks, which sucked less because the sun decided to go away and not be gay. I told Kagami it was wonderful, and I didn't know why I did that. It was wasn't wonderful at all. I could have stayed home and fingered myself to guro, but nooo. No pleasuring myself to erotic grotesque tonight because Mother insisted I spend time with friends. At least I wasn't a furry though.

"That's what summer's all about." Kagami commented on my comment about things being wonderful, which they weren't.

"But you know..." Konata spoke up, and showed us her mosquito ravaged arm, _Holy Master Exploder, it looks you stuck your arm in a beehive! _"It never ends up being a beautiful memory like in manga. I got bitten everywhere." By then we were all scratching our bug bites, except me, because I had put on bug-spray repellant whatever stuff. I liked being coated in stuff that killed other things.

"So itchy!" Tsukasa squirmed, probably pissing herself.

Kagami just watched them with a deadpan face, "They say it itches the more you scratch."

"And when you take off the yukata, it itches under the belt." Konata complained, _You're just using that an excuse to masturbate in places where you shouldn't masturbate._

"That's right!" Tsukasa agreed, _You too Tsukasa! I'm not okay with this!_

We trekked back to Minami and Yutaka, just to find the small one laying down on Minami's lap. If I wasn't a controlled person, I would have killed everyone right then and there without a second thought.

"Hey!" Konata waved at them, walking up to ruin the moment, finally being useful, "Were you guys bitten by mosquitoes too?"

"We didn't get bit at all." Yutaka showed off her demon wizard powers.

"So some people are easily bitten and some aren't. So lucky." Tsukasa decided, _Tsukasa are you literally retarded, or just don't know how parasites work? The reason they didn't get bit is because they're wearing bug repellant like me. But I'm sure this all scary witchcraft to you. _

"Nah," Konata was probably going to deliver an equally stupid rebuttal, "Maybe mosquitoes read the mood." _…_

_ …_

_ …_

_ That razor ended up in my melon wedge_

_ I taste blood_


End file.
